[LostInLove12347]

For the a few months, I had been on and off with a guy named Tyler. Tyler was kind of a jerk, but I was blinded by love. He is very emotionally unstable, and would get upset over the littlest things. Whenever I did something that was wrong in his eyes, he would leave and not talk to me for a while. He would usually come back a few days later and everything would return to “normal”. One night, we got in a huge argument. He thought I was cheating on him, when I wasn’t. I wouldn’t do that. He left anyway. A couple weeks after he left, I had discovered that I had true feelings for a friend of mine named Corey, who had feelings for me since early this year. I felt so awful that I had hurt him over Tyler so many times before. I kept having to turn Corey down because Tyler made me confused about my feelings for anyone but him. So me and Corey had started going out. Yesterday marks our second month together. Corey is the most amazing guy I have ever met, and I love him with all of my heart. But a few days ago, Tyler started talking to me again. He had sent me a text message that was basically him complaining about his life. He then has not bothered me until yesterday. I am already confused about my feelings for Corey by just talking to Tyler. I am terrified that I will “fall” for Tyler again, and I will hurt the one I really love, Corey. I have tried ignoring Tyler, but 1. He will not stop texting me and 2. I feel guilty if I do not text him back. I have searched the Internet for someone else who is having the same problem as me, but I have yet to do so. What should I do?

[cassandra]

me and you are kind in the same boat maby we could help eachother

so here is my story … i was with a guy who was 19 when i was 15 everything seemed good for a while we were witch eachother for 4 years and turns out the ungrateful fuck had been lying and cheating on my the whole time .. boy was i dumb. any way i got a job .. and met this guy who was much older then me and i talked to everyday faitfully he helped me through things i never imagained that i could ever get over i started confiding in him about my boyfriend telling him how much i was hurting .. and hed give me advice on what i should do … i was co-opping at the place where i was then working for 3 yrs so iv known the other guy that long as well i was 18 by the time i started smartenning up and taking others peoples advice for once so i guess u can say this older guy helped get me out of a bad disicion not long after me and my first boyfriend broke up i started having feelings for this other guy the guy thats been there for me anyways we started seeing eachother and hungout all winter we were praciticly inserperable i spent one christmas with him and i really fell this guy … not long after my birthday in january things seemed to of changed this older guy that i was with told me that we couldnt be togeather beacauase of financhial reasons … seeing as this guyt was divorced and he was gonna loose his house if he didnt move back .. in for the kids sake so i was made to belive /// but i did trust him and i accepet the fact that it had to happen i was a wreck for like 2 months beacause i really loved this guy we talked eveyrday for two months after the “mutual” break-up and i couldnt find myself getting over him anytimes soon .. finally i started seeing this other guy who is now my world and life but before that the older guy i was seeing would still text me telling me how much he loves me and it was a mistake for him to let me go my current boyffriend understanibly got angry one day i was texting the older guy just talking nothing of the ordinary and i told him i missed him … but dont get me wrong i missed his friend ship … the way we could always talk to eachother … but of course i led to my boyfriend now about talkn to him … he went trhough my cellphone and knew i lied /… to this day i feel sooo bad for nllying to him /// but beacause i knew he didnt like the older guy i didnt want to start problems beacause it was just a conversation … any way theres really no excuse for lying tot he ones u love /// but heres how it went now he want me to make a choice the older guy as a friend or him as bf …. i chose my boyfriend jeremy now as much as it hurt me to let go of such a amazing friend its something i felt i had to do i have not lied to my boyfriend once since and we are under an agreement that i do not talk to the older guy… but today the older guy msged me telling me hes still in love with me and all this other stuff telling me that he could take me far away from here … now i feel obligated to tell my boyfriend what he is saying and its wierd but i do miss him a a friend still and i do want to reply to him but i dont want to lie to my boyfriend i dont have the heart to and im gonna have to tell my boyfriend what he messaged me but hen its gonn start alot of problems to beacause now jeremy is gonna want to have his say to this older guy … i just dont want that kind of action taken beacause i do still care about the feelings of this older guy i do care about him as a friend but i respect my boyfriends wishes and i dont write back to this other guy as much as sometimes i want to beacause i used to talk to him everyday and he helped me through alot … he was just a good friend in general but now im stuck beetween a rock and a hardplace beacause im gonna have to tell jeremy my boyfriend what he saying .. any advice cassandra

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you? How old are Tyler and Corey?

[LostInLove12347]

I am 24, Tyler is about 2 years older than me, and Corey is the same age as me. And Cassandra, I think it would be best to let your boyfriend know what is going on. It will likely hurt him, but it is better for him to find out from you than from someone else. Just let him hear your side of the story. Hopefully he will understand.

[arekwhite]

This is very controversial story i am also confused what answer should i give to you. i think you have to make good choice from the both. You just share your story with tyler and corey and see what they think about you..it is very hard to take decision who it better for you..

[bmarez]

To me the answer is simple… you KNOW that you love Corey. Would you really want to hurt him over Tyler— who you’ve admitted has hurt you many times before? Explain to Tyler that you have moved on and that you do not intend on rekindling your relationship with him. If he refuses to accept that for an answer- change your number. You don’t need that kind of drama in your life. Give Corey all you’ve got- he sounds like a great guy! Tyler will get over it- he’ll either realize how big of an ass he is and change for the future girl, or move on to another girl and act the same way… either way you are saving yourself confusion and hurt. Good luck!

[Ask April Masini]

At age 24, this is a GREAT time for you to change your feelings about yourself! 😀 Decide that you want to take your love life seriously! Decide that you are going to raise the bar and only date men who are potential long term boyfriends and maybe even husbands! 😉 Decide that you are doing the wrong guys [i]a favor[/i] by rejecting them if they don’t measure up because if you don’t reject them, you’re going to be creating a long term rejection situation as well as lots of chaos and you’ll be hurting other people because you think you can “take care of other people’s feelings” — and yours, too, by not being honest. 🙁

Let’s recap here: You’ve only been dating 26 year old Tyler for a few months. This is normally the amount of time you need to decide if you want to continue with him or not. Here’s what you’ve learned:

1. Tyler is a jerk
2. Tyler is emotionally unstable

These are two deal breakers and they should help you make the decision to not only stop dating him, but to stop engaging him in any way in your life. Stop thinking you’re doing him a favor by continuing contact with him. At his age, he needs women who will be honest with him — even if it means rejecting him. It’s much better for him — and for you! 😀 Don’t enable this bad behavior. Create a boundary so that the people in your life are good people.

If he won’t stop texting you, then block his number from your phone. If you feel guilty for not texting him, then understand that if you do text him back and continue this relationship with a guy who you say is 1) a jerk and 2) emotionally unstable — you’re making a big mess. Time to clean house!

I don’t think this problem you’re having is so much about either of these guys as much as it is about you deciding to take dating seriously and then behaving in new ways to show the men in your life that you’re not someone they can dump on because they know you’ve got a guilt button.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go — and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[LostInLove12347]

Thank you very much. 😀 I truly appreciate your help. I hope that Tyler eventually gets the picture and leaves me alone. I will take your advice and change my number if he does not go away. Corey is an amazing guy and he deserves nothing but the best.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad I could help — and good luck! 😀

[Ethan Morales]

This isn’t really about Tyler or Corey it’s about you learning how to love yourself enough to stop chasing chaos. Tyler’s behavior screams emotional manipulation. He storms off, disappears, then reappears when he wants control again. That’s not love; that’s conditioning. You got used to associating emotional intensity with affection. April’s advice to take your love life seriously and raise your standards is exactly what breaks that pattern.

You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. Tyler uses his instability to pull you back in to make you feel guilty, responsible, or needed. That’s how he keeps his hooks in. Blocking him isn’t cruel; it’s self-defense. You can have empathy for his struggles without sacrificing your peace to manage them. Emotional stability is a non-negotiable in a healthy relationship.

Corey represents the kind of man you say you want safe, consistent, kind. But when you’ve been used to emotional rollercoasters, calm can feel confusing. You might mistake peace for boredom because you’re detoxing from drama. That doesn’t mean you don’t love Corey it means you’re retraining your nervous system to understand what healthy feels like. Stick with that process. Stability takes time to feel natural.

You feel bad ignoring him because you’re used to being “the fixer.” But every time you text him back, you teach him that he can interrupt your peace whenever he wants. That’s emotional availability without boundaries. The truth is, not responding is a response it tells him that you’re done being his safety net.

Your relationships reflect your self-image. If you want real love, you have to clear out the people who only bring noise. That means no lingering conversations, no late-night sympathy texts, no checking his social media “just to see.” You can’t build something solid with Corey while leaving cracks open for Tyler to crawl through.

You already know who the right man is here. Corey treats you well and gives you space to breathe. Tyler gives you confusion and anxiety. The decision isn’t between two men it’s between two versions of you: the one who keeps rescuing chaos, and the one who’s finally ready for peace. Choose the second. That’s where your real future starts.

[Sally]

Tyler is the kind of guy who blows back into your life right when you’re finally calm, and suddenly you feel pulled in two directions you don’t even want to be in. That’s not love that’s old chaos waking up.

And listen… the fact that a few texts from him can shake you says more about the history than the feelings. He messed with your head for a long time. Your body remembers the drama even when your heart knows better.

Corey sounds steady. Kind. Safe. The kind of guy who shows up instead of disappearing when he’s upset. That’s real love not the roller coaster Tyler kept dragging you onto.
You don’t owe Tyler your energy anymore. You don’t owe him comfort just because he’s sad. You’re allowed to block someone who keeps pulling you back into pain.

If you want your relationship with Corey to stay healthy, don’t let Tyler sit in the doorway. Close it gently, but close it. Corey deserves that. And honestly… so do you.

[Natalie Noah]

Tyler wasn’t love, he was adrenaline. He was chaos, inconsistency, and emotional volatility dressed up as intensity. People like him know exactly how to create a cycle: pull you close, withdraw, make you chase, return when they need comfort, then disappear again. That pattern wires your nervous system to confuse anxiety with affection. So of course hearing from him stirs feelings, he represents unresolved emotional programming, not genuine connection. The pull you feel toward him isn’t love returning; it’s trauma bonds resurfacing. And the problem isn’t you being weak. it’s him knowing exactly which emotional buttons he installed.

Corey is the opposite energy steady, caring, consistent, safe. The kind of relationship where your body can relax and your heart can soften. And here’s something important: stability feels unfamiliar when you’ve been conditioned to equate instability with passion. Sometimes healthy love feels “less intense” at first because it doesn’t poke at your insecurities. That’s why Tyler’s messages are confusing you not because you still love him, but because your emotional system is still learning what real love is supposed to feel like. Corey is love. Tyler is addiction. And addictions always whisper when you’re finally healing.

The guilt you feel about ignoring Tyler isn’t empathy, it’s an old habit of caretaking men who mistreat you. And that habit will destroy every healthy relationship you build if you don’t break it. Tyler isn’t texting you because he values you. He’s texting you because he knows you’ll respond. He’s looking for emotional labor, not connection. Every time you reply, you reopen a door that should have been closed long ago. You’re not protecting him by answering you’re sacrificing yourself. Boundaries feel cruel to unstable people because they’re used to using others for comfort. But boundaries are acts of self-respect, not cruelty.

You’re afraid you’ll fall for Tyler again. But baby… you won’t fall unless you stay standing in the doorway. Block him. Not as punishment as healing. Tell your heart, “I choose the man who chooses me. I choose the man who doesn’t break me and then ask me to fix him.” Corey deserves someone emotionally present. You deserve someone emotionally present. And Tyler deserves to learn that he can’t treat people like revolving doors. Your fear isn’t losing Tyler it’s losing the drama you conditioned yourself to tolerate. But once you step back, you’ll realize this isn’t a love triangle; it’s you outgrowing a version of yourself that settled for chaos. And that’s something to be proud of, not afraid of.

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