[Cainn66]

I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a half. We love each other very much. We want to get married. She lives in North Carolina and I in South Carolina. She wants to move back to San Diego, she lived there 10 years ago and loved it but has no family there and she wants me to move with her. Her job in NC is being phased out and she applied and got another position within her company and they told her she could transfer to San Diego. I’ve been at my job for 11 years and I’m ranked in the top ten in the nation for my company in sales earnings and I have a developed sales territory. I’m also in the Army Reserves. I am going to take a command position and will get promoted in the next 9 months. I’ve worked hard to get where I am at in both of my careers. In order to retire with the rank I am being promoted to I must stay in for 3 more years before I can retire plus the extra money and benefits are a real plus in todays economy. I can retire now if I wanted. I am from SC and my family is here. My delima is what should I do. I love here with all of my heart but I am afraid of walking away of what I have built plus the fear of finding a job in San Diego that will be equal to what I have now. I’m going to ask her to marry me. Any thoughts and advice will be greatly appreciated

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are a couple of ways that I can think of to handle this situation — but the bottom line is that you both have to be creative and forward thinking.

One way to make a decision is to decide if you want a traditional family where the husband is the breadwinner and the wife is, too, but only if it is convenient given the husband’s priority career and the wife’s child-rearing career to come. If that’s what you both want, then she should move to you.

Another way is to decide who makes more money and is willing to be the sole breadwinner if the other can’t find a job in the long term. If it’s her, then you move there. If it’s you, then she moves to you.

Or, you could decide if and when you want children and who’s going to care for them. If she is, then your career will need to be more stable to support the family and she should move to you. If you’re planning on having nannies and caregivers raise your children so you can both work, then decide if that’s what you both want.

In other words, it’s time to have a tough conversation about your possible futures together. Too often people don’t have these conversations and end up divorced because they didn’t want to face difficult truths up front (which is WAY better to do than face them later, and into a marriage where so much is at stake).

I know you love each other, but compatibility is what will keep you together over the long run when love wanes and flows and children and in laws and finances seem to rule your day to day lives. Know yourself and your own bottom line. Many men are not okay with not being able to provide for their families, and many women are not okay with their men being out of work, so know that about both you and your girlfriend before deciding what to do next.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go — and join me on Facebook! Here’s the link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Cainn66]

UPDATE: We had a talk. I explained my position and I asked her to stay in NC atleast until I finished my Army time. She said it was to late put off her moving. She also said that she has tried to want to stay in NC but doesnt want to. I expressed my fears about her moving she said she wanted to atleast try to make it work. Is she being selfish? I’m afraid once she moves our relationship will end.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Remember the trick here: Try to be [i]creative[/i] if you both want to make this work. Rather than blame her for being selfish I suggest that you see if you can make a long distance relationship work between South Carolina and California. Unless of course you don’t want to do that at all. If you don’t want to try and make it work or if you can’t make it work, then at least you’ve given it a shot, but you obviously can’t force her to stay and she can’t force you to move.

It’s easy to blame one another, but the blame is only your expression of disappointment and frustration at not being able to control the situation. Let it unfold — this is actually a great way to get to know each other and find out what’s there and if there is enough there to sustain the long run.

I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the magic wand answer you may have wanted. Let me know how things go.

And join me on Facebook. Here’s the link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Cainn66]

I asked her to marry me, she said yes. I proposed because I love her. After she said yes she said does this mean I cant move to San Diego. I said it means I love you.

[Cainn66]

I asked her to marry me and she said yes. She also asked does that mean she can move to San Diego I said it means I love you

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Congratulations! 😀 😀 😀

[Cainn66]

I would like to stay here or in NC where she lives. That way I could keep my job ( 11 years and in the top 10 in my company), keep my military career ( 21 years of service, accepting a position as a battalion Commander this weekend and I will be promoted in April which means I’ll have to stay in the Reserves for 3 more years), and still be able to help out with my parents ( My father is a farmer and with his health he is not able to do the work he used to). I have told her this. Everything she has been doing the past 6 months has been getting her and her daughter to California. Evan after I have asked her not to move there (3 times) and she said she wouldnt. Sometimes I feel she loves San Diego more than me and that she is being selfish and self center. She says she realizes what I would be giving up to be with her if I move to California but I feel there has been no compromise. Her compromise is that I can join her next year or even in 3 years. She had a hard enough time with me being an hour and half a way but she said we can make this LDR work. I love her but I dont know what to do follow my heart or my head????I feel that I’m being selfish for asking her not to want to move. Until recently she didnt have a job there and was going to move anyway. I feel bad. I want her to be happy…I want the both of to be happy together.I’m afraid that I wont be able to get a good job there and I’m also afraid that what if our relationship ends after I move there…..I’m trying very hard not to be selfish..Also we are an interracial couple. She feels that we will never be fully accepted by my family or the culture in the south. I do realize this could be true. I do love her and giving up is not part of who I am. Semper Fi

Private message

[April Masini, your AskApril]

With each post more and more information is revealed! She has a daughter. 😯 You’re an interracial couple and she’s worried about being accepted in the South. (I had no idea!)

How old are you both? How old is her daughter? Have either of you been married before? Where is the father of her child and how involved in the child’s life is he?

Let me know this information and I’ll try and give you my best advice! 😀

[Cainn66]

I’m 43 and she is 38, neither of us has ever been married. Her daughter is 19. The father has never had anything to do with her. Also we had a bad fight last week over the move but we have since made up. She came to my change of command ceremony, my parents were there. I was going to introduce them but my parents avoided her and left before I could. There was tension and it bothered my girlfriend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The extra information is helpful! 🙂 Here’s why: If your parents don’t approve of your fiance, and you’re planning on being more involved in your father’s life in order to help him with his farming, you’re going to be putting yourself and your relationship in the line of fire. You don’t need extra stress in this relationship. I’m sure that the tension between your fiance and your parents isn’t making her want to move to be with you — and them. I know that you think telling her up front what it is you want to do in terms of staying in South Carolina or North Carolina to help your parents, feels like you’re being respectful and doing the right thing, and while honesty is the right thing, this isn’t a move that’s going to help your relationship. If you marry, your wife has to come first. If your parents can’t accept her then you have to limit your contact with them under the condition that they behave politely and civilly to her. She has to be your priority in relationships. So if you want her to move or stay in a state that is not her first choice because it’s where your career is, you have to be willing to make some compromises to make the relationship and your life together more palatable to her.

Also, since her daughter is 19 years old, it’s time for her to start her own life and the sooner she does that, the sooner your fiance will feel like she’s unencumbered by her adult child. I’m sure the two of them are very close since the daughter’s father has been absent, but it would be healthier for all of you if the daughter moved on with her own life — in California or any other state where she can work, have healthy relationships and start her own life as an adult. Careful how you broach this with your fiance, though. Avoid sounding like there is a competition between you and your future step-daughter. That will be a poison pill tough to swallow!

I hope that helps.

Please join me on Facebook. I’d love to have you as a free member of AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Cainn66]

Thanks so much for your help. She has already accepted a job transfer and is moving in October. We are going to try the Long Distance THing. I understand her points about us being an interracial couple in the south and that it will be long battle for her to be accepted if ever by my family. I have been thinking about changing careers and retiring from the National Guard in the next 12 to 18 months. I have to see what kind of job opportunities I will have in San Diego. The fight we had, the initial contact with my parents and her moving has put some strain on our relationship. I’m trying to be positive and I’m trying not go into a shell when she talks about the move or her new job. Honestly I feel that I dont have any control and scares me. I’m going tobe positive and supportive, love her the best I can.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You know, sometimes facing your fears is the scariest thing in the world, but it’s also what will give you the most confidence when you realize that that fear is not going to kill you and in fact, my even give you the biggest confidence in the world.

I understand completely that your feeling you have no control over something you want so much is frightening, but now you will truly get to see whether or not this woman is genuinely yours. If she moves back in October, and then the two of you can work the long distance relationship, and you then realize that you are going to have to be the one to move, you will have those [u]choices[/u].

Remember that you are not a victim in any of this. [i]You can’t always get what you want[/i] — but Mick Jagger’s song was a big hit because it resonated the truth: [i]You’ll find sometimes that you get what you need.[/i] 😉

Let me know how things go and join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[Cainn66]

Its been almost two months since my fiance moved to California. I went to Cali to visit her for my birthday for a few days. We are discussing the wedding plans and my move to Cali. We talk on the phone everyday. I send her text messages and emails letting her know that I love and miss her. Sometimes I feel like she is distant. She doesnt send emails or text messages first often and that bothers me. I asked her why and she says thats not the way she is. When we talk on the phone its kind of hum drum. We are watching TV together while we are on the phone which generates conversation so I guess that is good. She created a Facebook page and I was like the tenth person she invited to be her friend which is ok. I changed my relationship status to engaged. Before my status wasnt listed, and it sent her a message for a confirmation of us being engaged. She never responded. I also put pictures up on my page of us and tagged her in them. As you probably know when you do that it puts them on the person being tagged wall. She took them down. On her page she has 2 pictures of me but the pictures dont say who I am. They are in a album when we went to the zoo and makes me feel I’m in a general catagory like the pictures of her friends she has. I asked her why she didnt respond to the engaged confirmation and why she took the tagged photos down. She got mad and She said it was her page and she can do what she wants on it and she said that I didnt have being engaged or her pictures on my page until she got a facebook page. She said she deleted her page.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you go back and read your history of posts to me you’ll see that there are problems in this relationship that can be resolved if you live in the same city for a while before getting married. You’ve been putting off doing the hard work by creating peripheral drama, like getting engaged! The excitement of the engagement took the focus off of the real problems in the relationship, but now time has passed and they’re rearing their heads again.

If you want to marry this woman you have to have a same city relationship with her. Watching television together while you’re both on the phone in different cities is not going to win her heart over. She may have given you a yes on your proposal, but clearly things are cooling. If you want her, you have to win her over.

I know you’re already engaged, but relationships take work to maintain them. Roll up your sleeves, stop complaining, and do what has to be done. Be in the same city with her, for good, wherever you decide, and don’t get married until you’re sure there is a strong basis for a long term relationship there.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go — I know you will!!

See you on Facebook [url][/url] and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 🙂

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