[Anonymous]

Hi,
I have some trust issues with my ex (who we are working together to fix our relationship) and after we had broke things off he started dating someone. I know she was kinda significant but at the same time, i am not really completely sure.
They are both student (Hes 26, shes 20, and I am 24) and in the same program at school. I know that something happened while we were broken up, but had a feeling he was being completely honest with me.

So i hacked his email. I know. I have NEVER EVER done that before in over 8 years of dating, but something felt like he wasn’t being honest with me.
I found some emails from bit ago, back when we were just talking. During this time, he was saying “Love you” to her, which made me feel SICK to my stomach, and i found another saying that “she was the one for him”. These emails were within a couple of days into him telling me that he wants to fix us and loves me still, and that made me more sick to my stomach.

Since then, there have been no emails (that i know about) to her saying those things.

I know that we were broken up, and he says he loves me all the time now to me, but i still just can’t trust him. How can i bring something like this up (or can i?) because i hacked his email… and do i haev a right to be mad if we were ‘technically’ nothing???

What do I DO??? I have NEVER dealt with this before…… Let it go because there isnt anything recent (but since they are class mates they still talk…) or confront him and possibly ruin the future because i hacked… (I don’t know if i can do a future with him now…)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to let this go — all of it. He’s given you no reason to distrust him. You dated. You broke up. He dated someone else. He’s done nothing wrong.

Your anxiety is unfounded. The e-mails you found were private and only proved that he’s done nothing wrong. You could have dated during the time that you two were broken up and if the tables were turned, I’d tell him the same thing.

Don’t give yourself headaches or drama that is manufactured.

The real questions here are how long did you date and why did you broke up? You mention in your post that you’re working to get back together with your ex, but you need to decide what is different and what you’re working to overcome in order to make the relationship work in round two.

I hope that helps. Let me know how it goes, and join me @AskAprilcom on Twitter or on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

sorry, maybe i should have been more clear.
we dated for over 7 years. in these emails i found out that he started pursuing another person more than a month before we broke up, and has been seeing her since. then we broke up in june, and have been in constant contact since. in september, HE called ME to tell me he wants us to work on fixing our relationship, and that we weren’t going to see other people so of course i believed him.

obviously i felt like there was something up. like he would be unavailable for random amounts of time, or his phone was off. it just felt secretive.

i did something i never thought i would and checked his email, and found out that after he told me it was going to be us working on our relationship, he told the other girl he loved her, and even took her to thanksgiving with her family (were in canada).

i was destroyed, especially about the last month, even more then the time before we broke up. Now hes again, told me that he is so sorry, he loves me it should be me and him, and that he never loved her, but was confused.

he was feeling unhappy in our relationship and i know i was treating him poorly before, and i can forgive the stuff before we broke up because BOTH of us contributed to that, and i can understand it.

i want to give him ONE last shot because i honestly think that we both want it. its only been a few days, but i just want to know HOW i could possibly trust what he says?? i just am a mess…..

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Rebuilding trust is very difficult, but it can be done. It requires time, understanding, patience and being uncomfortable when you don’t know everything you want to know.

If your part in the break up was treating him poorly, then it’s time for you to take responsibility for that. If you treat a man poorly, he’s going to stray. You’re not married, and while it’s not very nice for him to cheat on you, you have to understand that men want to feel good about themselves and their relationships, so treat him well if you want him to stick around! 😉

You can also ask him to talk to you about his wanting to leave the relationship before he does it. After seven years of dating, it was probably scary for him to leave you without someone else waiting in the wings, which is why he started seeing someone before the two of you were broken up, so that when you were finally broken up, he’d have someone else to go to. In divorces, most men re-marry more quickly than their ex-wives do. Men actually like relationships a lot more than many women give them credit for! None of this is an excuse for him cheating on you, but if you understand why he did what he did, and talk to him about it, and tell him what you want and he can tell you what he wants, there’s a basis for starting over again.

It isn’t easy, and as you can see there is pain, but if you want to give it another try, this is how you start.

I hope that helps. See you on Facebook at this link: [url][/url] and @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[Anonymous]

I have another question.

Obviously, we don’t live together right now, but we did for 4 years. We found that some issues that we had arose from living together and possibly moving in together too young (I wouldn’t take out the garbage because he never took out the garbage, but he never did because I didnt…. Stupid immaturity issues).

Would it be important for us to move back in together and work through all our issues this way, so that we can build and work on where we went wrong and what we need to fix or is it better to live apart and work on growing as ourselves and then move back in together??

I am scared of both… Im scared if we move back in together right away we will just fall back into the same routines. I am also scared because what if we are amazing for months in so many other ways and then decide its time to move back in together and then it falls apart then??

I also am unsure how to deal with the issues of trust i am having if we don’t live together…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re wanting everything to fall right into place, when rebuilding trust takes time. Moving in together is not going to fix things. Your desire to do so indicates that you’re insecure and afraid of losing him. You want to know where he is every minute so you can assure yourself he’s not cheating on you. Well, living together won’t solve that problem. Lots of people who live together still cheat.

You need to work on you, and if he decides he wants to work on himself, then you can cover a lot more ground together. The issue you mentioned about not taking out the garbage is truly immaturity. What will you do if that issue arises again — if he doesn’t take out the garbage? What are the other problems you had — and how will you handle them differently now?

I don’t recommend you move back in together until you feel like you’ve rebuilt your trust and you really want to be committed to him, and you feel he wants to be committed to you, too. Don’t move in together until you really feel like you trust him again.

I hope that helps. See you @AskAprilcom on Twitter, and on Facebook: [url][/url]. 🙂

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