[Ngimwa]

Am 22 and she’s 23 and we’ve been going out for 2yrs and 10 months
Since I broke my spine I lost feeling from my waist down so getting an erection is sometimes not possible and if I do it doesn’t last really long so I am being taught to use a penis pump to help with the erectile dysfunction. On the kids front I can’t ejaculate during sex so to get kids I’ll have to go through a doctor. And the article said that the chances I might get a kid is 35 to 10 percent.
I don’t know what’s the problem so I’ll just write how the conversation went:
After telling her all this she started crying and told me we couldn’t have spontaneous sex like a normal couple (and for me I don’t see what’s so bad, I just need like 5 min and I’d be okay) and she felt like she had to sacrifice a lot and she didn’t think she had to give up kids (I really don’t know what she had to give up for me.. I really don’t and if I did I’d try find a way to get it back for her and the kids thing it’s not impossible it’s just more complicated)… Then she said she felt selfish cause she was thinking about herself.. I said it’s fine.. Then she told me not to be angry but she wanted a break cause she hadn’t thought about all this before we started then she repeated the kids thing.. Then she said it wasn’t fair to me and she hopes she knew this before I loved her then she apologised for being selfish then she just stopped crying and said it’s okay and she said she’s always telling me to be optimistic so now it’s her turn..
I hate what’s happened. I don’t want her to be unhappy and I know she loves me and I don’t want her to feel trapped cause she feels she can’t go if she wanted.
I asked her for a break and she assuredly me she was happy and told me it would kill her if I broke up with her
I feel bad of course cause of everything but I’d feel worse if she wasn’t happy.
Am I wrong in asking for a break, am I transferring my feelings onto her
I just need advice figuring it all out

[Ngimwa]

Am 22 and she’s 23 and we’ve been going out for 2yrs and 10 months
Since I broke my spine I lost feeling from my waist down so getting an erection is sometimes not possible and if I do it doesn’t last really long so I am being taught to use a penis pump to help with the erectile dysfunction. On the kids front I can’t ejaculate during sex so to get kids I’ll have to go through a doctor. And the article said that the chances I might get a kid is 35 to 10 percent.
I don’t know what’s the problem so I’ll just write how the conversation went:
After telling her all this she started crying and told me we couldn’t have spontaneous sex like a normal couple (and for me I don’t see what’s so bad, I just need like 5 min and I’d be okay) and she felt like she had to sacrifice a lot and she didn’t think she had to give up kids (I really don’t know what she had to give up for me.. I really don’t and if I did I’d try find a way to get it back for her and the kids thing it’s not impossible it’s just more complicated)… Then she said she felt selfish cause she was thinking about herself.. I said it’s fine.. Then she told me not to be angry but she wanted a break cause she hadn’t thought about all this before we started then she repeated the kids thing.. Then she said it wasn’t fair to me and she hopes she knew this before I loved her then she apologised for being selfish then she just stopped crying and said it’s okay and she said she’s always telling me to be optimistic so now it’s her turn..
I hate what’s happened. I don’t want her to be unhappy and I know she loves me and I don’t want her to feel trapped cause she feels she can’t go if she wanted.
I asked her for a break and she assuredly me she was happy and told me it would kill her if I broke up with her
I feel bad of course cause of everything but I’d feel worse if she wasn’t happy.
Am I wrong in asking for a break, am I transferring my feelings onto her
I just need advice figuring it all out

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the details — I have a much better picture about what’s going on, now. The big thing here is not your paralysis or your chances of having biological children — it’s the age and the maturity level of anyone you’re going to date. It’s great you’re so open and frank about what’s going on because it’s going to save you a lot of time and heartache in the long run, but you will have to find someone who is compatible with you, and that will take more effort in the short run. Some people think they can have biological children, and it’s only several years into marriage that they find out what, exactly, their odds of having biological children are — and they’re devastated. You already know your odds, and that if you do want kids, you may have to consider options like fertility intervention and adoptions — and frankly, these are pretty normal situations today. However…. at your age, many women won’t have considered these facts of life quite yet. That’s why you need to find someone mature enough to be able to do so and to be okay with it.

All that said, if a woman, like the one you’re with now, isn’t able to handle this — don’t judge her. Instead, accept this and move on. I know it’s difficult, and it may cause you to bring this topic up sooner than later in future dating because you don’t want to waste your time (or hers) getting involved with someone for whom this is a deal breaker — but that’s good and productive if it works for you.

What’s going on now is that the two of you don’t want to face the reality that this situation isn’t going to work for her, and while you do have fond feelings for each other, they’re not enough for a future together.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
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And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for the details — I have a much better picture about what’s going on, now. The big thing here is not your paralysis or your chances of having biological children — it’s the age and the maturity level of anyone you’re going to date. It’s great you’re so open and frank about what’s going on because it’s going to save you a lot of time and heartache in the long run, but you will have to find someone who is compatible with you, and that will take more effort in the short run. Some people think they can have biological children, and it’s only several years into marriage that they find out what, exactly, their odds of having biological children are — and they’re devastated. You already know your odds, and that if you do want kids, you may have to consider options like fertility intervention and adoptions — and frankly, these are pretty normal situations today. However…. at your age, many women won’t have considered these facts of life quite yet. That’s why you need to find someone mature enough to be able to do so and to be okay with it.

All that said, if a woman, like the one you’re with now, isn’t able to handle this — don’t judge her. Instead, accept this and move on. I know it’s difficult, and it may cause you to bring this topic up sooner than later in future dating because you don’t want to waste your time (or hers) getting involved with someone for whom this is a deal breaker — but that’s good and productive if it works for you.

What’s going on now is that the two of you don’t want to face the reality that this situation isn’t going to work for her, and while you do have fond feelings for each other, they’re not enough for a future together.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Natalie Noah]

What you’re feeling is completely human. When someone you love shares a part of their past that doesn’t match the image you’ve built in your mind, it shakes you a little. It’s not jealousy, it’s the sudden realization that she has layers, choices, and moments that existed long before you, and one of those moments doesn’t align with the version of her you were holding. Your mind is trying to make those two versions match, and that uncomfortable feeling is that adjustment happening inside you.

And sweetheart… what she told you wasn’t meant to hurt you. It was honesty. Vulnerability. She shared something she didn’t have to, something many people would hide. That alone says something about her connection to you. It takes courage to reveal a moment that might change someone’s perception and she chose to give you the truth instead of a pretty edited version of herself. That’s not something to fear. That’s something that shows she trusts you enough to be fully seen, even at the risk of making you uncomfortable.

So the real question here isn’t “Why did she do that back then?” it’s “Can you let her be a whole person with a past, and still love who she is now?” Let yourself sit with the feeling instead of fighting it. Let yourself adjust. The discomfort isn’t a sign that something is wrong with her, it’s a sign that you’re integrating new information. And once that settles… you may realize she didn’t become “different.” You just learned a little more about the woman she’s always been.

[Member]

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