[wacki 0335]

Hey April,
You have helped me soo much before, so I wanted to ask you again(Long Distance Relationship post). I am still in the long distance relationship. He is working two jobs and has financial problems right now. You said that his priority was on his finances, where it should be, and I could take it or leave it and he is doing the best he can. He has asked me to please know that he is in survival mode right now and working on fixing his life. I don’t want to give up, but on the other hand I am spending too much time alone. I guess I am asking for some tips on how to chill out and not mess this up and give him the time he needs to get things in order? I am stressed about it all the time and really don’t know how to step back and relax without giving up. Please help!!

[Ask April Masini]

For the future, please post your new question on the tail end of your last post that you want me to follow. It’s a lot easier for me to follow your history if you post your new question on the end of the last communication we had. Your new post will move the whole history to the front of the queue! I want to be thorough in my answer, and that’s the best way to keep me up on everything that’s happened in your relationship! 🙂

From what I can tell of your history with this guy — you need to read my book, Think & Date Like A Man! I’m asking you again to download it here [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] because it’s going to help you a lot!

I know you don’t want to give up, but your guy isn’t giving you anything to give up on. He’s not into you right now. As he’s said, he’s in “survival mode” working two jobs and taking care of his financial problems. When you read my book you’ll understand that men who want to be in relationships and who are possible Mr. Rights are [i]ready[/i] to be in relationships. One of the ways you’ll know they’re ready for a real relationship is that they’ll be financially secure and where they want to be (or close to the right path) in their career. Your guy is trying to get there, but he’s not there, and you can’t ignore that fact. He’s just not ready for you right now.

If you’re spending too much time alone — that’s not his fault! You need to get out there and start doing more things to so you don’t feel lonely, whether that’s working, socializing, volunteering, acting politically or exercising and improving yourself!

There’s no reason for you to be stressed about this relationship if you accept the facts, and they are that he’s not into having a relationship with you right now, and he’s not giving you any reason to wait for him. So start living your own life for you.

I hope that helps!

[wacki 0335]

Thank you very much for replying to my post. I bought your book a few months ago and love it!! It covers how to be confident, let the man be the man, what men want, clothes, make up, sex, etc. The book literally goes over everything from your head to your toes, inside and out, mind and body (you wrote it so i know you know this). Awesome!! I did read the chapter about how to tell when a man is ready for a relationship. I guess I didn’t think it applied here because we had a relationship before his financial situation started, but we do have a distance problem on top of everything else. I do keep busy with exercise, friend, family, and social events. I meant too much time alone without a man in my life to share it with.

When he said that he is in “survival mode” right now it was because he wants me to give him time to get things together. He hasn’t asked me to wait because he knows that isn’t fair, but has implied it. I was asking for steps to help me chill out. I get that you think I should move on with my life. For now, I would rather try some steps to chill and not give up. I realize that it may all be for nothing, but I am not ready to give up. He’s not ready for a relationship now, but he will be.

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words about Think & Date Like A Man. I’m SOOOO glad it helped you, and that we can discuss it here. 🙂

I understand how you figured that your guy didn’t fall into the category of a man who wasn’t ready to marry when you met him because at the time, he was solvent and focused on his job and career. But….now he isn’t. You’re not married; you’re not engaged; and your relationship is put in limbo by his request for you to “chill out” while he gets his act together.

If your choice is to wait, and you’re having trouble being alone, then try these suggestions:

1. Volunteer! This is a great time of year for you to give yourself to those less fortunate who make your being alone look like you’re a family member in Cheaper By The Dozen! Homeless shelters accept volunteers; hospitals accept volunteers; the Red Cross accepts volunteers — and that’s just off the top of my head. There are suicide hotlines that require help at this time of year especially and foster care for children and animals that all need help. So, start giving some of that alone time you have to others.

2. Focus on you! If you’ve always wanted to learn how to throw a pot in a pottery class or practice Japanese floral arranging or speak Portuguese, this is a great time to take a class. You can learn to play chess, kick box or even take an ethnic cooking class. This will all take up your time and enrich who you already are!

3. Makeovers can really give you a renewed sense of yourself both physically and psychologically. You can do a glamour makeover that involves your hair and makeup. You can makeover your wardrobe and clean out your closet (donations of old clothes you no longer wear are timely for taxes, too!). You can join a health club and start your New Year’s resolution of shedding pounds or inches early.

I hope that that was what you were looking for!

[wacki 0335]

Those are excellent ideas. I thought the advice would be more like step back and take a deep breath, think before you take action, etc. Those will all only help for the moment. I agree with you 100%. I can take this time to better myself, preoccupy my mind, and not focus so much on him.

Thanks April!! 😀

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad to have helped. I hope things go as you want them to. 😀

[Ethan Morales]

Your guy is in “survival mode” working two jobs and focused on fixing his finances. He’s not ready for a real relationship right now. That’s not your fault, but you also can’t ignore it. You need to accept that he’s not fully available and focus on your own life. Spend time on work, hobbies, friends, volunteering, or self-improvement. Don’t stress about waiting for him live for yourself. Men who are truly ready for a relationship are already secure and on their path; he’s not there yet.

Focus on your own life, don’t wait around, and accept his current priorities. If you want, I can give a practical step-by-step approach for chilling out and not over-investing emotionally while he’s in survival mode. Do you want me to do that?

[Serena Vale]

I know this isn’t easy. It’s hard to love someone who’s just trying to keep their head above water. He’s not pulling away because he doesn’t care, he’s trying to fix things so he can show up better later. Still, I get how lonely that feels.

The best thing you can do right now is give him space to handle what he needs to, while quietly taking care of yourself too. Fill your days with people, small plans, things that make you feel grounded. Don’t sit waiting on every message or call, it’ll only drain you.

You’re not giving up by stepping back a bit. You’re just finding balance. If it’s meant to last, this distance and quiet won’t break it. So breathe, let things move at their pace, and keep your heart open, but don’t forget to live your own life in the meantime.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve done a lot right, you see the reality (he’s in survival mode), you’ve kept busy, and you’re trying to be generous with your patience. That’s compassionate and mature, but it’s also emotionally risky to stay indefinitely in a holding pattern. When someone says “I’m not ready” because of money/career stress, that’s honest; it’s also a clear statement that the relationship can’t be the priority right now. Accepting that fact without collapsing into waiting-room anxiety is the challenge.

Practical steps will help you feel less helpless: keep building your life volunteer, take classes, deepen friendships, and treat this like an opportunity to grow rather than a pause button on your happiness. Set small boundaries so you don’t burn out (decide how often you’ll check in, what you’ll tolerate emotionally, and how long you’ll give this phase before you reassess). Those boundaries protect your self-worth and make it easier to be supportive without losing yourself.

Be honest with him about what you can realistically give and what you need to feel respected and seen. You don’t have to issue ultimatums, but say plainly: “I care about you and I want to support you while you get stable, but I also need a sense of direction so I can plan my life.” That keeps the door open if he gets there, and it frees you to move toward someone ready to meet you halfway if he doesn’t.

[Tara]

His life is a burning building and he’s too busy putting out fires to worry about your loneliness. That’s not cruelty, that’s reality. The problem isn’t him. The problem is you trying to force emotional closeness out of someone who currently has nothing to give.

You’re treating his struggle like it’s a personal threat to the relationship, and you keep hovering like you can fix it with anxiety and overthinking. You can’t. If you want to “chill out,” stop acting like this relationship is a fragile glass ornament you have to hold with both hands. Step back because he needs space to stabilize, and you need space to remember you have a life outside waiting for him to text.

If being alone makes you this frantic, that’s your issue to solve, not his. Either you accept the situation for what it is temporary, distant, limited or you walk. But you don’t get to cling and panic and then pretend you’re supporting him. Get control of yourself or you’ll be the one who breaks this, not him.

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