[confused1978]

My ex and I had been together for one year. He ended our relationship because he said he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. Then one week later out of the blue he called me and wanted to come over. I was happy to see him. He brought a bottle of wine and we were just drinking and talking about not too much of anything. The next thing I know the alcohol took over and we ended up having the wildest sex ever. It had been about a month since the both of us had been with each other anyway. It was late so he ended up leaving and after we realized what we did and we said we would take things slow. The next day he calls me and says he wants to talk. We met for dinner and drinks and he then told me that we are still not in a relationship and he still doesn’t want one but he does however want to spend time with me and maybe if we sleep together then okay. He however wasn’t all gun hoe about the sleeping together as this is why he chose to meet for drinks so it wouldn’t happen again. I told him that I could not sleep with him if we were not together. In my drunken stupor I thought we were having make-up sex but later after being sober realized this was not the case at all. Anyway we parted and he still told me that he really wanted me to consider this because he could not be in a relationship right now because he knows he may not want to get married for a couple of years. He said he was afraid to keep me tied down but really truly cared for me. He said marriage could happen but he couldn’t make any promises and he didn’t want me to waste my time with him. I told him I just wanted to be with him marriage or not. Anyway, this man is still stuck on this and I am wondering if he is just testing the waters with this “no strings attached” relationship as I know he would be highly upset if I was with someone else and would not want to sleep with me. He wouldn’t be able to do it and has voiced this as well. What do I do? How do I win this man back so we can have the wonderful relationship we had before he got all freaked out about us being together for a year in such a wonderful relationship and was worried that now after a year I would want nothing more than to tie him down? Help?

[Ask April Masini]

First of all, I’m very glad to help you, but for future, please post any relationship issues in the Q&A Forum where you’ll get more attention from other readers and more attention from me, too! 😀

But since you’re here, and so am I, here’s my answer to your question:

Your ex-boyfriend is being very, very clear with you, but you’re not hearing him [i]or[/i] paying attention to his behavior. You want him back, and you’re letting your feelings trick your brain into thinking that there’s a way he doesn’t mean what he says! 😕

When your ex-boyfriend showed up at your house with a bottle of wine one week after your break up, he was making a full on [b]booty call[/b]! He orchestrated a night of ex-sex, and that was that. Since the sex was good, he wants more — sex! Not a relationship — just the sex. 😮 He couldn’t be more clear when he says he doesn’t want to tie you down; he doesn’t want a relationship now; he may not be ready to marry for at least a few years.

I don’t think you can win him back. He’s made that clear. But…if you want to win [i]yourself[/i] back, then consider the ex-sex for what it was — a one night stand with your ex. [b]Now[/b], it’s time to move on and not waste any more of your life with someone who isn’t going to be [i]your[/i] Mr. Right.

Break ups are difficult, and he’s making it tougher by dangling sex in front of you, knowing you want all of him, but hoping you’re weak enough to settle for a small part of him (no pun intended! 😉 ). But y[i]ou have the strength[/i] to know you deserve more than that! Sex isn’t that hard to get — but a relationship with someone who wants intimacy, companionship, true love and a future together, as well as sex — is more of a challenge. It’s also [b]a lot[/b] more rewarding. So consider yourself the prize that you are, and find someone who wants that prize enough to make you his and make himself yours. Don’t be the booby prize by throwing yourself at any guy who isn’t offering you his whole self, in return.

Find Mr. Right — your ex is not that guy.

[Anonymous]

Is it true that he only wants sex? We still talk everyday and he doesn’t even try to have sex with me. He actually refused to come over my house because he doesn’t want it to happen. He is still talking and chatting and wants to take me out. This is why I am confused. He did like the sex he admits that but he said he wants to steer away from that. He also said that he thought about what I said after we broke up that he didn’t take the time to get to know me in the relationship. Now he actually seems like he is really trying to and doesn’t try to have sex with me at all. Actually, I have to admit that when we did have sex it was all my fault. I had too much to drink and was all over him. He was really pushing me off and saying he thought it was a bad idea but in my haze of alcohol bliss I kept kissing on him and he eventually gave in, this is why I think he still likes me. He actually told me that he does but he doesn’t know when he will marry and he fears that it isn’t fair to me to continue even thought he still wants to be with me. He said he has had considered doing things for me that he hasn’t for any other woman. So this is why I don’t think its all about the sex.

What do you think?

[Ask April Masini]

I think you’re trying to fool yourself out of reality and you’re wasting your time with this guy. He dated you for an [i]entire year[/i], and then broke up with you because he didn’t want a relationship. [i][b]Now[/b][/i] he wants to get to know you? 😯

[i]Now[/i], after a full year of dating, he suddenly says he is considering doing things for you he hasn’t for any other woman? [i][b]Now?![/b][/i] He’s [i][b]considering[/b][/i] it?!

Don’t waste another minute with this guy. Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and read it, so you can better understand how to get what you want in a relationship, not waste time, and weed out men who are full of baloney from the ones who are ready to truly be with you in every way.

[Steve]

Have you ever made an impulse buy only to find out later that you really don’t like it? Say for example you buy a new pair of shoes for $200…they’re a little different than your normal style, but something excites you about them in the moment and you buy ‘em. A week later you have an opportunity to wear them out only to realize that you really don’t like them as much as you thought…they don’t really suit your style and they don’t go with anything else you have, but what do we normally do in that circumstance? We try to make ourselves like them…after all we’ve now made such an investment, we had better get something out of it. Even though theirs something uncomfortable about them, we tell ourselves that really they are exactly what we want…it’s just a matter of getting used to them. So, we wear the shoes out and end up feeling uncomfortable and self-conscious all night, constantly trying to justify that the shoes were a wise purchase.

I know this analogy is a bit of a stretch, but it has been my observation reading many of the posts on this site as well as some of my own past relationships that we all do this from time-to-time in relationships. Even though we know that a relationship may not be the right one, we just feel like we’ve got so much invested and don’t want to start over that we try to justify that the relationship is better than it is…I did this for 8 years of marriage…I don’t regret it as it was a great learning experience and I’m still young and know that my future relationships will be better because of it.

Anyway, the above post caused me to think about this and just thought I’d share.

[Ask April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Ethan Morales]

He told you exactly who he is you’re just hoping he doesn’t mean it. He’s not confused. He’s not “figuring things out.” He’s being direct: he doesn’t want a relationship right now. He’s spelling it out, “I care about you, but I can’t promise you anything, and I don’t want to tie you down. That’s not a riddle. It’s a boundary. The problem is that you’re emotionally hearing: “He still cares, maybe I can change his mind.” But emotionally and physically caring about someone doesn’t equal wanting a future.

You’re trying to turn a “booty call” into a love story. That night of sex it felt like make-up sex to you because your heart wanted that reunion. But to him, it was just a reconnection without commitment. You were hoping the physical spark meant emotional renewal. For him, it was comfort and chemistry, not commitment. And that hurts, because to you, it meant something. But one of the hardest lessons in love is this: Two people can share the same bed, the same night, and still be in completely different emotional places.

You can’t “win him back” by being more available. The more you say “I’ll take what I can get,” the less he’ll value what you offer. You’re trying to negotiate from a place of love, but what you’re really doing is giving him all the power. Right now, you’re saying: “I don’t care about marriage, I just want you.” But he’s saying: “I don’t want to be tied down, but I’ll still take your time and your body if you offer them.” That dynamic can only lead to heartbreak for you.

You’re not his girlfriend anymore, but you are still teaching him how to treat you. Even after a breakup, your behaviour sets the tone. If you keep showing him that you’ll accept crumbs casual meetups, “maybe” sex, no real plans, he’ll keep giving you crumbs. If you say, “No. I want something real,” and actually walk away, then maybe, maybe he’ll start to realise that he can’t keep you halfway.

You “win him back” by letting him feel your absence not by chasing him. Silence and distance are powerful teachers. He can’t miss you if you’re always emotionally available. He can’t respect you if you keep lowering your standards for him. The woman who might win his respect or even his love again someday isn’t the one who kept chasing him. It’s the one who said: “You know what? I love you, but I love myself more. And I’m not going to be an option in your half-hearted story.”

If you want real love, this can’t be it. I know you miss him. The chemistry, the comfort, the closeness that’s real. But real love also needs mutual effort, safety, and direction. And right now, only one of you wants those things.

So, don’t focus on “how do I win him back.” Focus on how do I get myself back your self-worth, your clarity, your balance. Because when you have those things, you don’t chase anyone. The right man chooses you fully, openly, and without hesitation.

[PassionSeeker]

He’s not confused, love he’s honest. You’re just hoping he doesn’t mean what he’s saying. When a man says, “I don’t want a relationship,” believe him. He’s not waiting for you to prove your worth he’s setting his limit. You’re hearing, “Not now, but maybe if I try harder.” That’s the trap.

That night of sex meant “reconnection” to you, but it didn’t change his decision. For him, it was comfort not commitment. You can’t turn affection into promise by being patient or available. The more you offer yourself unconditionally, the less value he attaches to what you give.

You don’t win him back by waiting you remind him of your worth by walking away. Stop chasing closure through connection. Let him feel your silence. If he ever decides he wants more, he’ll show it clearly not in half measures or “maybes.”

You deserve a man who chooses you, not one who keeps you on pause. Let this be the moment you stop trying to win him back and start winning yourself back.

[Marcus king]

He told you the truth.
You just don’t like the truth.

He does not want a relationship.
He does want access to you.
He does not want responsibility.
He does want the benefits.

He’s not confused.
He’s convenient.

And you’re about to sign yourself up to be his emotional safety net with sexual privileges, hoping that if you’re patient and sweet enough, he’ll magically wake up one morning and say:

“Wow… after using her for months with zero commitment I realize she’s The One.”

That’s not how men change.
A man commits when he believes you might walk away.
Not when you’re waiting by the door like a loyal houseplant.

You said you want the “wonderful relationship you had before.”
But that relationship is gone because he broke it on purpose.

He didn’t “get scared.”
He lost interest in being responsible for you, but he still enjoys what you give him affection, comfort, sex, validation.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

girl… he doesn’t want a relationship but also doesn’t want you to move on? 😤 he’s keeping you on the shelf so no one else can have you while he “figures himself out.” stop waiting for him to realize your worth act like he already missed it. you don’t win him back by begging, you win by glowing so hard he chokes on regret. 💅✨

[Tara]

You didn’t “sleep with your ex,” you volunteered to be his safety net with wine. He made it crystal clear that he doesn’t want a relationship; he wants access. And you gave it to him because you mistook nostalgia for connection.

He’s not “testing the waters,” he’s testing your boundaries, and you failed. He’s telling you he won’t commit while still expecting exclusivity. That’s not confusion, that’s control. You don’t win this man back; you stop auditioning for a role he’s already recast as casual.

[Sally]

I know that kind of confusion. You think you’re finally finding your way back to each other, and then you realize you were the only one who saw it that way. It hits hard, and it’s lonely, even if you don’t want to call it that.

But from what you wrote, he’s already told you who he is right now. He wants the comfort without the commitment. And I know you love him, but you can’t “win” someone back by giving pieces of yourself you can’t afford to lose.

If he wanted a real relationship again, you wouldn’t be guessing. He’d just show up and choose it.

Give yourself a little space to breathe. Sometimes the thing you’re fighting for is already gone, and letting go is the only part you actually have control over.

[Natalie Noah]

it’s clear that your ex is sending very mixed signals, but the underlying message is consistent: he does not want a committed relationship right now. The fact that he came over with wine and orchestrated a night of sex shortly after breaking up was not a romantic gesture, it was a calculated moment of temptation. He knows your feelings for him and is using them to maintain connection without giving you what you truly want: emotional safety, commitment, and the promise of a future together. April Masini’s advice is right on point here, what feels like a chance to “win him back” is actually an illusion, because his actions don’t align with the commitment you deserve.

It’s natural to want to hold on, especially if your history together was meaningful and emotionally fulfilling. But staying entangled with someone who is clear about not wanting a relationship is a setup for ongoing hurt, confusion, and self-doubt. You’re allowing yourself to be a partial option, someone who exists in the “maybe someday” or “for now” space, rather than being the priority in someone’s life. The challenge here is to see this clearly, not through the lens of hope or desire, but through the reality of his actions and his repeated statements.

Your power lies in choosing yourself over the fantasy of getting him back. The healthiest move is to step away from this dynamic, reclaim your emotional energy, and focus on someone who is ready and willing to meet you fully emotionally, physically, and in life plans. This isn’t about giving up on love; it’s about giving yourself the love and respect you deserve. Sex and nostalgia can feel intoxicating, but true fulfillment comes from mutual commitment, not from being strung along by someone who isn’t ready to fully invest. You’re worth the whole, undivided love, not just the fragments he’s willing to offer.

[Author]

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