[Anonymous]

Years ago, when I was 19, I told my parents I was engaged to my boyfriend, who they disapproved of because he did not go to college, and I did. They told me they wouldn’t come to my wedding, that they were embarassed and disappointed, etc., and refused to tell my extended family. My relationship with my family was tense, and I couldn’t even say his name around them. I couldn’t even speak to him on the phone if they were in the room. Well, years later, when I graduated, I was forced to move out of state and live with my family because I couldn’t afford to live on my own, and my fiance and I ended breaking up because we couldn’t handle being apart for so long.

It turns out, we started talking again, and he decided to move to where I was. He has secretly been living with me for a year, and now we want to get married. We’re 24 now, approaching 25. My parents don’t even know I’m with him. How on earth do I tell them I am going to marry this guy they don’t know I’m dating and they don’t know lives here? I am so scared I am going to lose my parents forever, because I love them despite how badly they treated me when I was with him originally. It’s been about a year and a half since they thought I was with him, and since then, we’ve done a lot of rebuilding of our relationship (me and my parents).

Please give me some advice. I feel like there’s no solution that will give me him and my parents.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Are you still living with your parents? Is he living with you in your parents house — and they don’t know? How does that work?

Did he go to college in the last five years? Is he working, and what is his career path?

Is college the only problem your parents had with your fiance?

Let me know the answers to those questions and I’ll give you my advice.

And in the meantime, join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

What? Of course he’s not living with me in my parents house and they don’t know… I have had my own place for the last year and a half.

He has not gone to college, but is working on his career in business.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If the only reason that they don’t like him for you is that he doesn’t have the same education that you do, then it would seem to me that they need to get over their problems with him. If that is [i]truly the only reason[/i] that they don’t like him, and if he has a job and is building a career and is respectful and treats you well, it sounds like the problem is with them, not him or you.

The reason you’ve kept your relationship a secret with them is because you’re trying to juggle everyone else’s feelings and not putting your own life front and center. Well, now it’s time to do just that.

I don’t think you’re going to avoid their disappointment and anger at having been kept in the dark about your living arrangements with him. The question is not how they’re going to react — I think you know how they’re going to react. The question is how YOU’RE going to act and react to them. Can you handle their disappointment? If they behave badly and cut you off, will you be able to continue to extend an olive branch to them — as long as they’re civilized to your boyfriend and you? And if they behave badly towards you and your fiance and soon to be husband, will you be able to cut them off if they can’t treat you both with respect?

It’s a given that in any family there will be people who don’t like each other, but civility is what keeps people together. They don’t have to like him, but they have to be civil and if they can’t be civil you have to take yourself and your boyfriend out of any disrespectful situations.

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but you’ve been hiding the relationship from them to avoid their reaction and the conflict it creates. Now you want to come out of the close with your relationship and you’re going to have to face their music.

I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.

And join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url][/url].

[Badfinger]

I’m suggesting: Don’t care what your parents think, at this point. You’re not 15 and on your own.
They have given their opinion, and ultimately it’s up to you and they SHOULD respect that.
You can tell them I said so. 😀
Losing you over who you decide to be with, is pretty pathetic, you can also tell them I said so. 😀
You seem to fear your parents, don’t, they should love you unconditionally, and that’s that.
It’s really their problem, don’t let it be yours, too.
Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I agree with [b]badfinger[/b], but I’m also pretty sure they don’t want to lose their daughter and they don’t have the tools to accept her boyfriend as he is, so she is going to have to change roles with them, as often happens as a child matures into an adult. This young woman is going to have to show her parents what the boundaries are and how to behave. If she is delicate and strong at the same time, she can have a win win situation, but it’s not going to be a slam dunk.

[Member]

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