[pau]

Hello April.

I have a problem with a male workmate. We are 27 year old and both of us have couple.Our relationship is very variable. He loves say things to piss me off and I do the same to him. We laught a lot together but we also have important fights in relation with things of the work but he also reproaches me things I do o say in a objective wrong way.We spend time together outside our workplace but always if we leave together our workplace. I mean, he does not call me in the middle of the day to go out for a drink except we have some work issues to do or I have to give him something. The same with phonecalls and whatsapp he makes contact with me quite often but always because he wants something from me. I always say yes because I also ask him for favors and he does it. He is a person who uses a good face to speak to another and sometimes if he is angry he does not hide it from me as he does for the rest of the people. I also notice that he treats me different because he somethings is cruel to me. I think that he behaves like he really is in front of me and not in front of others. I have friends who say that we have an special attraction for each other. I believe that is a fake way to see it specially because he remains me sometimes that I not his girlfriend. for example if he proposes a plan everything is ok, but if i propose something he always say no. in the case he acepts if I continue to propose things he puts like a wall in front of us to “keep distances” between us. He also likes to make jokes in a sexual way. I believe that he only uses me to achieve his priorities or to have fun. the main problem is that we are in a job where we have to compite and I am afraid he is using the good relation we have and the influence he has on me to be more than me.Sometimes he says things that help me to improve my work. I am so confused because I do not know what kind of relationship we have, if we are friends or only workmates. I would like to know if we can continue doing things together or if it is better for me to keep distances with him. How do yos see our relation? thank you.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you should have some distance from him. If he says things to anger you or that are cruel to you, that’s not a friend. And your instinct that he’s using you to get ahead at work, is probably a good one. I suspect your like him as more than a friend, and that attraction is keeping you in the game. But since he’s very clear that you’re not his girlfriend and he doesn’t want to date you, my advice is to move on. You can have a civilized workplace relationship with him, but look to others for friendship (and romance!). 😉

[pau]

thank you. I think you are right.
The problem are my friends telling that he asks me for stupic things to make contact with me or that he uses excuses to meet me outside job like he has an attraction but we know that nothing can happend between us. Or that he piss me off becauses he is attracted to me. Do you think they are paranoic?

I will be difficult for me to have some distance from him because I really have a good time with him as a friend.
He helps me at work and do a lot of favours to me so it is difficult for me to put and end to this but i will try.

[Ask April Masini]

I understand what you’re saying. Your friends’ opinions are interesting, but the bottom line is whatever you want it to be. If you want to continue contact with him, then maybe you can use some boundaries, but not all — for instance, if he says things that make you angry, or are inappropriate, leave, or tell him that isn’t a very nice thing to say, and stop the contact. If he continues, then you’ve got a different problem, but if he’s never been confronted with your boundaries, he may use them to change his own behavior.

Workplace relationships are very difficult because attractions do arise, and you’re working in close quarters, five or more days a week, together. The upside is that this gives you opportunities to practice boundaries and to practice balancing your professional and social relationships with colleagues. It sounds like that’s what’s on your plate! The opportunity to practice that balance.

Hope that helps!

[pau]

Hello April.
I have a problem and I do not know what to do. I am 26 and I have a boyfriend for 6 years now. He is 32. I feel very confused because I started to have feelings for a guy who I met at work, 30 years old, and I do not what to do about that.

I live 100 km away from my boyfriend’s house because of my job but although it is not a big distance we do not see each other very often. I have been living here for two years and He only visited me twice and for a very short time because he was working and now he is studying. I was ok with see him only for a couple of hours at week or even every two weeks because we are very busy and I feel with enough freedom to go out with my friends, go to the disco like a single. I think that I love that freedom and that he is ok with that. Sometimes I feel lonely and upset because I feel that I have a boyfriend but without having a boyfriend because he is not there sometimes and we are not having experiences like a couple. On the other hand, he is a nice, serious guy with plans for the future with me. What worried me the most is that I feel that I started to live my live without him till the point that sometimes I prefer not to see him. On the other side, I feel that he is not doing enough to be with me. I tried to explain that to him because a friend make me realized that maybe our relationship is not working but he took this very bad, saying that he was studying all the day for a future together and that he thinks that not bother me was better. He reproached me that when I was studying a couple of years ago and I did not go out so much he was there for me and he thinks I should have for him now. I feel very sad because I think he is a very nice guy to spend the rest of my life with and he is right about waiting for him.

The problem became bigger when I met a guy at work. I heard from him because a friend of mine felt in love with him because he was very nice to her. Because of what she told me I realized that he flirts a lot with girls. He is from a different culture and because of his accent and the words he uses can make you feel like a “queen” without having a real love feeling behind. Since two month ago we started to talk and because we have similar jobs I feel he understands me even better than my boyfriend so recently I spoke with him more than with my boyfriend even related with my problems. He started to make plans about places to go together and things to do together and insinuated that he has feelings for me. At first I tried not to pay attention to that and treat him like a friend. We started to go out alone and we have interest from both parts to meet as frequent as possible because I feel comfortable with him. The problem is that yesterday when he accompanied me home, and after talking to a friend who shows me that my relationship maybe has problems and that this guy will not be forever, the situation turns awkward when we tried to say goodbye. Nothing happened but a felt strong feelings which make me feel guilty and confused. I do not know what to do. I feel that I have feeling for two people. I am afraid to break up with a relationship with a wonderful guy. I am feel sad because this new guy will stay only for one more year in his current job and after that he plan to go abroad because he is very ambitious and he wants to be a very good professional. That situation makes me feel terrible because I think that two months is a very short time to know a person and his intentions and I need more time, and on the other hand I know that if I start something it lasts for one year. He sometimes speaks to me about a future because he feels old and he thinks it is time to have a family. And that inserts the doubt inside me that maybe he is fishing a wife because he feels old. He was about to marry once and that feel me with doubts about what he thinks he is really feeling. In addition, he feels his professional career as his best objective. With all of that, the option of being with this guy appears a crash in my organized future and maybe without an alternative future. I had the experience in the past of having a guy, broke up with him because another guy and after a short of time this guy broke up with me because I was really nothing for him.

I know that maybe I should not have gone out with him alone but I felt that I had no boyfriend in my life and now I am in a point that it is hard for me to stop seeing him but hurt my boyfriend makes me feel very bad because he really did not do nothing wrong and he loves me and I also have feelings for him too.

I am afraid to be too influenced by my friend opinion and experiences because she was in a long relationship the guy broke up with her and she changed a lot in the conception of love till the point that she does not want a serious relationship and she only wants to have fun.

I am also afraid that everything is because he is a new person in my life and I do not like monotony, and because he pays me attention I start to built a hole life of only a maybe short feeling. Other times a have a special feeling with other guys but because they did not show interested in my with only few month that feeling disappear.

What do you thing about that? What should I do?

[Ask April Masini]

I’m a little confused. Last month, above, you wrote that you were 27 years old, and you were talking about a guy at work who is also 27. Now, a month later, you write that you’re 26. Is the guy you’re writing about now the same guy from the above posts? Or someone new? What happened to the other guy?

Set me straight! 🙂

[pau]

I am 27. This guy is a new guy who works in the same company as me but in different sections and he is 30. The other guy, who is 27, works in the same department. During the last month I put some boundaries between this guy and I and I feel more comfortable because I do not pay him “a lot of attention”. But during this time another guy appeared in my life in who I found what I was looking in the other guy for saying something but without the problems with my first workmate. I am very confused for all of this in a very short time, especially because I am in a relationship. I feel that I am looking outside my relationship for something that my relationship does not give to me. Because I rarely see my boyfriend I miss doing different things together like going for a movie, go out, having dinner or even go shopping. I think I am looking for a male company to have this experience. With my first workmate I had the problem that he is in a relationship too, and he puts boundaries in what we can do together without being like a girlfriend. But now, with this new guy, who is single and wants a relationship, because he is attention and that he is there for this moment, makes me think seriously about breaking up with my boyfriend. I spoke to my boyfriend about that I feel he is not enough in my life and he asks me for patient because he is studying hard for an opposition and he wants keep the things as they are till June when is the exam. My friends keep saying that if he wants to he will come to my places for some days to stay with me because he really has the opportunity for doing that. He says that now it is not a good moment to do that and I am afraid that in the future it will not also be because he maybe needs to move to another city when he passes the exam or he needs to study for more time.
I think that I love my boyfriend, I care for him but I feel I do not have the passion so I started wondering if we are now just friends with strong appreciation. I feel passion for my new workmate but I am afraid that It would be something lasting for only few month and because of that I broke up with I guy who with I can have a future and who truly loves me.

I had the same situation 10 years ago when I was with a guy who I thought he was perfect but at the end when we were together I started to put excuses to return home earlier. I felt that I was not strong enough to break up with him and after a new guy appeared I broke up with him and I started I new relationship with this new guy. It was with a lot of passion but lasted short time and I felt that I did not mean anything for this guy. I never regretted to break up with my boyfriend but it took me so long to recover after the other guy broke up with me. I am afraid because this experience but knowing that I am not so young and I want to think in a family.

My boyfriend reproaches me that I pay a lot of attention to superficial things like travel together, going for dinner and what my friends think and I do not appreciate the true feelings that he has for me and that he would be a “good husband” and a “good father for my children”.

I do not know what to do. I am considering take some time apart to know if I really miss him or if I am used to be without him in my live but I am afraid of making a huge mistake. On the other hand, I am worried about making a mistake dating this new guy.
Also I feel guilty going out with this new guy, even alone, although I did not cheat on my boyfriend, but a friend showed me that if it happened in the opposite way maybe I do not like it.

What should I do?

[Ask April Masini]

All of this has more to do with you than any guy. This is about you knowing what you want, at your age (whether you’re 26 or 27, since you claim to be both ages!). If you want to get married, then that’s your goal. If you want to date and put marriage off, then that’s your goal. If you want a committed, monogamous relationship, then that’s your goal. If you want to play the field and not worry about commitment, then that’s your goal — and there are probably many that I haven’t touched on, as well. Basically you have to decide what you want because you’re not acting as if you’re playing offense — you’re fielding whatever comes your way, instead, and that creates a reactive relationship position, not a pro-active one. The latter is more difficult to craft for many people, but if you can, your life becomes easier because you know what you want and easily swipe left or right when you meet someone who does or doesn’t fit that relationship goal. 😉

I hope that helps! Let me know if you have any other questions.

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