[nickle_3536]

April,
Whenever I think about dating I always feel like I’m not good enough. I always find myself thinking “why would any girl
want me when there’s so many more desirable guys out there?” I find that I have no self confidence when it comes to women. I do have a lot of good attributes but I always feel like I’m not good enough. I’ve also read your article “Nice guys finish last” and, while I think you’ve described one of my problems perfectly, you didn’t give any suggestions on how to change it. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want to stop being a nice guy…. then just don’t be available so often, wait a few days to call after meeting, or after a date, and have things to do so that you’re not clingy or needy when you meet someone you like. Playing the field lets women know that you’re attractive to other women and aren’t desperate — which will cause you to finish last!

As for other ways to increase your self esteem — the simple answer is that you have to do things that make you feel good about yourself. I know that that may sound to you like a catch-22, but it’s very simple. Winning at work, at sports, and in relationships are all ways you’re going to feel good about yourself. So if you haven’t, then get out there and do it!

And if you’re asking yourself the question, “Why would any girl want me when there are so many more desirable men out there?” answer the question! What are your attributes? Be clear on them and then highlight them. Remember that women may feel the same way about themselves, and I hear from lots of women with the same problems that you’re describing — only about themselves. There is someone for everyone — in fact, there’s usually more than one someone for everyone.

The truth is that competition DOES exist, and you will have to win a woman over. But rather than shy from the competition and take yourself out of the game, you clearly do want to win, accept the challenge and hone your game! 😉

I hope that helps! Let me know how things go.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i]! [/b]

[nickle_3536]

That’s just it, I feel like the nice guy is who I am. I don’t know what it means to not be nice. I don’t even know why women don’t like nice guys. What’s wrong with being a nice guy? Don’t women want guys that are gonna treat them right?

I’m perpetually available and extremely desperate. I try not to let it show but it’s not easy. I don’t feel like I’m attractive to women. I feel like I’m the guy they take one look at and turn away. I’ve been told that I’m good looking, but I don’t feel like it. I’m not tall, 5’6″, I’m average so I’m not fat but I’m not “ripped” and of course have no self confidence whatsoever. It’s so hard for me to have self confidence when every time I turn around women are making a big deal over people like Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper, Johnny Depp, James Franco, etc. and every time I turn around they’re going out with people just like them, the pretty boys, which there’s no way in hell I can compete with. Sorry if that seems like a ridiculous statement but that’s just my observation.

As far as the things you suggested, I’m in no way athletic at all, so I’m not good at sports. I have my bachelor’s in history and master’s in American History and haven’t been able to find a job in my field. I’m going on 29 and I’m a security guard, I don’t think that qualifies as being successful in work. I’ve only had one girlfriend, and we broke up 7 1/2 years ago, and that wasn’t even a real relationship (long story). So I’m not successful in relationships. What am I successful in? What do I have to be confident about? The one thing I have, besides moderate good looks, is my intelligence, but if I can’t get a woman to talk to me long enough to see that, then what good is it?

I’m not bad looking, but I’m no pretty boy, I’m not “tall, dark, and handsome,” so how do I get a girl to take a damn second look at me, to give me a chance and realize how smart I am and how much potential I have? So many women complain about guys being shallow but it seems like so many women are shallow themselves. It seems to me like they’re hypocritical.

This might be a challenge for you, but again any help would be appreciated. Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not a challenge for me! 😆 It’s a challenge for you. 😉

[quote]I’m perpetually available and extremely desperate.[/quote]

1. Well, then stop being perpetually available. 🙂 It’s that simple. I can’t make you do it, but if you want to make changes in your life, you have to be willing to do the work. If you’re not, you’ll stay in the status quo. 😳 I know you don’t want that, so make the decision to make some changes in your life. 😉

[quote]I don’t feel like I’m attractive to women. I feel like I’m the guy they take one look at and turn away. I’ve been told that I’m good looking, but I don’t feel like it. I’m not tall, 5’6″, I’m average so I’m not fat but I’m not “ripped” and of course have no self confidence whatsoever. [/quote]

2. Go to the gym. If you’re not ripped, get ripped! In fact, you don’t have to be ripped to get the girl, but most women do like a guy who’s in shape, so start working out. You can do this with an exclusive gym membership, a cheap gym membership, a YMCA membership or for free by working out in the beautiful summer weather, running, exercising, swimming, walking, hiking — you get the picture. Don’t be a victim — take care of business!

[quote]It’s so hard for me to have self confidence when every time I turn around women are making a big deal over people like Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper, Johnny Depp, James Franco, etc. and every time I turn around they’re going out with people just like them, the pretty boys, which there’s no way in hell I can compete with. Sorry if that seems like a ridiculous statement but that’s just my observation.[/quote]

3. Get over your attitude. Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper, Johnny Depp and James Franco are not your competition. They’re your inspiration. Study them — and learn from them. If you see stop signs all around you, you’ll stop. If you see inspiration, you’ll soar!

[quote]I’m in no way athletic at all, so I’m not good at sports.[/quote]

4. Then start hanging out at the library and the art museum to meet women. 😉 Not every woman is interested in an athlete or an athletically inclined guy.

[quote]I have my bachelor’s in history and master’s in American History and haven’t been able to find a job in my field. I’m going on 29 and I’m a security guard, I don’t think that qualifies as being successful in work.[/quote]

5. You have a job and an income. There are lots of people on this forum, and elsewhere in life who don’t have ANY income. If you want a better job, then look for one. If you’re looking for one and aren’t successful, change your job strategy. The best way to get a job is to already have one — which you do!

[quote]I’ve only had one girlfriend, and we broke up 7 1/2 years ago, and that wasn’t even a real relationship (long story). So I’m not successful in relationships.[/quote]

Then do what I’m suggesting here, and you will be! 😀

[quote]What am I successful in? [/quote]

So far, you’re successful at seeing the glass as half empty and playing the victim. Time to change that! 😉

[quote]What do I have to be confident about?[/quote]

All the changes I’ve outlined for you, above — once you make them.

[quote] The one thing I have, besides moderate good looks, is my intelligence, but if I can’t get a woman to talk to me long enough to see that, then what good is it? [/quote]

Trick question alert!! 😮 The answer is that if you can’t get a woman to talk to you long enough to see your intelligence, then it’s no good. In fact, it’s not really intelligence. 😕 And if you want to stay in that rut, keep doing what you’re doing — but if you want to make changes, (which I hope you do!) and use that intelligence to change what you’re doing and saying to get a woman to talk to you long enough to see that you’re interesting and worthy, then I’m happy to help you. But again…. you have to want to change. 🙂

Hope that helps. 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]

And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[nickle_3536]

I have a very good friend who I love to death but I also care about her very much as more than a friend. She’s beautiful, kind, caring, funny, very smart, sarcastic (in a good way), has similar interests, and is an amazing friend. She’s literally everything I’m looking for, and could ever want in a girl. Unfortunately she has a boyfriend and every time I’m around her I love being with her but it hurts so much at the same time. We’re both volunteers at a local museum and have fallen into the same group of friends there and we all went out to dinner last week and she started talking about her boyfriend, who I have met before. She said they just celebrated their six month anniversary and are in love. Is the only thing I can do is suffer through a broken heart? I’d love to be able to be honest with her and tell her how I feel but I know that I would be risking pushing her away and losing her friendship, which would break my heart even more. What should I do? How do I know if she has the same kind of feelings for me? Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Is the only thing I can do is suffer through a broken heart? [/quote]

No. 😯 😕

I mean, that’s definitely an option, but you can also decide not to suffer heartbreak. 😉 The fact that that’s where you go as an option is part of the problem. You’re not even dating this woman and you’re considering heartbreak. 😮 Your string of posts here is very helpful because it really shows that you have a tendency to take the defeated position instead of the healthy and happy road to a good relationship! I hope you’ll decide to change that outlook and behavior. You’ll be happier. 😀

And if you do decide to not suffer heartbreak, you have to understand that men and women can’t be friends because one person always likes the other person more — and that leads to dishonesty, miscommunication and hurt feelings. You’re probably suffering from all of those right now.

Get over the fact that she’s your friend. She’s not. If she were you’d be honest with her, and you wouldn’t want to date her. 😉 You’d be happy for her that she has a relationship with a guy she likes — instead of feeling jealousy, envy and wanting to position yourself to take over that spot! This isn’t friendship, so, stop acting like her friend and putting yourself in the swampland of the friend zone, and accept the fact that you want to date her. 🙂

[quote]I’d love to be able to be honest with her and tell her how I feel but I know that I would be risking pushing her away and losing her friendship, which would break my heart even more. What should I do? [/quote]

You should take yourself out of the friend zone, and decide to compete for her! Dating is a process, and if you buy the book I wrote for men who want to win with women, [b]Date Out of Your League:[/b] [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], you’ll have a great resource at your fingertips to help you beyond what I can do for you here.

I know you want to get out of this rut you’ve been in — I can tell from your posts here — and that’s great! But…. you have to do the work. You can’t just wish yourself out of the rut. Changes happen because you put in the energy to make them happen. 😉

[quote]How do I know if she has the same kind of feelings for me?[/quote]

If you ask her out and she says yes, then you’ll know she’s interested in dating you. If you never ask her out, you’ll never know and you’ll probably stay in this purgatory you’ve put yourself in. 😳 Time to make some life changes. 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[nickle_3536]

Can’t someone be both a friend and a love interest? Afterall, they say the best relationships begin as friendships. They also say when you get married you marry your best friend. Yes I care about her a lot as more than a friend, but I’m also happy for her that she’s happy. Her friendship means the world to me and I would do anything for her. Of course I want her to be happy and I’m happy for her that she’s happy, I just wish the guy she was happy with was me. I have accepted the fact I want to date her, the second I started liking her as more than a friend. You say to ask her out, but isn’t that wrong given that she has a boyfriend? Also, if she says no I risk losing not only a love interest but an amazing friend. It’s a two part problem.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]Can’t someone be both a friend and a love interest? [/quote]

Nope!

😉

[quote]You say to ask her out, but isn’t that wrong given that she has a boyfriend?[/quote]

No.

It’s competing with him. 🙂 Dating is competitive, and if you want her, and she has a boyfriend, you have to win her over!

[quote]Also, if she says no I risk losing not only a love interest but an amazing friend. It’s a two part problem.[/quote]

She’s not your friend, so there’s no risk of losing a friend. And she’s certainly not an amazing friend because you’ve already said that being with her is causing your heartbreak. That’s not friendship.

And yes, you do risk losing her as a date by asking her out — asking anyone out has a risk that they’ll say no. But if you don’t, you’ll never know and you’ll stay stuck in the friend zone. The choice is yours, my friend, but you have to actually [i]do[/i] something if you want to date her. You can’t just wish it to happen, or keep asking me for advice and then not taking the advice and asking more questions. 😕 Life doesn’t work like that. 😉 I know you’re looking for easy ways out here, but hard work is what will bring you the best results.

Why don’t you buy and read the book? It will help you…. 😀 😀

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[nickle_3536]

I don’t understand why you think men and women can’t be friends or why a friend can’t be a love interest at the same time. I’ve had a lot of friends that were women. In fact, most of my friends have always been women. My best friend, who I’ve known for 13 years, is a woman. And even though being with her, even thinking about her, does cause me heartbreak, doesn’t mean she’s not an amazing friend. She’s been a great friend to me, maybe that’s why I’ve fallen for her. It’s not like she’s doing it intentionally. I’m not trying to take the easy way out, believe me I want to ask her out. I just don’t understand your logic. It’s not that you don’t make some good points, but some just seem crazy to me. I’ve never heard of asking someone out when they already have boyfriend/girlfriend. That’s basically asking them to cheat on someone they’re supposed to be being faithful to. That doesn’t seem right to me at all.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know if you have a question for me. 😀

I’m certainly not here to argue with you, and I’ve already explained why men and women can’t be friends, in my posts to you. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url]
And… you can follow my interviews and advice in the press on Twitter [i]@AskAprilcom[/i][/b]

[Ethan Morales]

This guy isn’t suffering from a “nice guy” problem. he’s suffering from a low‑identity problem. When a man feels invisible, unattractive, unsuccessful, unseen, he clings to “being nice” because it’s the only trait he feels he can rely on. But niceness isn’t the issue. it’s the way he uses it. He’s being nice as a defense, not as a choice. He’s not kind; he’s compliant. Women don’t reject him because he’s nice. they reject him because he has no backbone, no self‑definition, and no leadership energy. His self‑talk is brutal: he pre‑rejects himself before anyone else even gets the chance.

April wasn’t being harsh, she was trying to shake him out of a victim mindset he doesn’t even realize he’s stuck in. He talks about himself like life is something that happens to him, not something he participates in. “I’m not tall, not this, not that.” “I can’t do sports.” “I’m not successful.” Every sentence is a negative identity statement. That’s not fact that’s habit. April kept telling him the same thing in different words: You’re choosing the lens you see yourself through. Change the lens, change the results.

His friend situation is a classic emotional trap: he’s calling it “friendship” because it hurts less than calling it what it is unrequited love. He isn’t happy for her. He’s heartbroken. And he’s lying to himself because admitting he wants her and can’t have her is painful. April is right: men and women can be friends, but not when one person is secretly in love and the other isn’t. That isn’t friendship that’s emotional self‑harm. He’s staying close to her because it feels good… and hurts him every time. That’s not sustainable.

He keeps asking April questions but avoids taking action because action risks rejection and rejection would destroy the fragile identity he has left. This is why he debates her instead of applying the advice. It’s safer to argue theory than face reality. His issue isn’t that he thinks April is wrong it’s that doing what she suggests would force him to confront his own fears. Asking the girl out feels “wrong” to him because deep down, he doesn’t believe he could win even if she were single. It’s not morals it’s fear dressed as morality.

The girl he’s in love with? She’s not “misleading” him. she just sees him as a friend because he acts like one. And here’s the harsh truth, Ethan‑style: If a woman is deeply in love with her boyfriend, and you’ve known her for a long time, and she still doesn’t see you as romantic potential… it’s because she doesn’t feel attracted to you. Not because you’re short, or not ripped, or not rich but because you show up as an emotional sponge, not a romantic contender. Attraction is built through confidence and energy, not wishfulness.

He can absolutely turn his life around but not with the mindset he’s carrying right now. The fix isn’t gym memberships or tactics those help, but they’re not the core. The real change starts when he stops being the victim in his own story and decides to build a life where he feels powerful, capable, attractive, and proud. Women don’t want “not a bad option” they want a man who wants himself. Until he shifts that, no advice in the world will get him the girl, or any girl, long‑term.

[Tara]

No woman is going to believe you’re worth choosing until you do. It’s easier to assume every woman wants someone “better” than to confront the fact that you’re hiding behind insecurity like it’s a personality trait. Women don’t reject you because you’re a “nice guy.” They reject you because you show up apologising for your existence, waiting for approval, and broadcasting insecurity so loudly it suffocates any attraction before it starts. Confidence isn’t a gift; you wait for it’s a discipline you build. You want a fix? Stop comparing yourself to imaginary competitors, stop fishing for reassurance, and start acting like a man who believes he brings value. Improve your life, your habits, your boundaries, and your standards. “Nice guys finish last” because they confuse passivity with kindness and self-pity with humility. Drop the victim mindset.

[Sally]

It sneaks up on you, especially when you’ve been knocked down a few times. But here’s the thing most guys don’t realize confidence isn’t some big dramatic moment. It’s built in tiny, boring ways. Showing up for yourself. Keeping promises to yourself. Letting yourself take up space without apologizing for it.

And honestly, women don’t fall for “perfect.” They fall for someone who’s steady, present, and real. You already have good things about you… you just don’t trust them yet.
Start small. Let yourself like who you are in little moments. It grows from there, even if it’s slow.
You’re not as far off as you think.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re carrying a heavy mix of longing and confusion, and that makes total sense, you’ve built a close bond with someone who already chose someone else, and your heart keeps replaying “what if.” Reading this, I hear two things loud and clear: you genuinely admire and care for her, and you’re stuck in a loop of inaction and what-ifs that’s slowly eating at your self-worth. That combination creates a painful, stagnant place where hope and frustration live side-by-side.

April’s blunt “men and women can’t be friends” line is provocative on purpose, but it’s not the whole truth. Friendship absolutely exists between men and women until one person’s feelings become romantic and unreciprocated; then the dynamic changes. Your situation isn’t about morality or villainy, it’s about boundaries: staying close as “just friends” while secretly hoping for more is what corrodes both your peace and the friendship’s authenticity. Right now you’re paying the emotional price for being both “friend” and secret suitor.

So let’s be practical. First decide what you want: (A) compete for her with integrity or (B) step back and heal. If A, start by becoming unmistakably desirable: expand your life (friends, activities, visible strengths), limit availability so you’re not the default option, and show leadership and confidence in subtle ways. Don’t try to sabotage her relationship that’ll backfire but increase your social value so she can see you in a different light. If B, deliberately create distance, channel your energy into growth (work, hobbies, fitness), and date other people nothing shifts another person’s feelings faster than seeing you live well without them.

Build self-worth that isn’t tied to her answer. Practice small wins (say yes to a new activity, finish a project, ask someone else out), and remind yourself that being vulnerable was brave not wrong. Give this a three-month experiment window: act with intention, track how you feel, and then decide. You’re not broken; you’re human and with clearer boundaries and purposeful action, you’ll either win her honestly or free yourself to meet someone who chooses you from the start.

[Member]

Posts