[Anonymous]

Hi.

My situation is as follows:

I am 23 years old, and have never had a girlfriend. I count some 6-7 rejections in my resume, despite the fact that I am not ugly.

Currently I am in college, and there is a girl from another class that has really caught my eye, and I’d love to be able to strike up a conversation with her.

The problem is, where I live, it’s not common at all to strike up these kinds of conversations out of nowhere. You usually need a mutual friend, and you meet when you both happen to be at the same place as him at the same time. I’ve asked a couple of these friends, but they both refused to help.

But my problem is, altough I know I am supposed to overcome these inhibitions and just say Hi, and then try and talk about her school life, her interests, etc, even presuming she doesn’t reject me outright because she doesn’t talk to “strangers”, or doesn’t like my looks, tone of voice, body language, etc, presuming she actually thinks “Ok new guy, show me what you got”, I fear I have none of what people call Game. Some guys have a way of charming women, some guys don’t, and I believe to be in the latter category.

What do you believe should I do to try and improve my approach, and to try and advance a normal conversation into an invitation for lunch or coffee, and then move on from there?

Thank you.

[Ask April Masini]

Wow, do I have the answer for you! 🙂

You should download my book for men called Date Out of Your League, here. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] I wrote this book specifically for guys just like you — who want a woman, but don’t know how to get her. It’s an easy read, and if you download it tonight, you can finish it this weekend, and be ready to roll on Monday! The answer to your question is completely contained in this book. 😀

Until you get the book, what I can tell you in brief, is that women go for men who are confident, successful, funny, handsome — and any combination of the above. So the first thing you have to do in order to attract this one woman — or any woman — is to cultivate those facets in yourself. That you describe yourself as “not ugly,” is a start — I happen to bet you’re more than just “not ugly”. In fact, I bet you’re really good looking. If there’s a way you can believe that, and feel that you have something to offer women in the way of your looks (or your confidence, your intelligence, your sense of humor, your sense of fun, your ability to be intimate — whatever it is) you’re going to be much more likely to catch her eye and capture her attention.

I’d also encourage you to adopt what I call the Numbers Game in dating whereby the more often you date, the more likely you are to hit that home run with a woman. Six to seven rejections at your age are really not many at all — in fact even if you waited until you were 18 to start dating, that’s only one rejection a year! I’d like to see you attempting to flirt with, and try dating that many women a month! That way you’d not only practice flirting and dating and become more confident by actually doing the work, but you’ll most definitely get some wins, too, and you may actually do some rejecting, which is also a good experience to have under your belt.

And lastly, I’d like you to look at rejection differently than I think you have been. Rejection doesn’t have to be something you fear. Instead, rejection can be seen as I see it: a gift. If a woman rejects you (or if you reject her), she’s saving you both time that could be spent on finding someone who’s really the right woman for you. Relationships are dependent on having two people who both want the same thing at the same time. If she isn’t interested, and she leads you on, or strings you along, she’s ultimately wasting your time, and creating a false sense of your having a chance with her. Learn to say, “Next!” when a relationship doesn’t work out, and take a rejection for what it is — a time saver.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go!

[Anonymous]

Hi. I thank you for your comments. I haven’t made an approach yet. I plan on mustering up courage to try it next week. But there are a couple of things I wanted to submit for your thought beforehand.

First, I know I can try and do confident, and I know I can do funny. But successful will be harder. See, I am a middle-class guy. Comfortable life, but no luxury. And the college I attend is RIDDEN with upper-class guys, with rich businessmen parents. In terms of comparison, I’ll always be at a disadvantage there. Is there a way to counteract this?

Second, my social universe is basically college. If I flirt with a lot of women in that same universe, won’t they start gossiping to each other about me (it’s not that big a place), making me appear desperate, and therefore less attractive? Shouldn’t I try and expand my universe first?

Finally, I have tried to chat before. Last year I took a trip abroad, and twice I managed to approach and strike a conversation with girls. Only I did not know, or had the courage to, move beyond small talk. It was a mix of lack of knowledge and fear of what would happen if I tried something. What sort of things could I have done? What signs should I be looking for?

Thank you.

[Ask April Masini]

Good questions! 🙂

First of all, when someone is feeling a lack of confidence, I advise that they focus on what they are good at. For example, since you say you’re a middle class guy in a sea of other rich men, don’t try and compete there. However do emphasis your charm, your sense of humor, and your good looks — or whatever you have going for you that you do feel is an asset. If you’ve got really skinny legs, but great eyes, wear trousers to cover the skinny legs, and make sure your shirt is a color that plays up your eyes! Also, understand that everybody in the whole world has this same problem you’re describing. There is always someone richer, funnier or taller — and if every guy tried to be the richest, funniest and tallest — before he felt confident enough to ask a woman out, no woman would ever have a date! 😆 So play up your assets, and let go of what you think are deficits.

Also, take your head out of your own life, and look around you: Women have this problem, too. Many, many, many (did I say many? 😉 ) women feel that their breasts aren’t big enough for a guy’s likes, or their skin isn’t perfect enough for some man to appreciate, or they’ll never get a guy because they don’t know how to flirt as well as someone else. So relax. Your problems aren’t that unusual. They’re pretty universal.

As for girls gossiping if you’re flirting, jeez, if you worried about every comment every person made about you, you’d spend all your time on that! People talk — they always have and they always will. Forget it. You focus on your goal, and don’t worry about gossip. Gossip never got anyone anywhere good. Your universe is fine the way it is. You don’t need to expand it to avoid gossip — if anything, make it smaller to rule out the gossips in your life!

As for chatting, small talk is an art, and the more you do, the better you’ll get. Understand that both you — and the woman you’re chatting up — will make some bloopers, but that’s okay because you’re both human. The key about small talk is to stay focused. Start conversation based on mutual interest — whether it’s a sandwich you’re both eating at the school cafeteria, or a class you’re taking or took, or the weather. If you stay in the moment, instead of letting your mind wander to all the mistakes you’re probably making, wondering if she likes you, hoping your fly isn’t unzipped, etc., you’re not going to be making small talk — you’re going to be nervous first and foremost and focusing on the woman you’re talking to, last.

I hope that helps — GOOD LUCK!!

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