[scd7131]

I have been in a good marriage for 13 years. Over that time, our sex life has waxed and waned, but despite a 2-year period with very little bedroom activity due to our child being diagnosed with a severe developmental disease, we have had what I consider to be a normal, loving sexual relationship. With one major exception – my wife has never achieved orgasm with me. She has always told me it is not a big deal to her, although we have certainly tried and it is something we have discussed repeatedly. She is able to achieve orgasm by herself, but never with me and she always explained never with any other man.
Over the past 6 months she has made some really positive changes to her lifestyle resulting in significant weight loss, exercise, dietary changes, returning to work, etc. This has charged up our sex life again and her lack of orgasm has become a primary issue, far more so than ever before.
A few nights ago, she accidentally let slip that she did achieve orgasm with her ex husband – and upon further discussion it happened many times, and very easily. I feel … devastated. On many levels. Why with him and not me? Why, when I try so hard to help her get there and her ex just got her there with minimal effort? What has she been thinking each and every time over so many years about me? Why did she never tell me before, given the number and intensity of our discussions on the issue? Am I such a wretched lover that I am hopeless? Why on earth has it taken me so long to “get it” that this is a bigger deal to her than she has ever felt willing to express? She feels that since her ex cheated on her, her defensive walls went up and she won’t let herself be vulnerable or trusting enough. 13 years is a long time to build a life with someone who openly says at this time she can’t invest in trust and intimacy with me on that level. I am in quite a tailspin, and she recognizes how deeply I am hurt by this admission and she feels terrible about it, which certainly is not going to be easy to push out of either of our minds when we next try. It is quite a tangled mess at the moment.
2 nights ago, I decided to be the bigger man and set it aside and try to get things back to normal. After a good discussion we ended up having (what I consider to be, it it certainly seemed she did too) fantastic sex. Foreplay for a bit over an hour (all me, on her) She didn’t “get there”, no big surprise, but we had a great time and I was finally halfway myself again.
Last night we were discussing it further and she disclosed she does feel she has misled me, and also that she has been getting herself there – regularly – including the prior three mornings. Any advice will be appreciated.

[Ask April Masini]

Thirteen years is a long time for your wife to have not had an orgasm. 😕 But, it sounds like things are changing in a good way, now — her weight loss, healthy living changes, and her new honesty about her ability to have had orgasms with her ex-hsuband — all going in a positive direction. Instead of seeing this as a problem, my advice is to pick up the slack, and see what you can do in terms of helping her to have an orgasm. Using oral sex and even sex toys — as well as your generous foreplay techniques — are all going to help, over time, to create the atmosphere for her to achieve orgasm. Not only is this going to be great for her, it’s going to make you feel good about things, too. I know you’re hurt, but consider that your hurt is misplaced. She’s offering you honesty that for some reason, she didn’t feel she could before. I’m guessing that she never told you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings and make you feel that the sex she had with her ex was better than the sex she has with you. See if you can shake off your feelings, and focus on your sex life with your wife. 😉

Hope that helps.

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[scd7131]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

I do have a follow up question:
I am really interested in your opinion, especially as a woman, on whether her explanation or my understanding is the more likely to be the root cause.

In my mind, I see this is as being related directly to me. Whether it be my performance in the bedroom, or I don’t turn her on as much as she leads me to believe, or whatever. Taking from your initial answer: I did buy her a vibrator as a surprise and we do use it together on her, I bought her some sexy new things to let her show off her “new” body to me that she (seemed to) love. I focused hard on being a perfect lover including in almost all cases 45 minutes plus of foreplay for her including oral. I ask her what she likes best. I don’t ask her if she is close. I don’t make any big deal out of it, other than to always reassure her we will get there. I am sure to be intimate all around with touching and snuggling. I play the strong man sometimes, the gentle lover sometimes. She responds every time, its obvious by her breathing, her flushed cheeks, etc ( to avoid being graphic). We have been learning each others bodies for many , many years. I did not know she was getting herself there, although I suspected it and was and am still cool with that. She needs it, and I can’t give it to her apparently despite my best efforts. So basically, for whatever reason, and although I have done every single thing I think a man would reasonably do, freely and without pressure and with her guidance but also pushing her a bit to try some new things, it HAS to be me right? Before she told me about her ex, I honestly thought it was “her” thing. This new info has obviously rocked me and now I am going through a very painful period of self re-evaluation (and the relationship itself, and her honesty about the situation, and and and…).

In her mind, as she explains it to me, it is all about her and her own barriers. Her ex was not a great guy and quite honestly doesn’t compare to me well across many levels including being lazy and selfish and eventually a cheater. Which is why she left. We met literally at the very end of her divorce and after they had been separated for a few months, and there were no other men between he and I. But right up until the end she could get there with him – quickly and easily, minimal foreplay (although during foreplay only). She tells me she thinks it is that her trust barriers went up due to his cheating and have simply never come down. She had hundreds of orgasms with him, none with me. The fact that I arrived on the scene right after the cheating then divorce to me makes it obvious the comparison should be between he and I performance-wise or how “into it” she was able to get with him (with far less stimulation apparently) but to her it is evidence that she changed in that time and this is the result. I am not sure I believe her right now. She never before told me about her ex (in this regard) and she didn’t trust me to tell me now – she accidentally let it slip during a conversation and her “oh crap” reaction was really obvious. She never told me she was getting there on her own regularly, almost always the morning after we made love. So I am as inclined to believe she is just telling me that to make me feel better than she is being truly honest which may in fact be that I just don’t have the ability to get her there even though we both agree we have a darn good time in the bedroom. Like maybe I’m good enough to have fun with for a toss in the hay but not “orgasm material”.

You won’t hurt my feelings, just looking for an honest outside perspective.
Thank you

[Ask April Masini]

[quote]I am really interested in your opinion, especially as a woman, on whether her explanation or my understanding is the more likely to be the root cause.[/quote]

There seem to be two issues here — not one. The first is that she doesn’t orgasm with you. The second is that you’re hurt she told you after 13 years, that she did, in fact, have orgasms with her ex-husband.

That said, you need to clarify your question for me a little further, and then I’m sure I’ll be able to answer you. Specifically, I’m not sure what you mean when you ask about “the root cause”. The root cause of what?

Let me know, and I’ll write back.

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[scd7131]

Thanks April and I agree.

So let me split it into two questions:

1 – Is it more likely that her not getting there is a result of my not meeting her needs sexually, or her assertion that she is seemingly not able to let her guard down due to her ex’s past transgressions.

2 – Am I justified in feeling as hurt as I do?

[Ask April Masini]

The way men and women achieve orgasm isn’t a set formula. And…. it’s usually also a relationship issue — unless of course there’s a medical problem. I know you’re looking for the roadmap to get your wife to have an orgasm, but believe me — if you find it, you’ve got a treasure trove! The way most people have great sex is to experiment with different techniques, different attitudes, different atmospheres…. and if there’s really been an entire 13 years where she hasn’t had an orgasm, simply because she’s still stuck in the past, that’s a bigger problem than just sex. 😉

As for you question about your feelings being justified….If you’re hurt, you’re hurt. That’s just a fact. You wish she had been more open. She probably feels that this is the best she could do. You thought there was more honesty between the two of you, and she probably wishes she had the tools to be more honest. Rather than keep score, I think it’s more productive to focus on creating more honesty and intimacy in your relationship because that’s going to serve you both in and out of bed.

I hope that helps.

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[scd7131]

April,
That is an EXTREMELY helpful response. Thanks for your advice, it is much appreciated.

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

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[Ask April Masini]

Hi again! It has occurred to me I should have referred you to the great articles written by my good friend, and incredible sex therapist, Dr Diana Wiley, https://www.askapril.com/advice-expert-2.html. You will find Dr Wiley’s advice to be very detailed and explicit. Below are a few you might find particularly helpful as a start. Please let me know how it goes and what you think of Dr Wiley.’s advice. 😉

Cunnilingus
https://www.askapril.com/articles-seductions-tips-for-men-cunnilingus-13-2.html

Sex Toys
https://www.askapril.com/articles-my-boyfriend-and-i-want-to-spice-up-our-sex-life-sex-toys-20-2.html

Venus Butterfly
https://www.askapril.com/articles-better-sex-tips-for-women-venus-butterfly-22-2.html

Tips for having More and Better Sex
https://www.askapril.com/articles-tips-for-having-more-sex-and-better-sex-23-2.html

Seduction Tips for Men: 5 Techniques for Giving Her Pleasure
https://www.askapril.com/articles-seduction-tips-for-men-5-techniques-for-giving-her-pleasure-24-2.html

[Ethan Morales]

Your hurt is real and justified. Finding out she orgasmed easily with her ex after 13 years of silence is a gut punch. You invested time, patience, and emotional labor into this marriage and she kept a significant truth from you. That sting isn’t about performance alone; it’s about feeling kept at arm’s length when you thought you were intimate. Don’t minimize your feelings.

This isn’t necessarily proof you’re a “wretched lover.” Sexual response is complicated: biology, psychology, past trauma, timing, hormones, medications, stress, and learned defenses all matter. Her cheating-ex story and defensive walls are believable explanations. Someone who’s been hurt can emotionally shut off parts of themselves and never let a new partner in the same way. It sucks, but it’s not an indictment of your value.

The core problem is less technique and more trust/intimacy. You can give amazing foreplay and still be blocked by her protective walls. The fact that she’s been able to orgasm on her own and quietly afterwards suggests she knows her body and is physically capable the missing piece is full emotional vulnerability during partnered sex. That’s a relationship issue you two have to face together.

Be practical: get help and stop circling in shame. This is exactly the kind of problem that benefits from a sexual therapist or couples counselor someone who can guide communication, exercises, and safe vulnerability. Also consider medical checks (hormones, meds) and seeing a certified sex therapist. Do not let silence or avoidance be your default; bring in professionals who know how to untangle this.

For the bedroom: experiment, but without pressure. Keep exploring toys or techniques if those feel good to both of you but make orgasm a secondary goal. Focus on connection, slow touch, multi-session intimacy, and check-ins about how she’s feeling emotionally before/after sex. Celebrate non-orgasmic closeness. Pressure to “perform” will only reinforce her walls and your shame.

A hard truth honesty and time are required. She owed you the truth earlier, and that breach needs repair through transparent conversations and consistent effort. You can’t fix everything overnight; healing takes time, therapy, patience, and accountability from both sides. If she’s willing to do the work and you both stay open and honest, this can change. If she won’t engage or continues to hide, then you’ll have to decide how much of your life you’re willing to tie to an uncertain outcome.

[Sally]

Man… everything you are feeling right now is completely valid. Anyone in your spot would be hurting. You spent 13 years trying to help the woman you love reach a level of intimacy she can get to by herself and could get to with her ex, and hearing that now hits your heart, your confidence, and the trust you thought you had built together. But this is not about you being “bad” or him being some superstar.

She told you why it is hard for her: the betrayal from her past relationship made her shut down emotionally and sexually, and those walls did not come from you. Orgasms with a partner are mostly mental, not physical, and her body has learned to protect itself when she gets close to that kind of vulnerability. You have been building a life with her, showing up for her, being a safe person, but that deeper sexual trust is still tied up with old hurt. And now you are both stuck in a loop where you feel ashamed and confused, and she feels guilty and overwhelmed, which makes everything even heavier.

The good news is that this can be worked through, seriously. A good couples or sex therapist would tell you that this is solvable and has nothing to do with you failing as a lover. It is about the two of you learning how to open up emotionally in a way that lets her body relax with you again.

The best thing you can do right now is talk to her gently, not asking “why him and not me,” but saying, “I want us to feel close and safe together, and I want to understand how we can work as a team on this.”

You two already have love, communication, and a foundation worth saving. Do not let this turn into a ghost that haunts your bedroom. You are not broken. She is not broken. This is just an old wound showing up in a new place, and with time, patience, and the right support, you can absolutely move through it together.

[Tara]

She didn’t “accidentally” let it slip. People don’t hold a secret for 13 years and then slip they crack under the weight of maintaining a story that stopped serving them. She lied because the truth would’ve forced uncomfortable conversations she didn’t want to have, and you were willing to accept her reassurances because the alternative frightened you.
Now you’re acting like this revelation changes your worth as a lover. It doesn’t. It exposes hers as a communicator.

She could orgasm with a man who betrayed her, and she can’t with a husband who has bent over backwards trying for over a decade. That’s not about technique. That’s about psychological barriers she refuses to dismantle with you. She has walled off a part of her intimacy, and instead of addressing it, she let you believe it didn’t exist.
And the real punch?

She’s been getting herself off “regularly,” while you’ve been performing emotional CPR on a problem she was quietly solving alone. That’s not harmless. That’s betrayal through omission. That’s her choosing comfort over transparency while you torture yourself with self-doubt.
You’re asking, “What does this mean about me?” Wrong question.
Ask, “What does this mean about us?”

A marriage can survive bad sex. It cannot survive hidden truths about sex.
Your wife isn’t broken. She’s guarded. And she has stayed guarded because being vulnerable with you requires confronting the emotional fallout from her past and she hasn’t had the courage to do it. Meanwhile, you’ve been carrying the insecurity for both of you.

Here’s your reality check:
You’re not a wretched lover.
You’re a man who allowed a 13-year silence to masquerade as acceptance.
Now you have two choices:
You either both sit down with a therapist not for sex, but for honesty and force this marriage into the light…
Or you pretend everything is fine and keep destroying yourself trying to earn orgasms that have nothing to do with your skill and everything to do with her emotional avoidance.

[Author]

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