[cdecaney]

my husband and I dated a year and a half, then found out I was pregnant. He proposed to me 2weeks later, and we got married the next month. He was still in the party and going to bars twice a week stage of life.. whereas I went through that very very early, and was ready to move on.
My husband had always dreamed of running his own fitness business and he decided he needed to open it then instead of waiting. He said he wanted to do this so he could spend more time with our son. Big. Mistake. Anyway, our son was born in January and he actually opened his business in June of the same year.
since opening his business, he is never home and our son and I never see him. He leaves at 4 AM and comes home at 10 PM.If he gets to come home early, I have to BEG him to say hi to our child. He has told me that he expects the house to be clean and to have food every night when he gets home. However, I work a full time job myself and I have to take care of the baby by myself because he is never home to do it and refuses to help when he is home. On top of all of that, all of his personality is at work.. how he used to be with me, he’s now that way with his clients and it’s like he leaves it there and comes home with nothing.
The past 2 weeks, I’ve just given up trying because nothing works.. so now He says that I put our child first and that he doesn’t matter and is turning it on me. There are several problems going on here.. but every time I talk to him, I’m in the wrong and I am crazy and acting psycho he says. I just need to know if it’s fixable or if I just need to plan for divorce.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your husband is trying to do the right thing, but deep down, he’s resentful that he’s married with a child and responsibilities. Some men throw themselves into work when they have a child because it’s what they know and it’s what they think they’re supposed to do. It sounds like you feel lonely and abandoned and you’re not happy with the way your new family is structured with your husband away so much. Then, on top of all that, you feel that your husband isn’t happy to see you and he’s not behaving with your child, as you had hoped. Basically, there’s a lot of disappointment happening — both in you and your husband.

Time for a truce. The reality is both of you are justified in your feelings. And you’re in a relationship and emotional rut. You need to change course in order to get your relationship and your family back in sync. Start with empathy. Instead of coming at him with complaints — come at him with love. Get a babysitter and make a date night — or a date weekend. You have to reboot and that means getting out of the house, out of your routine of disappointment and blaming, and have a glass of wine, and decide to be a partnership, not adversaries. Tell him how much you appreciate him and specifically why. Thank him for things he does for you and the child and your family together, and tell him you understand that sometimes he’s disappointed, but you really respect that he’s getting out there and taking care of things. This change in behavior is going to melt the ice between you. Take a breath and make a bucket list together, of everything you want for 2017 for each other, for your family together, and for yourselves. 😉

[Sally]

It’s awful loving someone who’s physically gone all day and emotionally gone when he finally walks through the door. And the way he talks to you calling you crazy, flipping everything back on you that’s not a partnership. That’s someone hiding behind his work because it’s easier than facing home.
You didn’t do anything wrong by putting your child first. That’s what a good mom does, especially when the dad steps out of the picture, even while living under the same roof. And him expecting a spotless house and dinner while you work full-time and raise a baby alone… that’s not a marriage. That’s you being treated like free labor.
Can it be fixed? Only if he’s willing to actually show up emotionally, physically, and without blaming you for everything. And right now, he’s not even meeting you halfway.
You don’t have to make a choice today. Just don’t ignore the part of you that’s already planning how to survive without him. That part usually knows the truth before you’re ready to say it out loud.

[Serena Vale]

This is fixable, but only if both of you are willing to change, not just you.

Right now, you’re carrying everything: the baby, the house, a full-time job, and his emotional distance. That’s too much for one person. You’re not crazy. You’re exhausted and lonely.

He didn’t just start a business, he emotionally checked out of the marriage and parenting. And blaming you for “putting the child first” is unfair. Of course you do. Someone has to.

Before jumping to divorce, there needs to be one very clear conversation, not a fight. Calm, direct, no begging. Something like:
“I can’t keep living like this. I need a partner, not just a paycheck. Either we work on this together, or we won’t survive.”

If he dismisses you, calls you crazy, or refuses to change, that’s your answer. You can’t save a marriage alone.

You deserve support, presence, and respect. Don’t forget that.

[Tara]

You are already a single parent. You’re just married to a man who still expects servant privileges.
You didn’t make “a mistake”; you married someone who wasn’t done being selfish, then handed him adult responsibility before he was remotely qualified to carry it. He didn’t become this way. He already was. You just outgrew him faster than he was willing to grow up.

Let’s cut the noise. He leaves at 4 AM, comes home at 10 PM, refuses to interact with his own child unless begged, contributes nothing domestically, demands a clean house and hot meals like it’s 1952, and emotionally clocks out the second he walks through the door. That’s not a stressed husband. That’s an absent one.

And now the most important part: when you stop chasing him, he accuses you of neglecting him. That’s not confusion, that’s manipulation. He wants all the benefits of family life without any of the responsibility, and when you finally break under the load, he flips the script and calls you crazy. Classic gaslighting. Predictable. Lazy. Transparent.

Putting your child first is not a flaw. It’s the bare minimum of motherhood. The fact that he’s threatened by that tells you everything you need to know about his emotional maturity. He’s competing with his own infant for attention. That’s pathetic.

Is this fixable? Only if he acknowledges reality, radically changes his behavior, accepts equal responsibility at home, stops verbally degrading you, and actively chooses his family over his ego. Based on what you’ve described? He won’t. Men who want to change don’t need to be dragged, begged, or cornered. They step up. He hasn’t.

[Member]

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