[stephigirl]

This Halloween, my husband Steve and I hosted a costume party for our friends. We had great time and everyone got home safely. With the exception of our friend Marc, who decided to use our guest room for the night. Marc is a very handsome and charming man that my husband had befriended before we met.
Anyway, I went to bed around 1 am while Steve entertained Marc and a few other friends. To make a long story short, I woke up around three am and noticed he hadn’t come to bed yet. I figured he was still hanging out with some guests and I went to get a glass of water from the kitchen.
As I was pouring the water I noticed two silhouettes in the back yard in an awkward arrangement. I went to the back door and looked out and saw Steve kneeling on a towel and performing oral sex on Marc!
I was flabbergasted! I felt numb and quickly went back to the bedroom. But as I lay in bed, I realized something, I was more turned on than angry! I had suggested having a threesome (w/ a man, I am not attracted to other women) and my husband said he was open to the idea, but when push came to shove, he would get cold feet, saying he would feel weird being in bed with another man. Although he had admitted being bi-curious.
I was picturing what I saw and was very turned on. My husband, wearing a “naughty nurse” costume (my idea! 😉 I was dressed as a male doctor), complete with stockings and white pumps was performing on Marc, in a pirate costume with very tight trousers and a lacy, puffy blouse that showed off his beautiful chest muscles. I had never seen such an erotic sight and returned to the den to get a better view out of the window.
The window was open slightly and I could hear Marc’s moans and my husband mumbling “mmmmm you taste so good” as if he were eating the tastiest dessert ever! Wow! He even let Marc finish in his mouth! Steve was a total slut! I don’t even do that!
After they finished, I crept back to the bedroom and decided I was going to accidentally ‘run into” him when he eventually went to the bathroom to clean up.
My plan almost worked perfectly, but they walked in together to use the restroom. When Steve walked in I pulled him close and gave him a huge kiss with a lot of tongue. He was mortified! I just said “mmmmm, you taste so good” mocking exactly what he said to Marc. Marc quickly turned around and went to his room.
I told Steve how much I had seen and that I was Ok with him doing that, but unhappy with the fact that he was doing it secretly and lying to me about his orientation.
Now here is my problem, I want in on this! Steve completely refuses to discuss this, saying that it “was the wine’s fault” and that he is not gay or bi, he just had a “lapse in judgement and was drunk.” What do I do? He is too put off by his sexual orientation to help me fulfill my biggest fantasy!

[Ask April Masini]

If the only problem you have with what you saw is that you want in on a menage a trois with your husband and his good friend, then I’ll ignore the fact that your marriage is in trouble because you are not enough for your husband — he wants sex outside of the marriage, and he’s got an interest in men, which you will never be able to satisfy because you’re a woman, I’ll (try to) address your question as you posed it. 🙄

Since you’ve already confronted your husband about his performing oral sex on his friend, Marc, and you told him that you want in on the action, his answer was pretty clear. He gave you a thumbs down. It’s not happening. Not only is he not interested in letting you in on his sex on the side, but he doesn’t want to talk about it with you, [i]and[/i], what is of most concern, is that he is blaming his sexual behavior with another man on having drunk too much wine, rather than admitting he enjoyed himself when he was having sex with his friend.

So, no, you’re out of luck in this instance. There is no conflict here for you. Just rejection.

Sorry. I hope that helps! 🙂

[stephigirl]

Thank you April. We had a long talk about this last night and Steve revealed to me that he still has a lot of hang-ups about his bisexuality. They mostly stem from his religious upbringing and the ultra-conservative bigoted “values” that are often ingrained in children who are brainwashed to believe that god somehow hates homosexuality.
His main fear is being “found out” by his family. He acknowledged this is an irrational fear because none of his family live within 1000 miles of us. And since most of our friends are open minded people, they would have no problem with his sexuality.
We plan on talking about this a lot more and he seemed relieved to finally discuss his fears and anxieties regarding his sexuality.
After that, I made him tell me all about his experience with Marc. It was his first time with a man and he loved it. I got so turned on hearing him tell me what happened. It turns out he and Marc had been secretly flirtatious for years and never acted on it.
I am not intimidated by the fact that Steve likes men too and wants sex with men. He really wants to find a “boyfriend” for us to share. And I wouldn’t mind him having sex with men without me. I am secure in knowing that he is attracted to me and wants no emotional relationship with a man.
Thank you for your help!

[Ask April Masini]

Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

[stephigirl]

Hello, I just saw this, as I rarely check the email address that I used to register, so I missed the notification.
Things are going wonderfully. My husband is out of the closet and so much happier. He keeps a boyfriend on the side, and it has made our marriage stronger. His boyfriend is very sweet (and very handsome, I might add), I adore him.
The new arrangement took some getting used to, but he loves me and I am his #1 priority always.

[Ask April Masini]

Great! 🙂

[Sally]

That’s a lot to walk in on, and it makes sense that you’re feeling two things at once — shocked and turned on. Both can be true.
Here’s the part that matters most though. The biggest issue isn’t the fantasy. It’s the secrecy. You didn’t consent to being left out or lied to, and that’s what broke the trust. Even if he was drunk, it still happened, and brushing it off doesn’t make it disappear.

Right now, he sounds scared. Not of you of himself. A lot of people panic after crossing a line they didn’t think they would, and denial is the fastest way they cope. Pushing him to jump straight into your fantasy will probably make him shut down harder.

If you want any chance of exploring this together, the first step isn’t sex. It’s safety. Calm conversations. Letting him talk without labels or pressure. And being honest that secrecy can’t happen again.
You’re not wrong for wanting more honesty. Just don’t rush him faster than he can face himself.

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