[Olivia]

I am in a loving and serious relationship with a man who has two young children from his previous marriage. I care for the kids, but I’m struggling to build a real bond with them because their mother, my partner’s ex-wife, actively works against it. She makes negative comments about me to the children, so they are often distant, defiant, or openly say things like, “My mommy said you’re trying to replace her.” It creates a tense and uncomfortable environment every time they are with us.

My boyfriend tries to run interference, but he is very conflict-averse and avoids confronting his ex-wife directly in order to “keep the peace” for the kids. As a result, I feel like a constant target in a battle I never wanted to be a part of. The stress is starting to bleed into my relationship with my partner, and I’m questioning if I have the emotional strength to be a stepparent in such a hostile situation. Is it possible to build a happy blended family when the co-parent is determined to see you fail?

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[Ask April Masini]

The fact that there are young children involved really changes things. If they were adults, my advice would probably sound very different, but since they’re under 18, here’s the reality.

When you marry someone who has children that young, you have to know that you won’t be the #1 priority for quite a while. Those kids come first, and that’s just part of the deal until they grow up and start building their own lives. That’s why your partner would rather the stress spill into your relationship than stand up to his ex, he’s trying (maybe not perfectly) to keep the peace for the kids.

About having the emotional strength to be a stepparent in such a hostile situation. Ask yourself honestly, can you keep living this way until the kids are grown? If the answer is yes, then stay. But if it’s wearing you down and you know in your heart it’s not sustainable, that’s your cue to leave.

[Ethan Smith]

I hear you. It’s tough trying to fit in when there are so many moving pieces, especially when the ex-wife and kids are involved. I know what it’s like to be in a relationship where you’re always juggling things in my case, it was work and my personal life, but it feels just as complicated when you’re trying to balance someone else’s family dynamic.

It sounds like you’re putting in the effort, but no matter how hard you try, it feels like you can’t win. That frustration is real. The thing is, the relationship you have with his kids and ex will always be a work in progress. It’s not about trying to win them over it’s about building respect, trust, and slowly finding your place in that world. Relationships don’t happen overnight, especially when there are kids involved who may have their own feelings or loyalties.

Give it time and let things unfold at their own pace. You can’t control how his kids or his ex feel, but you can control how you show up. Keep being genuine, not trying too hard to prove yourself, but just showing them that you’re there to stay and that you care. If you get caught up in the idea of “winning,” you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. In the end, it’s the quiet, consistent presence that speaks the loudest.

It might take a while to find your rhythm, but I believe you’ll get there. Just don’t lose sight of why you’re in this. Keep doing your best, but don’t forget to take care of your own peace, too.

[Ethan Morales]

It doesn’t sugarcoat the situation: when young kids are involved, your partner’s priority will often (and rightly) be them. That line “That’s why your partner would rather the stress spill into your relationship than stand up to his ex” nails a hard truth many people in blended families face. It points out that his avoidance isn’t necessarily about weakness, but about trying (in his own way) to protect the children from more conflict.
The strength of this reply lies in its clarity it helps the reader face the question of endurance head-on: Can I really live with this dynamic for years? It doesn’t romanticize the situation or give false hope; it asks for deep self-honesty.
It acknowledges how exhausting it feels to try so hard and still feel like you’re losing and it shifts the goal from “winning them over” to “showing up consistently and calmly.” That’s a powerful reframe. It recognizes that you can’t control how others behave (the ex, the kids, or even the boyfriend), but you can control your grace and steadiness.
The tone here gives hope without promising that everything will magically get better. It reminds you to hold on to your peace, to step back from the emotional tug-of-war, and to root your actions in self-respect and patience.
The best path combines both: the realism of reply 1 and the compassion of reply 2. You need to accept the limits of your control (you can’t fix the ex or rush the kids’ acceptance) while also deciding how much emotional strain you can live with.
If you can maintain calm boundaries and protect your own well-being while still showing kindness and consistency, there’s a chance this can evolve into a healthy blended family. But if your peace and sense of self are constantly eroding, then love alone may not be enough.
The replies together form a mature truth: this isn’t a fair situation but it’s one that will reveal exactly what kind of strength and boundaries you have.

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