[angie in wonderland]

so ok. let me start out by saying that im in a relationship with a “man” that has me paying for all of OUR bills. he recently got a job and still continues to make ME pay them. were very disfunctional. i truley love him though. we’ve been together five years. i have strong suspicions of infedelity. in march i moved 3 hours away from him, and i havent seen him in a bout a month. we dont talk on the phone. mostly because he doesnt answer when i call. he doesnt respond to texts either. i meet a man through my mom. he’s a co-worker of hers. we’ve gone out a few times and we have a really good time together. over the course of our friendship he’s made some comments that suggest that he is in for more than just a friendship. he knows about my asshole of a boyfriend. my mother loves talking about how much of a dumbass my boyfriend is. i like the new guy too. he’s the total opposite of me and i like it. everythings going great. my mom likes him. i like him. theres only one problem. he’s married. he’s unhappily married. he and his wife are waiting for their son to get a little older before they get a divorce. but he’s married non the less. what exactly do i do about this? he’s married.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, don’t go out with the married man. He’s not available. He’s got a wife. Maybe children. If he’s unhappy that’s his problem. Don’t make it yours. I’d also be very wary of your mother’s advice if she has anything to do with setting you up with this guy.

Second, why are you still calling this guy you’re supposedly in a relationship with, your boyfriend? Why would you put up with someone who doesn’t pay for his share of things let alone treat you? Why would you ever put up with someone who doesn’t take your calls or return your text messages?

Third, try and figure out why you’re choosing men who are just not available to be healthy partners to you. You’re rationalizing that this married guy is okay because he’s unhappy. You’re still calling the guy you moved three hours away from, who doesn’t treat you well, your boyfriend.

Without knowing you, I sincerely bet that you are worth a lot more than what you’re allowing for yourself. Until you see yourself as worth a lot more than you’ve been getting, you’re probably going to repeat your pattern of choosing bad boyfriends. I hope that you can find a way to value yourself. Because when you do, you’re going to start dating great guys, instead of unavailable ones.

[Ethan Morales]

Here’s my take on this situation: you’re in a really tough spot, and it sounds like you’re caught between two men who aren’t really “available” for you in a healthy way. That’s the core issue.

Your current boyfriend: Five years is a long time, but he’s clearly not contributing equally or emotionally. Not answering calls, not paying his share that’s not a partnership. Loving someone doesn’t excuse being treated poorly. You’re effectively carrying the entire relationship, and that’s not sustainable.

The married man: He’s unavailable. Even if he’s unhappy in his marriage, getting involved with him would create complications and likely heartbreak for everyone involved including you. Waiting for his life to “be ready” doesn’t make it okay for you to be the solution to his problems.

You’re drawn to men who aren’t fully available or who don’t treat you as you deserve. Recognizing this is key. You deserve a partner who is fully present, invested, and respectful someone you don’t have to fight for attention or financial fairness with.

Step back from both relationships and really assess what you want and deserve.Focus on yourself and your independence emotionally, financially, and socially. Avoid getting involved with unavailable men (married or distant/neglectful). Consider ending the relationship that’s draining you. It’s painful, but it will open space for a healthier connection in the future. At the heart of it, you need to prioritize your self-worth and well-being. Love is important, but it has to be mutual and respectful otherwise, it’s just hurting you.

[Serena Vale]

Okay, let’s call it what it is, you’re in a messy situation that’s giving you scraps of love instead of the real thing.

First, your boyfriend. You’re carrying the weight of everything, bills, emotions, effort, and he’s giving you silence and excuses. That’s not love, that’s emotional exhaustion dressed up as loyalty. You’ve been holding on for five years, but it sounds like he checked out a while ago. When someone won’t answer your calls, won’t make an effort, and still expects you to carry the load, they’ve already made a choice. They just don’t have the guts to say it out loud.

Now, about the new guy. I get it, he feels like fresh air after years of suffocating in your relationship. He listens, he makes you laugh, and your mom even likes him. But here’s the problem: he’s not actually available. Married is married, even if he says it’s “unhappy.” And trust me, that story almost always sounds the same, “we’re waiting,” “it’s complicated,” “I’m not happy.” You might mean a lot to him right now, but you’ll always be the woman waiting on someone else’s timeline.

So what do you do? You pull back. Take a deep breath and get honest with yourself about what you want. Because right now, neither man is fully giving it to you. One’s checked out, and the other’s not free. You deserve something clean. No guilt, no waiting, no half-love.

Start by closing the chapter with your current boyfriend, not half-heartedly, but for real. No one thrives when they’re constantly being drained. Then give yourself time to breathe before jumping into anything with someone else, especially someone who’s still tied to another person.

You don’t need to rush into another situation to escape a broken one. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do is just stand still, alone, until the noise clears.

[Serena Vale]

Let’s be real, this whole situation sounds exhausting. You’re out here holding everything together while the man who’s supposed to be your partner barely shows up. You’re paying the bills, doing the emotional heavy lifting, and still sitting there wondering if he’s being faithful. That’s not love, that’s survival.

And then comes this new guy, kind, funny, easy to talk to, probably makes you feel seen again after so long. It’s tempting, I get it. But he’s still married. Even if he says it’s unhappy, even if he swears they’re almost done, he’s not free. That means he can’t give you the kind of love you actually want. You’d always be waiting for him to finish a chapter he should’ve closed before ever pulling you in.

Here’s what I think: this is your sign to pause both situations. Don’t jump from one half-love to another. Take a breath and ask yourself what kind of peace you really want — because neither of these men are offering that. You’ve already proven you’re strong enough to take care of yourself. Imagine what your life could look like if you put that same energy into you.

You don’t need to be someone’s backup plan or caretaker. You just need to start choosing yourself. That’s where the real love starts.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re craving care, attention, and respect, and it’s painful to see that your current relationship isn’t giving you any of that. Your “boyfriend” isn’t showing up for you emotionally, financially, or physically, and yet you’ve stayed in it for five years. That pattern of staying with someone unavailable or unwilling to meet you halfway is really weighing on you, and it’s understandable why a new, attentive man feels like a breath of fresh air. But the fact that he’s married complicates everything. he isn’t actually available, no matter how great he seems. Pursuing him would only create more pain and heartache for everyone involved, including you.

What I see here is a bigger opportunity for you to honor yourself. You deserve someone who shows up fully financially, emotionally, and in every way without complicated barriers like distance or marital status. Walking away from your current relationship is the first step toward that. And while it’s tempting to get caught up in the excitement of someone new, it’s crucial to pause and focus on yourself, your value, and what you truly need in a partner. The best thing you can do right now is stop chasing unavailable people and start building a life and relationships that reflect your worth and your standards.

[Member]

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