[inesziou]

Hi! So I’ve been texting with this guy for 3 weeks now. He goes to my school, but is a year older. We have a lot in common and I’m really starting to like him, but I feel like I’m the only one making moves… From the start, I was the one who initiated the first conversation we had and I’m also the one who started every other convos. But when we text, he’s really into it, he asks me questions and it’s not a one sided conversation. Yesterday we talked face to face for the first time when we walked together after school and I really liked it. It was a little awkward (but it’s understandable, we had never talked face to face) but still nice and when we were saying goodbye, he opened his arms and hugged me… Does it mean that he likes me back or is he just really friendly and saw this as just two friends walking together? I haven’t talked to him since then and that’s why I’ve written all this… What now? Do I keep talking to him like before? Do I ask him if he wants to walk with me again? Should I go see him when we’re at school? I don’t know what to do and I need your help. I really don’t want to mess it up.

P.S. He’s known to be shy and kind of introverted

[Ask April Masini]

Three weeks isn’t really all that long in the scheme of things! I know you want things to move faster, but you’re both on different clocks. And he’s moving in the same direction you are by finally meeting up and hugging you at the end of the time together. 🙂 I think you have to work a little more on his time frame and expect him to take longer to get where you are. I’m sure there will be times down the road where those clocks reverse but for now, Stay busy, don’t focus too much on the relationship and enjoy what you have together rather than rush towards some artificial finish line. 😉

[inesziou]

Thank you, I’ll try to do that! 🙂 I understand that we’re not at the same place, but I feel like we’re always talking about the same things and it’s not going anywhere. I wanna stop the small talk and really get into deeper conversations with him but I don’t know how to do that. I don’t want to scare him off while talking about something too soon… Do you understand what I mean? I know that I need to see him more often for our realtion to grow, because nothing will happen if we only text all the time, but I don’t know what to do. At school, I feel way too much pressure (because of my friends) so where should I meet him?

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you both?

[inesziou]

He’s going to turn 17 this month and I’m going to turn 16 in July

[Ask April Masini]

Got it. You’re 15 and he’s 16. What kind of deeper things do you want to discuss, that you’re afraid he’s not open to?

[inesziou]

What I mean is that I feel like we only talk about insignificant things. Nothing that really matters. I want to be able to discuss my dreams and fear with him and not scare him off. I want to get to know him on a deeper level. Right now, our conversations only revolve around our day and what we did at school (the usual small talk) and at some point, we don’t know what to say anymore, so it kinds of end awkwardly. I want to that to stop, I want our conversation to get comfortable. I know that to get comfortable with him, we need to spend more time together, but the only moments we can see each other is at school and I feel way too much pressure from my friends to talk to him there.

[Ask April Masini]

It’s tough to have those conversations if you’re in a rut. You’re used to seeing each other at school and talking about classes and things that are surrounding you. Why not change the environment? Don’t expect those deeper conversations to happen at school because you’ve got a groove going there. But if you find yourself walking with him outside of school, that’s when you can change the conversation. The environment for anything — whether it’s a conversation, a date, a meeting or a family get together — is influenced by surroundings, so consider changing yours if you want to change the conversation.

Next, draw him out instead of launching into a monologue. Ask him questions about what he wants to do for the summer, after high school, in his life. Ask him if he sees himself staying in the town you’re in or if he sees himself a world traveler. Tell him you had a dream, where x, y and z happened. Get the conversation going by asking him about himself.

And lastly, be open minded. He may not be a deep thinker like you are, so don’t try to make him be something he’s not. Boyfriends don’t have to be your everything. They can be companionable — without being your soul mate. They can be a lot of fun, but you turn to your best friend to talk about this serious stuff. In other words, if he’s not the deep conversationalist you’re looking for, see if you can get those needs met with a friend or someone else and if you like spending time with him without those deep conversations, see if you’re okay with that, too.

Hope that helps!

[inesziou]

Thanks a lot April, I’ll try to do that 🙂 Now I need your opinion on something. Today, after school, I saw him sitting alone in the cafeteria and I sat with him. It was really awkward and really difficult to keep the conversation going. He asked me questions that he had asked me before (as if he didn’t listen the other times) and it felt like I was bothering him more than anything. What should I think of that? Does it mean that he lost interest in me? Is he just really shy and didn’t know what to say since he didn’t know I would talk to him? I’m just really tired of wondering wha the thinks of me and want to know so I’ll be able to move on if he doesn’t like me.

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you’re trying to force this to work. Instead of leaning in, lean back. Listen. Observe. See if there really is something between the two of you or not. It’s sounding like you had an initial attraction to him, but as you’re getting to know him, the two of you are not as compatible as you’d like, and you’re trying to force this to work instead of observing and deciding whether or not it will work.

You’re a little young for this advice, I think, but I typically tell people to use the first three months of dating someone (and you’re not there yet), to simply decide if they like the person enough to continue dating them. This slower time frame lets you get to know someone and simply decide if you’re interested in each other and compatible. When you pressure yourself into a relationship instead of examining the two of you together to see if you click over time, you’re jumping the gun. I’m hoping you can hang back and see what’s there — not how to fix things so early in the game. 😉

[Sally]

This actually sounds kind of sweet, not messy.
From what you described, this doesn’t feel one-sided in the way that matters. You’re starting the conversations, yes, but when you talk, he shows up. He asks questions, keeps it going, and chose to walk with you. And that hug? Shy, introverted guys don’t usually hug unless they feel comfortable and like you. That’s a good sign.

The awkwardness is normal. First real in-person moments almost always are. It doesn’t mean it went badly. It just means you’re both human.
My advice is don’t change what you’re doing. Keep talking to him like before. Say hi at school. If it feels natural, ask him to walk together again. Nothing dramatic. Simple and easy.

You won’t mess this up by being kind and consistent. If he likes you, that’ll make him feel safer, not scared.

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