[Moyerucsb]

So admittedly haven’t been in this relationship long and we’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. Anyways here is the situation. Over the course of our relationship we had an issue that came up and I went to her best friend and roommate for advice. Her friend and I had decided not to tell my girlfriend because w figured it would start a fight. The advice didnt pan out as planned and honestly in hindsight was a waste of time. Anyhow the gf figured out her and I spoke so I came clean on it. Due to that she began saying she didnt trust me and that im a liar. So she ended up going through my phone and email. Unbeknownst to me were some So admittedly haven’t been in this relationship long and we’ve been through a lot in a short amount of time. Anyways here is the situation. Over the course of our relationship we had an issue that came up and I went to her best friend and roommate for advice. Her friend and I had decided not to tell my girlfriend because w figured it would start a fight. The advice didnt pan out as planned and honestly in hindsight was a waste of time. Anyhow the gf figured out her and I spoke so I came clean on it. Due to that she began saying she didnt trust me and that im a liar. So she ended up going through my phone and email. Unbeknownst to me were some things I had in my email that werent good to find. I had sent myself pics from my phone to my email of me with another girl (girl was prior to relationship). As well as finding some profiles I had saved (was me being mad at the time but not going to get into it). To make matters worse I have a habit from the old motorola flip phone days of deleting all my texts. She thinks im hiding something, deleting stuff so she doesnt see it, lying to her, and possibly cheating or talking to other women.

Anyways, I am not cheating on her, not talking to anyone else and here I am thought of as a liar. She frustrates me at times as I know I do her as well but I love this woman and would do anything to for her. Im not excusing or condoning lying but the times ive done it was to avoid a fight. Ive nothing to hide from her but she now thinks I am and that im sneaking around. What can I do? She is now insecure about everything on top of it all as she thinks me keeping the pics or the profiles says I dont find her attractive and that I want sonething else, that she isnt good enough. But she is great and I truly love her. I hate myself daily for ever having lied when talking to her friend or the pics (which were not even remotely a thought in my mind ever). She thinks im someone way different now… That im a liar and that even me saying how I feel for her is a lie… I dont know what to do, im so hurt over this and want to fix it. To be able to hold her in my arms again.

[Anonymous]

There are a few things that I forgot to mention as I was attempting to type that from my phone….

First off she is mad about the timing of the pics being sent. It isn’t so much that I had them or saved them but the fact that I had done so about a month into the relationship when things were good. To be honest I have no diea why I saved them and hell I thought they were gone. My heart dropped when she showed me them. I didn’t know what to say.

Also, I wanted to mention about the profiles. They were facebook profiles of women I had prior interest in… now here is the situation concerning those is the fact she still keeps in contact with a guy that she used to see I would get uncomfortable that he would still contact her and she would respond at times. I really hated hearing about him, I still do. When she brought him up and talked about him it made me mad so instead of venting and saying things I might regret I instead would bring up a profile and in my mind it was like me saying something cutting to her. I never would think about it or look on it again, my mind was then at peace and I could let go the anger I would have with her. It was just something done in the moment when mad. I can see where she is coming from and how it hurts her, it just sucks because its like reliving a fight again as those were just in response to things that bothered me at the time and I didnt want to hurt her like that. And here I am now dealing with the exact feelings on her now that I had hoped to avoid because of my own stupidity and insecurity.

I love this woman with all my heart and want her to trust and love me back. I’ve opened my life to her so she can see that but I just hope it is enough. I am not a bad guy… but I know that I am not perfect by any means. My aim is to make her smile and know that I will never stray. I would never do something like that. I keep beating myself up about all of this. I can see both sides of the situation in how she feels about all of this and what my intent truly is and was. I am devoted to her and I want to make this better…. what do you suggest?

[Moyerucsb]

Also, was just thinking about this… she is friends with almost all of her ex’s or guys she was dating. I told her that makes me uncomfortable (which it does still). She tells me to trust her and be more secure about things. I just really don’t like it as many of them still want her. She even mentions things at times as well as talking about the idea of one of them coming to visit or some such. Or the worst one in my opinion was asking to go to 2 different concerts with one and then another who invited her to come visit and hit the bars with him (and he has a gf too). I think those things should’ve never even been mentioned let alone considered. She views it innocently but I regardless of how innocent it may be on her end I don’t trust the guys intentions and think it is highly inappropriate in a lot of ways.

Sorry I know I am asking a lot and not even my first question was answered but I am wondering how to handle everything. Thanks ahead of time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both and how long have you been dating?

[Moyerucsb]

31 & she is 28. Its been almost 5 months. Like I said pretty short.

[Moyerucsb]

I am 32 and she will be 29 at the end of July, we have been together for almost 5 months now.

[Moyerucsb]

Hi April,

This is Krystal, the gf. There is no reason to answer, this man lies everyday and sneaks around. I have proof…actually saved and printed. I wont be around so there is no reason to fix this issue.

Thanks though.

[Moyerucsb]

She thinks I am sneaking around and I am not. I am not cheating or flirting or doing anything of the sort. I realzie now that not telling her that some girl sent me a message isn’t helping matters. at this point I’ve opened everything to her, my emails, my facebook, my phone. I’ve nothing to hide from her at all.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’m glad to hear from Krystal, but I would like you to register on the site (it’s free) and get your own account so you can chime in here and I can talk to both of you, instead of using your boyfriend’s account.

Second of all, it seems like the real problem started when [b]Moyerucsb[/b] went to Krystal’s best friend behind her back for relationship advice, and made a pact with the best friend not to tell Krystal. This was the mistake that broke the camel’s back. It seems like you want her to forgive you for lying, and she doesn’t want to. Sometimes when you make a mistake, you have to pay the price. Hopefully, for future, you’ll be impeccable with your word and not lie or keep things from her or any future girlfriends.

When she found photos of other women and profiles you’d saved (I assume you mean dating profiles), she was hurt, but what she should have figured out is that you’re not as serious about the relationship as she would like you to be. Although she got mad about this, a better reaction would have been to realize you’re possibly not someone she’s looking for in terms of Mr. Right, and either let it go and moved on, or else, if she decided it wasn’t that big a deal and the two of you are too new as a couple to expect you to be monogamous just yet, she could work to be her most enticing self so you wouldn’t want to save other women’s profiles. But those are her decisions to make.

Since she has written in and seems to think you’re a liar, end of story, she has a responsibility to move on. And so do you. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who thinks ill of you and she shouldn’t be in one where she’s so convinced your a liar. If you are, as she believes you to be, then she needs to get out. And hopefully you’ll decide it’s worth it, for the future, to change your ways and be more mindful of your behavior.

[Moyerucsb]

well going to her friend was a bad idea i knew that afterwards as well but i didnt know how to deal with her when she was pregnant she kept going back and forth. for the profiles… she kept talking about a guy she used to see and it would set me off and made me feel insecure. instead of saying something mean i vented elsewhere but i did not want anyone else. every time she brought him up or wanted to go to some concert with this ex/guy she used to see it broke my heart

[Anonymous]

Hi April,

I did as you said and created a profile here! Thank you.

Anyways, obviously there are always going to be 2 sides to the story, and each will have more detail for why things are done. However I intend to see that the facts on this are correct. There were never any guys in my life. I have a guy friend who I went to to finally cry and talk after I found out about the lies and pact with my best friend. It shook me to my core. My best friend had said awful things about me to him (bf) which he now only told me about as of 1 week ago. So, she was no longer my best friend, my boyfriend was a liar and was capable of that stuff and I was about 4 weeks pregnant. (We chose to not have it) My world was crumbling. I moved to this big city and had no one to vent to, to cry to…so I called a guy who is my friend, great listener and gives no judgment. I finally broke down and cried and said everything. I shared my personal relationship to him that normally I would never do. I DO NOT bring my relationship baggage to public, ever, especially to another guy. It is wrong to me to vent to another sex about my BF issues. I feel like it creates a world eventually to cheat.

Anyways, I was alone and vented. May I remind you while I was pregnant I was slowly being turned off by my BF by the lack of interest in providing and getting ready for a child as I was. I started resenting him. In turn everything irritated me and I was a hormonal pregnant person to say the least! I was upset that I was having a baby with a man I did not respect, trust or build a life with. We both decided not having the baby was best for the baby. However, the surgery had injured me and I was in the hospital for a week. Everyday my bf was there but later I come to find out as he was there he was on his phone looking up and saving photos to his phone of girls he liked prior to me…….YEP…as I was in the hospital.

After that we decided to see a therapist but to my dismay the therapist was about 30, female and gorgeous….I was uncomfortable. I stopped going. At this point I was insecure (because of the photos), unsupported, couldn’t trust anyone that meant a lot to me. I was alone in this city stuck living with my bf whom I did not trust. Since day 1 of meeting him he has always deleted everything, every text, email, everything. I did not trust the behavior. So I decided to get access in to his Gmail account to check the activity to build some sort of security with seeing no bad things after a while. However I found a way to track his searches. I also found a way to see the texts on his phone that were deleted. I felt searching was the only truth I would get. I no longer believed his words and only went off of his actions online. Of course I found some alarming searches online and some texts that did not match the stories he was telling. So the nose on Pinocchio grew even bigger.

Now here I am, in a new city, no friends to turn to here, turned off by men because of my bf and just don’t know what to do. Everything in my body says to leave him because I know that when you find the right person you don’t do what he was doing as well as not believing him or having the security anymore. Those are all big things to me. I also wonder why when my “best friend” was talking crap about me to him why he did not stand for me and be my protector. I beg for him to let me go, let me leave, take a break but he does not do so….it will take me to change my number and block him to get him out. I am tired of waking up everyday feeling not good enough, insecure, unwanted, walked all over, made for a fool, embarrassed.

Why do I hang on…even a little? Am I sick?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I was with you all the way up until you wrote:
[quote]I beg for him to let me go, let me leave, take a break but he does not do so….it will take me to change my number and block him to get him out.[/quote]

I understand you’re alone, you’re probably still hormonal and emotional from the pregnancy termination, and you don’t trust your boyfriend and are disappointed in him. But…. you are a 28 year old adult! Get on the phone, look online and get the local newspaper and find female roommate situations so you can move out as soon as possible. Living together when you’ve only been dating for 5 months, and you’ve been through so much negativity, is a terrible situation for both of you. So move out.

Second, stop looking to someone else to do for you what you need to do for yourself. (I know this may seem tough given that from your point of view you haven’t done anything wrong; I’m not blaming you; I’m giving you your marching orders so you can be more independent and chose a boyfriend more wisely, and not under or out of duress.)

Third, stop dating anyone. Altogether. You need time to heal yourself, make some friends, get a support group going in your new city, take some exercise classes, clean your closets, read a novel, go to the movies with friends, and adopt a pet! In other words, get a life without a boyfriend, for now.

When you start feeling happy, settled and that you’ve processed your feelings, THEN you can begin dating again. If you do so before hand, you’re going to make dating mistakes. Get your own life together first. Get healthy. Find a way to stop feeling like a victim in a new city with no support.

And when you do start dating, BUY BIRTH CONTROL!! 😯 You shouldn’t be getting pregnant like this. And that goes for your boyfriend, too! You both have to take responsibility for using birth control if you’re having sex and don’t want a baby.

I hope your boyfriend will slow down when it comes to dating because he moved way too fast with you and it created a mess. He wasn’t ready for you to live with him and I’m not sure the two of you should even be dating at all — but we’ll know the definitive answer to that question AFTER you do what I’ve said above. If you do, and he’s still around and interested, and so are you, I hope you’ll both take things SLOWLY.

Hope that helps!

[Member]

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