[okaywat]

I met a wonderful man after years of running into jerks. He’s very mature and successful. Our chemistry upon meeting was so magnetic and continued on with a strong undeniable physical and mental attraction. He bragged about me being a good catch and he always mentioned how intelligent and attractive I was. He also discussed how he never dated anyone that he had such a chemistry with besides me. We were just a man and a woman who found each other, had a ton in common and were crazy about one another. The problem is that I was dishonest about my age. We dated for 3 months before he found out that I was 9 years older than I said I was. He was also dishonest about his age however. He is actually 2 years younger than he said he was. So that actually puts his age at 26 and mine at 39. (I look like I’m 25). I never revealed to him that I knew about his real age. After dating him for a while, age didn’t play a factor for me. After finding out that we were so compatible, I was afraid to reveal my age assuming that he would not want to date me. Now that he found out that I deceived him about my age, he refuses to talk to me. He said that he needs space to think about everything. He said that I hurt and deceived him. It’s been two weeks and I have not spoken to him since. I received one text from him stating that there was a lot going through his head and he needed time to get his thoughts together. It’s been two weeks and I’m scared that I messed up a wonderful relationship. I’m not even sure if he’ll ever speak to me again. I love him and have expressed my deepest feelings on the matter and have explained why I lied about my age. What should I do? What advice do you have for me?

[kai]

I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

[b]This is not in the forum where April answers readers questions. [/b] 😮

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the proper forum, the Q & A Advice Forum:

[u]https://www.askapril.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=1[/u]

[The_Jester]

Sounds like you’ve done all you can. You apologized after the truth came out. Now the ball is in his court.

Should he choose to move on, just take from this the lesson that honesty is the best choice next time.

[someoneinaustx]

I agree with The_Jester. You need to ask yourself if you really need to be with someone who acts so sanctimonious about your lie, while completely ignoring the fact that HE DID THE EXACT SAME THING!

It sounds to me like he is an “ageist”! Just kidding.

I can tell you that if I were in his position, ignoring my own lie about age, I would be a bit disappointed if I hit it off with you as you described it. In my mind, I would have plotted a potential future with one another which would have had age-related milestones which could not happen with such a large age disparity. Maybe he is a momma’s boy who isn’t prepared to defend you to his parents. Maybe he just isn’t as into you as you are to him and saw this as his “out”. I don’t know the answer and can think of a thousand more possibilities. All I do not is that if he determines that you are more important to him that your age spread, then he will be back.

Let us know how it turns out!

[ptcgurl]

i’m with austintx. i don’t see how he can be so upset about your lie, when he lied about the same thing. and no telling what else he has lied about lol.

i’m curious as to how he found out though…

[kai]

Hi, I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

This is not in the forum where April answers readers questions.

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the Relationship Advice: Q & A Advice Forum with Relationship Expert April Masini.

Here’s the link:
https://www.askapril.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=1

[Kuen]

I agree with The_Jester. Lies are like a poisonous gas that will silently kill your relationship.

[swampdonkey]

with the mutual attraction you described, i would be surprised if he has a big issue with your age or your lying about it. if he has gone “distant” on you following a little blow-up over age (considering you look young enough that he initially believed you), i really, really suspect another player in the game. i would not expect a healthy young man to give up access to intimacy without at least the prospect of being with someone else with whom he feels he’d be more compatible. the language he used (“a lot going through my head” and “need some time”) is frequently what we (men AND women) say when we want time to pursue another relationship. i feel terrible for you. i’m 42 and i’ve been on both sides of this in the last few months. but to put this in perspective a little bit, what is really happening IS NOT that you’re losing the love of your life. you’re just in the game bumping your head. i know for sure 🙂 internet dating has it’s pros and cons, but it’s GREAT for “moving on”. believe me: get on a good email romance and this doosh will be the last thing on your mind 🙂 it’s okay…dip your toe in the pool again 😀

[exback4ever]

I don’t know what has happened since you posted this, but if you lied about your age and the guy was not ok with that, then there is not really a lot you can do unless he decides to forgive you and accept things for the way they are. If he really loves you, then age will not matter. So, you could consider this a blessing in disguise as he obviously did not care for you as much as you thought he did.

It was a hard lesson learned. I bet you will not lie about your age like this again in the future, right?

Good luck!

~Jeremy

[kai]

Hi, I notice that you have placed your question in the forum for Guest Writers and Advice Column Contributors.

This is not in the forum where April responds readers questions.

If you want to get a response from April, please repost your question in the Free Expert Q & A Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini.

[Ask April Masini]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. 😉

[Ethan Morales]

you hurt him, you broke trust, but this isn’t necessarily game over. How you respond now matters more than the lie that started it. Here’s my honest take and a step-by-step plan you can use, practical, non-mushy, and aimed at actually rebuilding trust if that’s possible.

You lied. He found out. That betrayal stings because trust is binary: once broken, words mean less. Your immediate task is to accept responsibility without buffering it with justification. “I lied because I was afraid” is okay to explain once, but don’t use it to excuse the lie. Own the impact: “I know I broke your trust and I’m deeply sorry.”

He asked for time; that’s reasonable. Space isn’t radio silence forever, it’s time for him to process. During this time, don’t flood him with messages or guilt trips. At the same time, send one clear, sincere communication (see templates below), then step back and let your actions demonstrate change. Repeated begging will push him farther away.

Be transparent and available to answer everything. If he wants to know why you lied, when you knew, what else you omitted answer every question honestly. No half-truths, no defensiveness. Transparency is the currency you have to rebuild trust. If you can’t answer something honestly, say so, but don’t dodge.

Prove reliability with behaviour, not speeches. Don’t promise the moon. Demonstrate small, consistent things that show you can be trusted: show up on time for a talk, respond when you say you will, follow through on small commitments. Trust regenerates from reliable patterns, not grand declarations.

Prepare for any outcome including loss. He may forgive, he may need time, or he may decide the deception is too big. Be prepared emotionally for the possibility that he walks away. That’s painful, but it doesn’t mean you failed forever it means you learned. Use this to grow; don’t bargain your self-respect by begging.

Work on the root cause. Why did you lie about your age? Fear of rejection? Insecurity? Address that honestly consider therapy, journaling, or honest conversations with trusted friends. You don’t want this pattern repeating if you get a second chance.

Hi [Name]. I’m not going to text you over and over. I lied about my age, and I know that hurt you. I’m deeply sorry I accept responsibility. I’m here to answer any questions you want to ask. If and when you’re ready to talk, I’ll be available and honest. I understand if you need more time.

I want to be completely honest. I lied about my age because I was afraid of losing what we had before we really had a chance together. That was wrong. I betrayed your trust and I’m so sorry for the pain I caused. I’m not asking you to forgive me right now I’m asking for the chance to be transparent from here on out and to answer anything you need to know. I understand if you need space or decide this is too much. If you want to talk in person or by phone, I will make myself available and answer everything truthfully. Thank you for reading this.

If/when you get a conversation in person Start with: “I know I hurt you. I accept responsibility.” Don’t launch into long defenses. Let him ask questions and answer simply and honestly. Say what you will do differently (specific actions), not vague promises. Ask what he needs to feel safe, but don’t demand that he answer or move faster than he can.

The chemistry you had matters, but trust is the foundation. If he’s the kind of person who can recover from this, it will be because you’ve shown consistent honesty and humility over time. If he can’t, forcing things will only make it worse. Either way, you’ll come out of this knowing yourself better and that’s the point of painful mistakes.

[PassionSeeker]

You can’t undo the lie, but you can handle the truth differently now with grace, not panic. What he’s feeling isn’t just about the number; it’s about trust. When someone we admire deceives us, even with good intentions, it shakes the foundation. Right now, his silence isn’t punishment it’s processing. Let him have it.

You’ve already apologized and explained why you did it. That’s all you can do for now. If he values the connection you shared, he’ll eventually want to talk. When that happens, don’t defend the lie again acknowledge how it made him feel. A calm “I understand why that hurt you” will reach him more than another apology.

And while you wait, remind yourself that this isn’t all on you. He lied, too. He understands fear just not yours yet. Give him the gift of quiet honesty: space, respect, and no chasing.

If the bond was real, truth won’t destroy it it’ll rebuild it differently. If not, it’ll free you for something stronger.

[Marcus king]

You didn’t lose him because of the age difference.
You lost him because of the trust hit.

The chemistry was real. The connection was real. But when someone finds out they were lied to especially about something tied to identity their brain goes straight to: “What else isn’t real?”

That’s what he’s sitting with.

Now, him being upset makes sense. But he also lied just less. That matters too. It means this isn’t a moral issue, it’s an emotional one. He’s not deciding whether your age bothers him he’s deciding whether the relationship feels safe now.

The worst thing you could do here is chase, plead, explain again, or keep apologizing. He already heard your apology. More words won’t fix this.

The only thing that can help now is time and consistency.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

babe… you didn’t lose him ‘cause you’re older, you lost him ‘cause you lied. 😬 like yeah, age gaps can freak people out, but deception? that’s what really ages the vibe. give him space, for real. if what you had was real, honesty might still save it, but only if you stop performing damage control. he needs to miss your truth, not your excuses. and if he can’t handle it? then you just dodged a man too young for your energy anyway. 💅✨

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