[Marcus king]

You’re in a tough spot, but let me be blunt: your current approach is poisoning the relationship rather than fixing it. Here’s why:

Reading his emails without permission, even repeatedly, is not okay. It’s a breach of trust. You may feel validated by seeing things you don’t like, but every time you check his email, you reinforce secrecy, not honesty. It puts you in a constant state of anxiety, and he will sense the mistrust, even if he doesn’t know exactly what you’re doing. That tension is the real problem not just the emails themselves.

Now about him: continuing intimate emails with his ex sending love notes, sharing private thoughts, pictures that is not a healthy boundary. No matter how “logical” his explanations are, it shows he is emotionally involved with her in a way that undermines your relationship. A person truly committed to their current partner doesn’t maintain a “romanticized friendship” that includes declarations of love or sexual content.

Your demands that he tells her about your relationship or stops emailing are reasonable. A committed adult relationship should not coexist with emotional intimacy of that level with an ex. His refusal, coupled with lying about contact, shows he’s prioritizing the ex over your feelings.

Here’s what you need to do:

Stop checking his emails. It’s a trap that keeps you anxious and gives him evidence to dismiss your feelings. Your well-being depends on boundaries you can control.

Have a clear conversation. You need to sit him down, calmly and firmly: “I cannot continue in a relationship where you maintain this level of intimacy with your ex. It’s hurting me, and it’s hurting us. You need to choose: me, or this dynamic with her.”

Decide your limits. If he refuses to stop or set boundaries, the relationship is unlikely to be healthy or long-term. You are entitled to demand emotional safety.

Focus on yourself. Your life, studies, and peace of mind matter more than policing him or trying to “fix” the situation.

Checking emails is a temporary illusion of control. The real control comes from setting boundaries and insisting they’re respected. If he values the ex more than you, no amount of snooping will fix that and staying will only erode your self-respect.

[Isabella Jones]

Oh girl, I can feel every ounce of that knot in your stomach. 💛 You went into this with confidence, honesty, and trust, and now you’re stuck in this space where your instincts are screaming that something isn’t right. You didn’t snoop because you’re insecure; you did it because your heart sensed something was off and needed the truth your mind wasn’t being given. And sadly, the truth you found hurts.

The fact that he’s still exchanging *I love yous* and sharing parts of his day like they’re still together says a lot. It’s not just about the emails — it’s about emotional loyalty. If he were truly committed to building something real with you, he’d want transparency, not secrecy. It’s not about you being controlling; it’s about him holding on to a door that should’ve been closed long ago.

I’ve been in something similar once — that awful limbo where you’re the girlfriend but somehow still feel like the “other woman.” It took me a while to realize that love shouldn’t make you feel like you’re competing with someone’s past. It should make you feel safe.

Do you think if you stopped checking his emails today, you’d actually feel at peace with him — or deep down, do you already know the answer you’re afraid to face?

[Soft Truths]

You’re not crazy for feeling unsettled. You’re just responding to something that doesn’t feel emotionally safe. Because even though you knew he was in touch with his ex, what you’ve discovered isn’t just casual communication. It’s intimacy that crosses the line between friendship and unfinished relationship.

You shouldn’t have to compete with a ghost from his past. The fact that his password still says that he tells her he loves her, even as he’s with you shows that his emotional energy is still tied to her. That’s not fair to you. It’s not even about jealousy, it’s about boundaries. When someone is building a relationship with you, their loyalty emotional, mental, and physical should belong to that relationship.

Now, about the emails. I understand why you checked. It’s not right to invade privacy, but when your gut tells you something’s off, you go looking for proof. You found it. The danger now is staying in a dynamic where you have to keep searching for reassurance he should be giving freely. That’s not sustainable that it will eat away at your confidence, even if you try to act unbothered.

You’re right to want him to tell her about you. If he were emotionally honest, he’d do it without you having to ask. But the fact that he refuses and uses “not wanting to hurt her” as an excuse says a lot. He’s protecting her feelings, not yours. And that’s the wrong priority for someone who’s supposed to be building a future with you.

Stop reading the emails, not because he deserves the privacy, but because you deserve peace. Instead, have one clear, calm conversation with him. Tell him you don’t want to control who he talks to, but you do need honesty and boundaries that make both of you feel respected. Watch how he responds not just his words, but whether his actions change.

If he defends his behavior, dismisses your feelings, or makes you feel small for asking, that’s your answer. Love doesn’t thrive in confusion. It grows in clarity. And right now, he’s feeding off your uncertainty.

You sound strong, smart, and deeply self-aware. Don’t let him make you question that. You’re not asking too much. You’re just asking for the kind of loyalty he should already be giving.

[Tara]

Once he said “I love you” to his ex, the partnership ended. No argument, no apology, no amount of history can erase that breach. Staying now only means accepting a permanent third presence in your relationship.

Walk away. No lectures, no inbox checks, no negotiations. Leave him to his comfort zone and reclaim your self-respect.

[Sally]

You’re not a terrible person for looking. You’re a person who felt something was off and went searching for the truth, and the truth you found hurts. Anyone would be shaken by seeing their partner telling someone else they still love them.

But here’s the real thing you need to face. This isn’t about you being jealous or insecure. This is about him keeping one foot in another relationship while pretending he’s fully in yours. He’s lying to you, and he’s comforting her in a way that crosses every line for someone who claims to be committed.

You can’t fix this by checking his email or begging for honesty. If he wanted to be with you in a clean, solid way, he’d already be doing that. So the question isn’t how to make him change. It’s whether you want to stay with someone who’s still half living in his past.

You deserve someone who’s all in. He’s not.

[Natalie Noah]

This man is not in a relationship with you. he’s in a relationship with his ex, and you’re the one standing on the outside trying to pretend you’re inside. Everything he’s doing shows where his emotional loyalty is:
• He hides her from you
• He lies to your face about contact
• He uses I love you with her
• He accepts (and enjoys) sexual photos
• He maintains a password that literally says he loves her
• He protects her feelings while disregarding yours

This isn’t a “friendship.” It’s an active emotional and sexual relationship one he doesn’t want to give up and doesn’t want you to interfere with. And the fact that he told you he broke up with a previous girlfriend for the same reason is not a warning it’s a pattern. He’s telling you clearly: “I choose her. I will always choose her. Don’t ask me to stop.”
You’re not imagining anything.
You’re not overreacting.
You’re not jealous.
You’re not unreasonable.
You’re trying to build a relationship with someone who is still deeply entangled with someone else.

The issue is not that you checked his emails the issue is that if you hadn’t, you’d still be living in a lie. People always say “privacy!” But privacy is not a shield for deceit. If you had never looked, you would still think:
• He doesn’t talk to her on NYE
• He isn’t emotionally intimate with her
• He doesn’t still love her
• He is committed to you
You would still be living in a false version of your relationship, built on his lies not your trust. You didn’t violate his privacy to control him. You checked because something felt wrong. And your instincts were absolutely right. You didn’t betray him. He betrayed you.

You’re not losing him. he was never available to you in the first place. This man isn’t confused.
He isn’t conflicted.
He isn’t innocent.

He is actively choosing a dynamic where he gets:
• Emotional intimacy from her
• Sexual attention from her
• Stability and companionship from you

He wants the comfort of his ex and the convenience of you. And you deserve better than being the “girl he dates while still loving someone else.”

Your future actions?
You don’t confront him.
You don’t negotiate.
You don’t wait for him to change.

You walk away from a man who clearly told you through his actions, passwords, lies, and loyalty that his heart is not free. Leaving him isn’t losing love.nLeaving him is reclaiming self-respect. You deserve a man who protects your feelings, speaks your name with honesty, and chooses you fully without anyone else sitting in the center of his heart.

[Author]

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