[Zero186]

im not sure where to begin…so i guess ill start from the top..

Ive been with my gf for about 7 months. since the beginning i knew that her husband had died. Unfortunately she jumped back into the dating scene only 3 short months after his death. She has a child from him who was born 1 month after he died. when we first met, i tried to keep things strictly friends for my own reasons. however, things clicked and we just hit it off. It seemed as though she really cared about me and had genuine feelings for me. Since weve been together, weve had several arguments over meaningless and really stupid stuff. I dont want to place blame because were both equally at fault. However theres been times when ive asked of her for a normal reaction, to some event that would normally induce some reaction, such as a hug a kiss or an ‘im sorry’. Basically some form of affection, but she just doesnt give it. I dont know if this is how she became after her husband died, or if this was how she was all her life. These small events dont always happen but when they do, and i bring it up, she justifies her lack of action or emotion until the bitter end. I also feel as though sometimes she just has this “i dont care attitude”, no matter whether things are going smooth or not.

At one point I “accidentally” looked at her facebook, while i was at her house, because she leaves it logged in and doesnt log out when shes done. I saw that she had her deceased husbands FB page still there, and she has been posting to it quite often. I saw that she had left a post on his wall that said i love you, but i never made a mention of it. i just sucked it up and kept my mouth shut.

Weve broken up 2 times already because of things like this. however, since our last “break up” weve been getting along great

She and I are one of those couples, where opposites attract…i suppose. I do admit in the beginning I was kinda clingy because i was paranoid taht i was being played with, but now….things have settled and I THOUGHT i knew were we stood together..

Just recently…in July, it was her husbands anniversary of the day he died. she went to go visit the inlaws and his grave. at this point things were still smooth. Normally id be txting her and thigns would be alrite…but this time i wanted to leave her alone to be with her inlaws. so i didnt txt her, but she actually did txt me…and taht made me feel pretty good, considering that she is not the one who usually initiates the text message. however when she got back…the inlaws came with her, and have been staying at her house, and will be there until this weekend. They are here for the babys bday. this kinda made me get stupid cuz i knew iwasnt gonna be able to see her for nearly a month. She has kept me a secret from them since we started dating for fear, im assuming, of hurting the family, and to keep good relations between his family and herself.

i tried to not txt her as much anyways….the sad part is, that I would randomly tell her i love you throughout the day…and sometimes she would reply….sometimes she wouldnt….and sometimes shed reply but avoid returning the i love you. so it made me start wondering…Did going back there make her fall back into a slump of missing him and wishing he was here, and make her stop having feelings for me?

this past tuesday, I asked her a question because i noticed that her responses to me were becoming more and more “friendly” and less affectionate, as one would have when theyre in love with someone.
so i asked her directly… “babe, dont get upset, but i feel as though in this small time apart, youve become distant from me…and i just want to know if you still have romantic feelings for me?”

her response was less then what I was expecting… she said “omg dont start, you act as if weve been seperated for months.” after her response i got kind of uspet and said i was sorry and that i wouldnt bother her anymore….left it at that…the next morning i texted her i love you and just want to be with you…and since that morning there has been very little contact between us….

I spoke to her again on friday, through chat. i basically poured myself out to her, and apologized for even making that small “mistake” of a question, and taht i was just here to apologize and make things right, and get my girlfriend back. the only response she made was one that read “the past couple of days that we havent been txting i been good. i dont have to hear you complain about something every other day! and i dont have to keep checking my phone making sure that you havent txt me cux if you have you get mad cux i dont txt you bak rite away” some of that is true…in the early stages of our relationship…i would become upset at the small things, but i slowly started making changes, and thats why things were better, shortly before she left to her trip to the inlaws.

i called her on saturday…and was very direct…i asked her ” so…are you still my gf? do you still want to be?” she said “idk”….

so now im stuck here…in the dark…i have no idea whats going on with her, and she wont tell me, even though im trying to be there for her….is this her way of breakin up with me? is she just pushing me away while her inlaws are there? or is she pushing me away to allow herself to grieve properly? and if thats the case…will she want me back when shes better?

except for the few times when weve argued…things have been great…and weve both been happy with one another….i really want to be with her…my actions have proven it…because most guys woudl just let go because of all the BS…but i told her i wanted to be with her indefinitely…

any ideas, insight, or suggestions?

dont know what else to do.im at my end :/

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She’s not ready to be in a relationship with someone. It’s too soon after her husband died, and her child is a reminder of his loss. She needs time to mourn her husband’s death and it’s too soon for her to be in a relationship. My advice is that you move on. You need to be with someone who is available, and she isn’t.

I know this is all very disappointing, but one of the most important components of a successful relationship is mutual availability and she’s not available emotionally.

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

[Zero186]

Thank you for your help.

Although I know that she isnt ready…it would still hurt alot more to see her with someone else….

I think she would quickly move onto someone else, just as she moved quickly on to me, just to be able to try and escape her past…but like you said she needs to grieve properly, and being with someone is not the way to do it.

thanks again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes you have to make [i]sacrifices[/i] for people because you care about them and because it’s the right thing to do. Putting your need to not be hurt by possibly seeing her with someone else if you break up with her because she hasn’t properly grieved her late husband, ahead of what is right for her is the wrong thing to do. Staying with her because of your fear of discomfort is going to lead you to more of the same problems. Eventually she’s going to figure out she needs to be alone and she’ll do it on her terms. They may include passive aggressive breaking up (most likely) or flat out breaking up. My advice is to let go now so as not to put both of you through that. 😳

[Zero186]

well you were correct.
she did break up with me…but i was ready for it, because by the time i got to posting up in your board, i had already started to let go.

while i was talking to a her moms bf last night, since i couldnt talk to her, i was talking to him because wed become good friends.
she txted me and said ” omg why are you talking to him? yes we are over you happy. if you wanna know something ask me. idk why you keep bringing people into our problems, just stop asking people about me and stop calling me…get over it.”

I didnt reply…

about 20 minutes after, while i was talking to one of her best friends, and also someone that I had gotten close to,…. she txted me again and said…”i hope your not coming over.” im sure she expected me to do that because I had done it before, in similar situations…but not this time. I didnt reply to either text.

so she decided to call me.

i answered the phone

she said…your not coming over right? i just said no.she said “ok i was just checking byeee.” (in a very snide tone)
I called her back…not mad. i kept my bearing and i basically gave it one last shot. I told her im not happy. the reason i was talking to your moms bf was cuz i couldnt talk to you and didnt want to make you more upset by trying to talk to you. she said so where are you going with all of this? i told her im going to where ive always gone. I want to be with you and i was trying to show you that i cared by leaving you alone to do your thing. she said well i already told you no. i asked well can i know why?
and she said omg…whatever…please stop talking to me.
i said ill stop talking to you if you tell me why….and she just hung up.
i didnt call back after that.
i didnt get mad. i didnt say anything i regretted. she was the one mad the whole time.
but i got my answer

I found last night that her husband basically let her get away with whatever she wanted to. He essentially let her step all over him. He would mind his own business and keep his mouth shut to keep her happy. Much UNLIKE myself. I fought her the whole way, for us to be equal and she just couldnt get it. i wanted to keep her happy, but i wanted her to be fair with me as well, but she always had some double standard that only applied to her and not me, or vice versa.

Like I had mentioned before we have been on and off again. Lately it was her that was always the one breakin us up, because she would get mad about my actions, even if I was completely in the right (or at least not wrong), to do them. She would usually get mad simply because I was being honest about my feelings. She however is not like that. she holds things in. In essence, theres a role reversal. She was more of the guy in the sense that she would hold things in and not talk about them, and I was the more honest about what i felt.

When she would break with me…a few days later she would come back and say she was sorry. She would apologize because she always just said things while she was mad, and didnt really mean them.
I fear, that this is again another situation like that. At this point however, ive given up on this. i dont see the point to it anymore. its just a vicious cycle of breakup and makeup…and thats not what i want.

I could only hope that she would make changes, and want to make them, and still come back to me, when she was ready. I care about her so much that I would be wlling to wait, If she could only communicate with me, and let me know that she wants to get better to make our relationship work….or else theres just no point. this would all just happen again… Im not holding my breath.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s a mistake to fall in love with someone’s [i]potential. [/i] Hoping she’ll change isn’t going to get you anywhere you want to go. It’s much better for all involved to accept her as she is, accept yourself as you are, and find someone who is compatible now.

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