[confused1_92]

Hi everyone. I’m just going to get right into it. My boyfriend and I have been serious for 3 years. I have known him since middle school. I got pregnant just last year and ever since, he has been acting the strangest. While I was pregnant up until now he continues to form “friendships” as he calls them with other girls. I know they are not friendships because I’ve seen most of the conversations they have I have confronted him about it a lot but I don’t confront him every time. While I was in the hospital he did things that hurt me pretty bad. He didn’t cheat on me (that I know of) but the things he said to those girls it made me feel like I was worthless. When I confronted him about it he acted as if nothing happened as he usually does and then he acted like he didn’t know what he was doing. I never got an apology and it still hurts me til this day because he never gave me a chance to get over it. He continues to talk to one of these girls in particular and he knows how I feel about that but he doesn’t care. He proposed to me before this and I said yes so we…were engaged and he is still talking about marriage as if nothing happened. I want to go to counseling before we even consider marriage but he doesn’t seem to want to go. I know we are both young but we were so in love before this I don’t know what’s happening to our relationship. Why does he continue to talk to these girls if he wants to be a family? Does he even want to be a family? Why would he marry me if his feelings for me are drifting? I feel so unappreciated and I’ve expressed all my feelings for him but he continues to ignore them by doing the things he does. I don’t understand why he did a complete 360 on me and now I can’t even say I’m in love with this person that he has become. I want us to work more than anything but he won’t contribute his feelings and emotions and I’m reaching my breaking point.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How old are you both? Did you have the baby? How old is the baby?

[confused1_92]

I am 19, he is 20. I had the baby in March he is 41/2 months old.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re both so very young to be parents, and yet, you are. Your feelings are very normal — but so are his. The problem is that he doesn’t want the same thing you do. He proposed to you because he probably knows somewhere deep down that marrying you and becoming a family is the right thing to do. But it’s not what he wants in his heart. He wants his freedom and that’s why he’s befriending these other young women. I hope you realize that while it hurts you, I don’t think he’s doing it to hurt you. He’s doing it to feel good.

When he hurt your feelings in the hospital it was because he was angry at himself for being in the situation he’s in. He lashed out at you, but he was really mad at himself. You’re the object of his disappointment — but the real disappointment is himself and the situation he’s in. Now, when he sees you, he sees responsibility and permanence. These other women he’s goofing around with represent fun without responsibility.

I’m sure he loves you, but love isn’t enough to make things work. It takes patience and maturity and flexibility. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of the latter, and you’re going to have to use those assets now. He won’t go to counseling because he doesn’t want to face his responsibilities and counseling only works when both people want to go and want to do the work. You can’t make him go, so you should probably drop that idea. In fact, you were probably only going to counseling as a way to force him to tell you his feelings.

I know you want him to step up to the plate in every way, but you can’t make him, and since you’re at your breaking point, I suggest that you change your stance. Trying to get him to do something he doesn’t want to do is going to make you more and more frustrated. So instead, focus on being the best mother you know how to be.

I don’t know if you’re living together or with your respective parents, but get support from your family and friends. Cut yourself a break — you have a lot on your plate right now with a four month old baby — so be kind to yourself and take care of yourself. Be open and loving to him, but understand that he may or may not come around. If you can, try and have some fun, and balance your responsibilities for being a new parent with taking care of yourself. It’s the best you can do.

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter. 😀

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