[confusegirl]

Hi,

I wrote you a letter because i just wanted to ask an advice about my problem. I am came from Philippines, my boyfriend is from Sweden. We meet already and we decided to go through married this September. He was divorced with his previous x-wife, and had one child an 8 y.o girl.

When he came back to his country he started to clarify everything about us. He told his x-wife about his decision of getting married again. But we talked that we have to give a little time before we will tell to his child about the idea, so his child will not get disappointed. But his wife interfere, and she told her child about the plan we had. The child started to ask questions about me, and he also open up to me about that. Until the time came that he told me that his x wife wont agree of his getting married again. I was so confused already, since we already planned everything this September, and after that we have to process our papers too. He also get disappointed to his x wife. My problem is i dont want to have complicated life with him. of course im alien in his country and i dont want that someday it will make a clash between me and his x wife. I already accept his past life and also we love each other. he keep on fighting his love to me, but suddenly i feel confuse about idea of moving to his country with him.

What should i do in this situation..i love him very much, but i dont want to regret someday. i also dont want to have a misunderstanding with his x wife. But his x wife started to brain wash the kid. Which i think it can make some problems in my future there. Do i have to continue to our plan? What should i do just to make me at ease, coz right now i dont know what to say….please give me some advice..i am so confuse now and i started to get emotional sometimes..need advice..

Thanks.

Confusegirl

[BasketCaseCutie]

I can identify with your problem because I live with my boyfriend who has a 7 year old girl (except I do get along with his ex-wife and she is supportive of her ex-husband’s relationship with me). You say you “don’t want a complicated life with him” but, speaking from my own experience, this will be unavoidable. If you are in love with someone with an ex-wife and a child then you have to accept the fact that your lives together will be complicated. But that doesn’t mean that you should throw in the towel. You didn’t say how long the two of you were dating before you decided to get married, but it sounds like you need to slow down and get to know each other more and try to get to know his child more. You do not need the approval or blessing of his ex-wife, and you don’t even have to have any sort of relationship with her, but you do need to form a more stable relationship with his child— BEFORE you commit the rest of your life with him because your life with him automatically becomes your life with THEM when you marry. It’s much better and healthier and more likely to work out if you have a decent relationship with the child first. That poor kid is confused as it is now, and forcing your way into that child’s life when it’s not on the little girl’s terms would be an irresponsible decision made by both you and your boyfriend.
April is the expert, so she will let you know the best way to go about this, but my advice is that you slow down, don’t get married in September and instead focus on building a stronger relationship your boyfriend and with the people who mean the most to your boyfriend and let things fall into place naturally

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[b]Basketcasecutie[/b] gave you GREAT advice. Bottom line is that if you don’t want a complicated life, don’t date a single parent. 😕 I don’t understand how his ex-wife can not agree to his getting married again. Why does her opinion about who he marries matter? 😯 If they’re divorced, he can marry whomever he wants.

It sounds like maybe HE doesn’t want a complicated life either. In which case this new marriage is going to be a lot of trouble.

How old are you? How old is your boyfriend? How long has he been divorced? How long have the two of you dated?

If you answer those questions, I’ll advise you further.

[confusegirl]

Hi BasketCaseCutie!

Thanks to your advice, i am trying to follow the advice..yah weve been communicating years ago..and we meet already many times, coz he spend vacation in my country. i already introduced him to my friends and family, and every thing is already fine with him. but its hard for me now to communicate with the child coz we have difficult in time. but i always trust my bf that he can settled everything about this situation. besides he will be back here on september and also maybe we have to tackled everything. yah my life would be complicated when the time come that we will be together in there place. yes, i agree with you, i dont need any approval to his x wife. at least now i feel comfortable with the advice and thanks to your advice..

[confusegirl]

Hi,

yah BasketCaseCutie advice is great. they already divorced 2 years ago, and the time my boyfriend and i are just friends. i am 26 now and his 40 years old. we already been dated and spend time every 6 months or twice a year here in philippines. and sometimes he visited me every 3 months just to spend some time with me and to my family and friends. in our relationship we dont have any problem, the communication is intact and we send messages, call each other and also emailed each other everyday. thats why i am also confused because his x wife interrupting us to get married, i think she has no right to interrupt us since they are already divorced. but the main problem i am facing is the child, his xwife always telling and reminding her child about me. and of course i understand the childs felling, i dont want her to get disappointed about this. he will be back here again this september just to pursue our plan to get married. hope you can give me more idea on how i manage this..thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for filling in more information. I didn’t realize that you were having a long distance relationship from your first post. I still don’t know how long you’ve been dating. It sounds from your second post that you only see your boyfriend four times a year at most. 😕 So if you’ve been dating two years, that’s only 8 times you’ve been together, and now you’re getting married. 😯 I strongly recommend you spend a lot more time with him in person, in the same city, before you get married or even decide to get married.

Although you e-mail and talk every day, that’s not the same thing as being together on a day to day basis. You need to find out how complicated your potentially new blended family is going to be and if you can handle it. This is especially true since you’ve been clear that you don’t want things to be complicated. It sounds like they most certainly will be — and while this is normal for blended families, some are more complicated than others.

It’s very common for an ex-wife to interfere with her ex-husband’s new relationship and to alienate the child. It’s also very common for any child to be wary of a new step-mother. His daughter and even his ex-wife are part of his life, and if you marry him, they will be part of yours, too. Get to know them before you commit to marriage.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[Member]

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