[jenpilz]

HI,

So I am in an extremely difficult situation. A quick background is that I am a married woman in my 30s, no kids, married for about 5 years. I met a man at work who is also married with 1 daughter and been married for abbout 3 years. Needless to say we had an affair and like any affair, it started as friendship, then spending more time together, and finally realizing that we loved each other and felt things we never felt with anyone else. Everything was picture perfect for the first few months until his wife found about us. He spent months convincing his wife it was over and she has forgiven him and he is back to leading a normal life and we are continuing our rship.

Fast forward about 6 months into the rship – The problem is up until recently, I knew I was the primary factor in his life and we both decided to love each other but live out life at home as an obligation and this is how our life would be since we cannot leave our familes. Recently I found out that he was lieing to me about many situations and was actually back to being very normal with his wife, telling her he loves her, being sexual, planning trips, talking to her the way we used to talk. Even though I was not doing all this at home and actually being quite distant from my husband thinking this is also what he was doing – for our love. When confronted he denied everything (even though I have proof) and said this rship can only work in 1 way and that is that I cannot ask any questions, no Whys, no explanations. He cant ask about my life and I cant ask about his. I accepted this at the since I cannot live without him. Some of the lies I caught him in were he would say he cant meet me for reasons xyz whereas the real reason was because he would have to rush home to run errands or do something with his family. Or he would try to paint a picture of how horrible his life was at home since his wife knew about us – when in reality she had forgiven him and was all over him, acting very normal, loving him, going out with him, etc. So I was sitting in guilt, not living my life with my husband, feeling bad that his life is ruined, when in actuality he was basically having fun with both of us.

However now it is just getting harder and harder to be in a rship in which I am afraid to ask anything, cannot expect him to call frequently, email frequently, cannot ask about his weekends, cannot ask about his home life. If any type of an issue comes up even when it is between us, his reply as always is – I am not explaining anything or answering your whys. Recently, all of a sudden, his mood changed while on a date and he was acting very strangely. When I confronted him and was said this affects us and therefore I do have a right to know – what triggered your change, did I do something wrong. He flipped the entire situation and said I knew you can never be happy with me and this rship and I am not going to answer any questions. If you can accept this then fine, if not then end it. So it seems like I am constantly changing myself, compromising so I can be with him – I am more than willing to answer anything, leave anything for him – but I am not getting that in return from him. I just feel like if a man loves me, wouldnt he want to fight for me, keep me happy, and do whatever it takes to make it work rather than just say – This is how I am, these are the rules of our type of rship, dont try to act like we have a “normal” rship.

Unfortunately since I am in love with him and cannot ask any friends or family for help, I am really confused. Being on the inside of this situation I cant tell if I am being unreasonable or if he is. I know what we are doing is wrong – but what about how he is treating me compared to when we first started all this and he was extremely loving and was always willing to answer all my concerns.

Please Help

Jen

[Ask April Masini]

Instead of blaming your married boyfriend for not treating his wife coldly or for not answering your questions about his family life, you’d do much better to look in the mirror and ask yourself the questions. Because trust me, you’re not going to control your married boyfriend. He’s been very clear with you from day one that you are not the only woman in his life. He never promised to leave his wife for you. He’s married. He’s also very facile with game playing — much more so than you are, so don’t even try to compete or get a straight answer from him. All he wants from you is sex. And if he has to trick you into romance to get the sex, he will and has. Sorry, but that’s the truth. He’s a pro at this.

And in answer to your question, yes, [i]you[/i] are being unreasonable to expect anything else from him. He is being very clear about who he is and what he wants from you.

Without passing moral judgment, I’m not sure why you’re staying married to your own husband if you’re so clearly in love with someone else. After all, you asked me if a man loved you “why he wouldn’t fight for you, to keep you happy and do whatever it takes to make it work”. Well, what about you? Why aren’t you willing to do this for him?

In fact, why aren’t you willing to do it for yourself? If you’re in your 30s, married 5 years with no children, why wouldn’t you fight to save your own marriage? Or if you’re so unhappy in it, fight to get out of it, and find someone to love [i]just you[/i] back? Divorce is a mess unto itself, but if you don’t have children, a divorce can be a lot easier, so if that’s what you decide to do, do it before you have kids.

I don’t think you’re really in love with your married boyfriend. Either you’re a bit of a drama addict or else self-destructive. It’s unfortunate that this relationship is playing out at work because that creates all kinds of complications. It’s also much harder for you to move on with a break up (which I suggest you do since this guy doesn’t want you as anything more than a sex toy, which doesn’t seem to be something you’re interested in being) when he’s right there in your office every single day!

I hope I’ve given you some clarity in answer to your question. You’re right that this is a messy affair and his wife has gotten hurt, and probably will again when she eventually finds out he’s still seeing you; you’ve gotten hurt, and your husband will probably get hurt. I’m guessing there are other women, too.

So use your best core strength to extricate yourself from this situation as cleanly as you can. Heal your wounds. Decide if your own marriage is going to be the focus of your love and sexual attention or not, and then act on [i]that[/i].

[jenpilz]

I cant thank you enough for everything you said. I think I really needed to hear the harsh reality and not have it sugar coated which is exactly what you did. Everything you said makes sense but ofcourse its easier said than done to just end things.

Esp. since he does still make an effort to stay in touch, call, say I love you – but as long as i follow his rules in the rship we are fine. As long as I hide my feelings, not have expectations or demands – things are great. As soon as I state my views, its all down hill.

However, the fact that you said, he has always been clear since the beginning about what he wants makes me think that I am the one that is being unreasonable and started expecting more and living in a fantasy world and therefore, maybe I should settle and lower my expectations and be ok with all this? I dont know -it is really so confusing. On one hand I know what he is doing in wrong, but on the other hand, I beat myself up for it thinking maybe he is right and I am demanding? I dont know why I cant see things clearly.

[Ask April Masini]

I’m glad I could help, but in response to your last post, let me make this clear for you again:

Your boyfriend is [i][b]not[/b][/i] right. He is using you. He is using his wife. He is helping you abuse your husband. He is being unfair to his children by putting their home at risk, and you are doing the same thing with your child. There is no future for you in this affair. He will never leave his wife for you. He’s even told you so!

Somewhere deep down, you have decided you don’t deserve everything from a man you love, and your married boyfriend smells that like a lion smells meat. He has honed in on you because you are vulnerable prey. He knows that as long as he plies you with romance, he can control you and get what he wants from you.

You will never get his true love. You’re only going to get cheap copies of it. He will tell you he loves you and wants to spend his life with you — he’ll tell you anything and everything — to get sex from you. And you are weak enough to believe that he loves you.

Go eat some Wheaties. You need to find your strength and break up with this married boyfriend who’s using you big time. Then decide if you want in or out of your marriage and act on it. Do your work! You’ve got the whole week ahead of you to get a head start on it.

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