[jimbakers]

Hi, I’m 31 years old and recently dating a 45 years old foreign woman who works as my family’s maid on contract basis. She worked for almost 3 years now. She become attached to us and so do we. She mostly a caretaker to my nephews as my elderly parents are too old.
We started messaging each other and shortly after that, she confessed her feelings to me. Fear that she might get hurt and leave us when I reject her feelings, I returned her feelings.
We went on several dates and she is deeply in love with me, but honestly I don’t feel that way. My feelings toward her are mainly lust since she always send me her photos in her suggestive outfit (and yes, I have a kink for older women).
We also discussed about getting married in the future, and she seems eager for the day to come. I don’t truly love her to be honest, but I also don’t want to ended up hurting her. Plus, marrying her will benefit her and my family; she will continue caring for my family, and she won’t have to worry about work contract being renewed annually with a hefty fee.
What should I do? Should I come clean with her and risk getting her feelings hurt, or wait and see how things go? Also, is it possible for a human being to learn to love someone? Especially to someone he/she doesn’t get attracted?

P.s: Pardon my English, I’m southeastern asian.

[Ask April Masini]

Okay, so you’re 31 and she’s 45 and she’s your family’s maid. Got it. Since you’ve only been out on a few dates together, don’t jump the gun! Use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue dating each other. If you both do, then use the second three months of dating to see if you want monogamy with each other. It’s way too soon to be discussing marriage. 😉 And it’s also way too soon to be discussing love. Take the pressure of yourself by just getting to know each other. Marriage is a big deal so don’t rush things.

If, however, you are afraid to date her because she may quit if she doesn’t like your behavior or your feelings — you’re focusing on your fear, not the relationship. Any relationship where you make decisions based on fear, is not going to be healthy or go the distance.

I hope that helps!

[Sally]

What’s happening right now isn’t fair to her. You didn’t choose her freely — you chose her out of fear, comfort, and convenience. That matters. She’s planning a future based on feelings you don’t actually share, and that gap will only hurt more the longer it goes on.

You can’t build real love on guilt or obligation. And marriage shouldn’t be a solution to work contracts, family help, or lust. That kind of setup usually ends with resentment on both sides.
Can people grow into love sometimes? Yes. But not when the foundation is pretending. Not when one person is all-in and the other is unsure.
The kindest thing is to be honest now, even if it hurts. Waiting will hurt her more later.

You’re not a bad person for not loving her. You’d be wrong to keep letting her believe you do.

[Author]

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