[sadlyloosnhim]

For the last couple of months my boyfriend and i seem to b struggling with maintaining our relationship. In the past he’s repeatedly forgiven me for holding on to and getting a hold of ex-boyfriends, flirting, and lying to him countless times. I took up a change just recently and let go of all my exes and cut down on the lying and leaving out things but something still remains…he brought to my attention that i have a staring problem. He claims that i tend to slow down when we’re walking down the street so i could scope out other guys. He believes that it is just another aspect of my cry for attention. I’m not sure why i do it and can’t seem to stop. How can i get rid of my staring habit and finally respect our relationship because I want us to be able to go out and have fun and not worry about what direction I’m looking in or who i am looking at.

[tricia]

The problem was in YOU. Because of your attitude and action your boyfriend won’t be secured at all. You won’t gain a trust from him if you will continue these things. Make him feel that his the only guy in the world and no one could replace him

[Ask April Masini]

Good for you for wanting to make a change for the better. The first way to deal with this problem of scoping out other guys and staring at them is to be aware of the problem. Really be aware of it. Try to notice how many times a day you do this. I know this sounds simple, but to really master the problem you have to be super aware of yourself. Check in with yourself every five or ten minutes when you’re out and about and ask yourself, “Am I staring? How about now?”

Once you’re aware of the problem, you can deal with it most effectively.

Then you have to just stop doing it. This is a discipline. It’s very hard for a lot of people to stop doing something — like eating carbs or sitting around like a slug and start going to the gym — for you it’s not staring at other guys. Just look away. In fact, if you see a guy or a group of guys walking your way, look down. Watch your feet, check your watch, text a girlfriend — do anything but look [i]at the guy[/i].

For many people those two steps are enough:

1. Recognize the problem.

2. Employ discipline to stop doing what you don’t want to be doing.

For other people, knowing the cause behind the problem helps them to change their behavior. For instance, if the reason you’re looking at other guys is that you’re secretly (maybe even subconsciously) hoping to catch their eye and elicit an approving once over, a wolf whistle or some other form of sexual attention, then you need to ask yourself why you need this from someone other than your boyfriend.

If the answer is maybe you’re not getting enough attention from your boyfriend, he could step up and help with this problem by giving you more romantic and sexual attention. Love letters, flowers, chocolates, romantic dates — whatever works for you and he — could solve the problem. If you’re getting enough attention from him you may not need it elsewhere. Is he generous with his compliments and attentions?

If the answer is that you have a self esteem deficit that stems from your childhood, then you’re the one who has to do the work on yourself, start changing your life so that you accomplish more and recognize your accomplishments as those of a real winner. Then you have to understand that the winner is you! And that you don’t need to look to men you don’t know for “hits” of self esteem. You can get it from within.

[Ethan Morales]

April’s “make him chase you” angle is transactional and fluffy. It might work short-term for sparking interest, but it’s not a sustainable way to build the kind of relationship you say you want: steady, present, and moving forward. You want urgency with stability, not games that force emotional whiplash.

Here’s the real issue: you and he have different expectations about pace and presence. He’s said he wants something but also that he “knows” when he’s in love. That’s vague and passive. You can’t build a life on astrology. If you want more, you need to trade implied signals for explicit conversation. Ask him plainly: what does “seeing each other in a relationship” mean to you in concrete terms frequency of dates, exclusivity, timeline for commitment, how much contact on travel weeks, etc. If he’s serious, he’ll answer. If he dodges, that’s information, not negotiation.

Practical moves you can make right now: 1) Before either of you leaves town, schedule a short “state of us” conversation not in the middle of romance, not as an ambush, just a calm check-in. 2) Agree on contact expectations for the trips (e.g., two quick texts a day or one nightly call). 3) Set a 30–60 day window to reassess whether the current pace is working for both of you. Concrete windows force accountability; vague feelings don’t.

Don’t confuse comfort for commitment. Being comfortable is great until it becomes complacency. You can be warm and present without being a doormat. Show him you have a life and standards: keep your plans, don’t cancel your priorities to slot into his schedule, and let him step up if he wants you. That’s not “playing hard to get.” That’s having boundaries.

Finally, avoid ultimatums that sound like threats (“If you don’t love me by X I’m leaving”). Instead use calibrated language that invites clarity: “I like what we have and I want to see it move forward. I need to know whether you’re willing to try making time for us regularly. Can we agree on what that looks like for the next month?” That’s direct, adult, and puts the ball back in his court without theatrics.

[Natalie Noah]

It sounds like the staring isn’t really about other men it’s about something happening inside you. When someone repeatedly seeks attention outside their relationship, even in small ways like lingering glances, it usually comes from a deeper need for validation or reassurance. Sometimes it’s an old habit born from insecurity, or a pattern you learned long before this boyfriend ever entered your life. What matters is that you’re becoming aware of it now. That awareness is powerful, because once you can see your own behavior clearly, you can start changing it intentionally rather than out of reflex.

If you want to break this habit, the first step is catching yourself in the moment checking in with your own mind and asking, “What am I looking for right now?” Then comes the discipline of redirecting: look down, look away, focus on your boyfriend, or even focus on your own thoughts instead of scanning for outside attention. But the deeper, more lasting work is building your self-esteem so you aren’t relying on the world around you to feel attractive, wanted, or worthy. When you feel secure in yourself and emotionally nourished in your relationship, the urge to seek attention fades naturally. And that’s what will bring peace back into this relationship not punishment, but understanding, self-awareness, and real inner growth.

[Author]

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