[Teri78]

Hallo,

I have been divorced for almost 4 years. I have met this guy on one of the dating sides. We have extremely strong connection from the beginning. Long conversations for 5 hours a day and we still do we can talk about anything. So we have met after a week of text messages and calls and started dating. Always had a great time. It has been a year and a half now. But a year ago he left overseas for his work so we are having a long distance relationship if you can say that. I have notices with time he changed a lot. I can see that he more involved and started to talking about marriage and kids and having family together. But there are some things that bothers me and I don’t know what they can mean since I don’t have much experience dating also times have changes. First of all I have never met any of his friends or family member. He said he is not on fb. He never come to visit me for any of the holidays never even send me card or flowers on my birthday. Please if you can give me any advice or hint I would be very grateful. Thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

You have good instincts! 😉 If a guy is truly serious about you, he’ll introduce you to his family and friends and want to spend holidays with you. In other words, he’ll start acting like a couple. It sounds like the long distance component of this relationship may have created some loneliness for him, and he may be wanting the commitment because he’s lonely, not because he’s really ready to get married. Not sending you a card or a gift for your birthday is very odd — it indicates that you’re not that important to him, as a person. And in answer to your question — I don’t think he is serious about you as a person.

I would hate to see you waste your time, and since it’s been four years since your divorce and a year and a half of this relationship which doesn’t seem like it’s moving in the right direction, I think you should consider dating someone who is local, not long distance, as well someone who’s more interested in you as a person, not as a a cure for loneliness .

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Teri78]

Thank you so much. That is exactly what I was thinking. I did confronted him about it but he always was giving me all kind of excuses like, ” oh my family is not ready”, ” I have to be sure” and so on… or simply he said I just make a big drama about it… Another reason I was thinking I am not that important is the presents subject… And I do not request diamonds every day but I do think gift show how much the guy care and for example he many many times said he was so busy he didn’t get me anything or the best one the fridge magnets ???!!!!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS??!!!!! thank you so much I just needed some validation on that and just to make sure I am not making drama. Also question just to check what is the best way to say someone is cheating on you??

[AskApril Masini]

The clues that a boyfriend is cheating on you may include instances where he never picks up your call, he only calls you back or he’s never available for holidays — or if he is, only for limited times starting at 9 pm or 10 pm. You may see a change in his behavior — for instance, he’ll suddenly take an interest in his appearance. However, if you’re talking about yourself, since you’re in a long distance relationship, it’s very difficult to know if he’s cheating — or to assume he isn’t dating other people if you’re not seeing each other regularly. Long distance relationships have different rules than in town relationships and you have to relax a lot of your standards that you’d normally have for in town dating relationships. Let me know if you have any specific questions.

[Teri78]

Thank you so much. Actually what you saying I experiencing meaning, he never I mean never answer my call he calls me, he never look or answer any phone call or text when he is with me. Also he is always in rush always have to go somewhere never stay with my all day. Also recently I have noticed when we talk over the phone he call me always at the exact same time of a day, he started going to the gym everyday and telling me he has business dinner meeting almost every night so he cannot text me so basically telling me don’t bother him…. Do you think those things can be a sign that he is seeing someone else? Thank you for any advice .

[AskApril Masini]

I thin there’s a good chance that he is — in addition to which, the two of you met on a dating site, which means he’s using dating sites, and dating sites offer lots and lots and lots of competition. When people are very comfortable with online dating, it’s very easy to line up dates. If he’s been overseas for a year, and you haven’t seen him in a year, I think it’s extremely likely that he’s dating.

[Teri78]

I did saw hem a few times he visited me but like I said not during important holidays and that makes me sad and disappointed. Also he does call me almost everyday. I guess I am confused and I can feel there is something wrong but it is hard to face it….

[AskApril Masini]

Trust your instincts and keep your eye on the ball. If you want to remarry or have an in-town, committed relationship, it doesn’t sound like he’s the one. If you want to have someone who’s there sometimes, but isn’t the guy you count on, he may just be that. I think that this moment in time is an opportunity for you to figure out what you really want and go for it — even if it means shifting your focus elsewhere. 😉

[Teri78]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[Teri78]

And I would like to ask you is it a good idea to confront him? Ask him some questions? And if yes what kind and doesn’t it really make any difference? I forgot to mention is said he is planning to move back here permanently at the end of April but he only said that and with not really keep his words in the past I don’t know if I should believe it or not. Thank you

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome! 🙂

And in response to your new questions, I don’t think you should confront him — after all, what’s the point? You’ll just push him away and/or get engaged in an argument. At some point, you have to decide to disengage. Everybody has their own timeline when they’re ready to do this, so the sooner you decide not to confront him, the further along on that timeline you’ll be!

[Sally]

It’s understandable that you’re confused, because emotionally this connection feels strong. Long conversations and talking about marriage and kids can make it feel very real.

But after a year and a half, the things that are missing matter. Someone who is serious usually finds ways to include you in their real life, even from a distance.
Not meeting any friends or family, never visiting on holidays, and not doing small things like a birthday card or flowers aren’t small oversights they’re signs of emotional distance.

Talking about a future is not the same as building one. Before you invest any more of yourself, it’s fair to ask for real steps, not just words.
If he can’t show up in concrete ways, then as painful as it is, that tells you where you truly stand.

[Member]

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