[Lost85]

We have been together for a little over two years now. We do live together, and for 3 years in a row now he has done nothing for my birthday. Only one of the 3 years he got me a card and it was a humorous one. He did take me to dinner this year but otherwise nothing. He stays out late and gets drunk with his friends and I come home early with the kids because I don’t drink due to medications I take and my brother is a recovering addict and I see what it does and I don’t ever want to become that and I want to be in my right mind to care for the children. We have got into a huge fight every year on my birthday because I feel he doesn’t appreciate me and never thinks about anyone besides himself. He can’t drive and doesn’t have a vehicle because of multiple dwi’s and blames that for the reason he didn’t get anything. However we go places all the time and any of his friends would be willing to take him somewhere if he would just ask. I have told him time and time again how important is is to me and also told him over a month ago i wanted family pictures because we don’t have any pictures together after 2 years of being together. But he always comes home with a 12 pack of beer and 2 packs of cigarettes every day, so I feel he just isn’t prioritizing correctly. Am I being petty for expecting something on my birthday? There are many more issues but he says he cares but where I come from actions speak louder than words! Lost

[AskApril Masini]

It sounds like your birthday was a trigger for your because of bigger problems in the relationship. If this was just about your birthday, I’d suggest that you take the lead and ask him to take you shopping for your birthday or show him something you want and ask him to buy it for you or ask him to pick up a cake — some people would be fine with a funny card or dinner at a restaurant, and it takes some time for couples to get their “birthday needs” met, if they have different historical traditions…. but it sounds like there’s more going on here than just your birthday. 😕

He’s got a drinking problem and you’re trying to live a sober life — that’s a big gap in lifestyles! You want family pictures and meaningful birthdays and he’s resistant. After two years together, it’s pretty clear that he’s not who you want in a partner and you’re banging your head against the wall trying to get him to be someone he’s not. I can feel your frustration, but the ball is really in your court. You’re not married. It’s only been two years together — I think it’s time to get out and find a partner who is compatible with what you want for yourself and your kids. I hope that helps. 🙂

[Sally]

It’s not really about the birthday. It’s about feeling invisible in your own home. When someone loves you, they pay attention to the things that matter to you. They don’t have to buy something huge they just show they thought about you. And he’s had three years, plus your reminders, plus easy chances to try. He just… didn’t.

What really hits me is how he always finds a way to get beer and cigarettes, but somehow can’t find a way to pick up a small gift, or ask a friend for a ride, or plan one thoughtful thing. That tells you it’s not ability it’s effort.

You’re not being petty. You’re noticing a pattern. And it hurts because you want him to show up for you the way you show up for everyone else.
You’re not asking for much. You’re just asking to matter.

[Tara]

You’re not “lost.” You’re exhausted from carrying on a relationship with a man who behaves like an overgrown teenager with a drinking problem, no accountability, and zero respect for you or your birthday, your home, or your sanity. And the fact that you’re even asking whether you’re being “petty” tells me how low your standards have sunk.

Expecting your partner to acknowledge your existence once a year is not petty; it’s the bare minimum. He can remember his beer and cigarettes every single day, but somehow, your birthday is too complicated? Please.

Let’s be clear: birthdays aren’t the issue. His entire lifestyle is the issue. Multiple DWIs. No car. Still prioritizing alcohol over his family. Coming home with a 12-pack and smokes daily, but acting like getting you a card is too much effort.

Staying out late, getting wasted, while you go home early to take care of the kids because you’re the only adult between you. This isn’t a partner. This is a liability you let live in your house.

And the “I couldn’t get anything because I can’t drive” excuse is laughable. He has friends to drive him anywhere he wants when it benefits him. He just doesn’t care enough to use that help for you. He’s not forgetful. He’s not struggling. He’s not “bad on occasion.” He just doesn’t prioritize you. When a man wants to show up, he finds a way. When he doesn’t, he finds excuses, and he’s drowning you in them.

[Member]

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