[Tonio]

Hello. I’m nineteen and in college. I have a friend who I’ll call “B,” that I would like to date, but she has a boyfriend. She, another friend and myself get lunch together a lot, and she has let us know on a few occasions that she’s not in the perfect relationship. For example, she’s said they never do anything new, and they’ve been together “four long years.” I kinda get the feeling that she wants to leave her boyfriend when she says things like that. However, she’s tried to set me up on a blind date with one of her friends twice. The last blind date was at the girl’s birthday party, which I thought was a little awkward. B said she’d give me a ride so it wouldn’t be weird, which I don’t see how that would help. She told me her boyfriend would be riding with us. B has also invited me to her own birthday party, and her boyfriend was also there. I did not attend either of these events due to the extreme awkwardness in both situations. I’m having a hard time trying to find out if she’s interested in me or not. She says those things about her boyfriend, hangs out with my friend and I all the time, and she even said she’d go to the movies with us (no boyfriend). On the other hand, she tries to set me up with blind dates, and put me in weird situations (dating the girl at her birthday party and riding with B and her boyfriend, as well as inviting me to her party, where I’m sure her boyfriend would be wondering why I was there). Should I find out more about her current relationship? Should I tell her I’m interested in her and not her friends? Should I just wait and see what happens? Any suggestions?

[Tonio]

So last night I got tired of wondering. I sent her the following message:

I need to come clean with you about something. The main reason I did not come to your party or your friend’s is because I have feelings for you, and it doesn’t feel right for me to hang out anywhere with you and your boyfriend. I know you’ve been with Ben for four years, so I’m sure he’s a great guy. The last thing I want to do is screw up your relationship. I just had to let you know.

I guess now all there is to do is wait.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She’s not acting like she’s interested in you as more than a friend. My advice would have been that rather than sending her a note to tell her your feelings, you ask her out on a date and see if she goes. If she does, then she’s interested in dating you. If she doesn’t, she isn’t.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Tonio]

I think she’s in the process of figuring things out for herself now. She’s agreed to go to the movies with my friend and I, but I never asked her out on a date because she has a boyfriend. After my message, she said she didn’t know what to say, but she was glad I let her know. I told her she didn’t need to say anything, I just wanted her to know. Then she asked how long I’ve had feelings for her, and I told her I thought she was awesome since we started hanging out, but it was fairly recent that I realized I had feelings for her. We had class today, and she acted a little distant. She talked a little, but she didn’t wait up for me to walk to our second class like normal. Also, I know she and her boyfriend went to the movies this weekend. I asked her how her weekend went, and she said, “Nothing special, what about you?” I think her boyfriend is a jerk to her most of the time. On one of her Facebook statuses they were arguing about the movie they saw. He said there was sex all through it and it was funny. She said it wasn’t any good, to which he responded, “It was alright.” Then she said, “I don’t think so. It didn’t have any point.” Anyway, I know she has to be going through a lot. Her parents are sick, and the doctors think they may have cancer. She’s got a lot of school stuff going on, including being an ambassador, and now she can add me to that list. I told her I didn’t want to screw up her relationship (in case she was enjoying it). I think the best thing for me to do is let her figure out things for her self. I’m not acting any differently toward her. What do you think?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think it’s time for you to butt out of her life. You’ve already decided not to ask her out because she has a boyfriend. You’ve also said you don’t want to complicate her relationship. So stop telling her your feelings and start focusing on other people and interests.

Just because you have a feeling doesn’t mean you should act on it. It’s okay to have a crush on her and do nothing about it, but it’s not okay to spend so much time thinking about her and and talking to her when she’s in a relationship that you have decided to let be.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Tonio]

I don’t want to screw up her relationship, but from the way she acts it seems as if she doesn’t like her boyfriend much. Likewise, I don’t want to screw up our friendship. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to take our friendship to the next level, but I don’t want her to think I’m forcing anything on her. I assume by “butt out of her life” you mean I shouldn’t even talk to her any more. Do you think it’s wrong for me to pursue her if she says she really isn’t happy with her boyfriend? Do you really think the best thing for me to do is to completely stop talking to her?

[Tonio]

You proposed that I should have just asked her out on a date instead of tell her my feelings. In other words, completely ignore her boyfriend and go for her anyway? Do you think that would work? You also said “it’s not okay to spend so much time thinking about her and and talking to her when she’s in a relationship that you have decided to let be.” Do you mean if I really want to date her I shouldn’t worry about her current relationship?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you don’t want to ask her out because she has a boyfriend, and you don’t want to screw up her relationship, you have to stop seeing her and move on. You can’t have it both ways. 😕

You’re trying to twist everything in every direction instead of being clear with yourself — and her.

Read the book I’ve written for men, Date Out of Your League, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], so you understand more how to win with women. After you’ve read it, let me know if it helps.

Good luck! 😀

[Tonio]

Update: B isn’t acting distant any more. However, she is still giving me signs that something’s up. They’re not clear signals now. For example, she likes the song “Pray for You” by Jaron and the Long Road to Love. In the song, he says “I’ll pray for you,” but he’s praying that bad things happen to the person. Two days ago, B said she’s been singing that a lot lately. Before I could find out what she meant, she logged off. She usually only says things like this on Facebook, not in person. This could be because we’re never alone. It seems like just as she gets the courage to come out with something, she backs down. Can someone tell me what to do?! Is she looking for some kind of signal from me? I still kinda flirt with her, but I try to be as non-threatening as possible. Maybe I’m not being clear enough… I mean, the worse that could happen is she tells me she’s not interested in me. I’m not dead set on getting this girl. I just want to know if she has any kind of feelings toward me, because it would be awesome to date her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Then ask her out!

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