[ufdc25]

My girlfriend and I were together for almost 5 years. We spent the first 3 years in a long distance relationship but we saw each other every weekend during that time. After 3 years, I moved to her city to attend grad school and we still live in the same town today.

I am now a working professional and she is a PhD student. In May, she took a 3 month internship with a hospital in another city. In June, she called me and abruptly ended our relationship. She told me it was because she was always going to put her career over me. I wanted to talk it over because I did not think it was as big of deal as she was making it out to be but she refused. She was under a tremendous amount of pressure that week so I gave her some time alone to settle down. We finally spoke again on the phone and she simply said she didn’t want to talk about our split but that she knew she wasn’t the girl who was going to make me happy. She has dismissive-avoidant attachment issues the developed from her relationship with her parents – a strong desire for independence, will not ask for help, increasingly became less intimate as our relationship got more serious and would never talk about her feelings.

We were both very much in love and very happy. When I moved closer, we maintained our boundaries very well. During this time we talked about getting married and both of us wanted that. After I graduated our boundaries were compromised because I had more free time to spend with her. This is the point where she gradually started becoming more distant and rigid. The more affection I started to show, the worse it got.

I can’t help but believe that if she would open up and address the attachment issues that we could go back to being the happy couple that we used to be. I don’t know if she is aware of the way she is or if she is too insecure or uninterested to talk about it. Should I try to pursue a discussion with her or should I leave it alone and move on? I know we can’t be together if she can’t change but she means so much to me (and I know that I did to her) that I don’t want to throw in the towel without trying but I also don’t want to cause anymore distress. She was picking out our children’s names and arranging for our parents to meet a few weeks before she left for the summer. She assured me that there is no one else and I believe her. Any advice at all would be much appreciated!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He would be perfect if he was a banker. She would be perfect if she wanted children. He would be perfect if he didn’t live in a different country. These are all things I hear from people who need relationship help because they’ve fallen in love with someone’s[i] potential.[/i]

I know you want her to make some changes, but these aren’t changes like getting her to pick up her clothes in the bedroom more often, or getting her to stop leaving the cap off the toothpaste. You’re wanting her to make personality changes. 😕 There are fewer things more futile than trying to will someone else to change! In fact, behavior modification works only when the other person is interested in either making the changes or avoiding the consequences of NOT making the changes.

Your girlfriend of five years isn’t interested in either of those things. 😳 It sounds like she’s changing her future plans, and sadly, they don’t include a relationship with you any more. I don’t think there’s much harm of trying to discuss this with her if you can get some questions answered, but I don’t think the discussion is going to change her mind. It sounds like this long term relationship is coming to an end. 🙁

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[ufdc25]

Unfortunately, I think you are correct but unless you think it’s completely crossing the line of descent behavior I may try because it wasn’t that long ago that she was my perfect girl and we were both very happy. There was no “if only” and “potential,” she was it. We did everything together and we have too many things in common.

My intention for this is not to try to convince her to get back together; I just want to explore the possibility so I don’t go through life wondering if things may have been different if I had said something. I am a reasonable person and I understand if she wants to go in a different direction but I don’t know if she is aware of her attachment issue. I had similar problems with my parents and once I realized that it was the source of a lot of misery in my life, I was eager to change and I still am trying to this day.

Some more of our story if you care to read: We only talked about our split on the phone very briefly twice while she was away and those conversations were not good. She came back two weeks ago and we finally talked face to face and it was the best conversation we ever had. I was finally getting closure and then, towards the end, she asked the question, “where do we go from here?” I knew what I wanted, which was to spend time apart but continue talking and see what happens naturally but was hesitant to answer. We never answered the question because I made a foolish comment. I told her how upset I was thinking about her with another man while she was gone and I mentioned the story of how we met (we slept with each other too early). She became upset and asked me to leave. She was promiscuous before we met and I know it has to do with her self-esteem and nothing to do with her enjoyment of sex. It never bothered me but she thinks I view her poorly because of it. I don’t. We have not spoken since.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your asking her questions to get a better idea of what went wrong. I’m not sure how receptive she’ll be since she may not view this is advantageous for her, and she may not want to spend the time on this, but there’s no real harm in giving it a try since the relationship appears to be coming to an end anyway. 😳 It’s always important to figure out why you choose the people you do when dating so that you can learn and evolve. Learning about yourself through dating is a measure of your success and will lead you to the doorstep of Ms. Right.

You’re right that sleeping together too soon is a problem because it clouds your judgment. The first three months of dating should be devoted to figuring out if this is someone you want to commit your time and energy to. Most people don’t take this dating period seriously, but it’s crucial.

Let me know how it goes, and if you get a moment, I’d appreciate it if you’d write a review of my advice on a Google site: [url]https://maps.google.com/maps?hl=en&cp=27&gs_id=2y&xhr=t&q=naples+relationship+experts&qe=bmFwbGVzLCByZWxhdGlvbnNoaXAgZXhwZXJ0&qesig=5ePSxsE58_ATGEuiBgQXBQ&pkc=AFgZ2tmr1hK_bEnl96XNDnJhv9fPLrTKomuzIeMJVjHRz9Sh9HZMoY9APtQAsdBc0TSgnT-Q2gdku4yZ5fY88T1qCyX7FqZCkg&gs_sm=&gs_upl=&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.&biw=988&bih=536&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wl[/url]. Just scroll down — I’m on the second page of experts — and leave me a review.

Thanks so much and remember to follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 🙂

[ufdc25]

Here is a brief description of my ex.

Avoidant Attachment Disorder: These individuals have a dismissing state of mind with respect to attachment. They typically experienced caregivers as unnurturing, dismissive and critical. Avoidant adults are uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy, they are emotionally distant and uncomfortable expressing needs or asking for help. They avoid conflict and tend to be passive-aggressive and sarcastic. They don’t want to rely on anyone, fearing dependency or a perception of being weak. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.

That describes her exactly. I have tried to get her to talk to me and needless to say, she will not. I will keep trying but I am not going to force the issue. Thank you for your advice!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome. 😀

[ufdc25]

Update:
Since my ex asked me to leave her house during the only face-to-face conversation we had since the break up, she will not answer my calls. I refuse to drop by her house uninvited because I think that would be inappropriate… it would, right?

She will respond to text messages, so that is how we have been communicating. She says she is no longer upset with me and the comment I made… Here is the problem, I told her I want to talk to her to about the “where do we go from here question” that she asked during our last face-to-face and MAYBE talk to her about the attachment thing. I’ve tried to make it as easy as possible for her by inviting her to meet me at places where it would be very easy for her to leave if she were uncomfortable but she refuses. Every time i ask, she responds with things like “thanks but I don’t think that’s a good idea,” or “We don’t have anything to talk about.”

If that’s how she really feels I can respect that but I don’t think it is… you get to know someone very well when you spend every day for five years talking to them. When she responded with “we don’t have anything to talk about” I asked her to please be direct and tell me that she doesn’t want to speak or see me anymore so that it’s clear to me. She didn’t say that… Her response was that if we do it now someone will end up mad. I told her that there is nothing that can make me mad… not another guy, nothing and asked if not now, then when?

Her response was “I don’t know” and then she starting ignoring me again.

To sum it all up, When I ask to get together she says no and when I ask her to be direct and tell me that she doesn’t want anything to do with me she won’t say it. I want to start meeting new people but her refusal to say get lost is keeping me from focusing 100% of myself on someone else. I don’t want to give up on the last five years if she thinks things can change. What is going on? What do I do?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not listening to her and you’re not listening to me. 😳

You keep writing that she isn’t being direct with you. 😯 She couldn’t be MORE direct if she took out a neon sign that said, “It’s over.”

* She called you and told you it was over.

* She kicked you out of the house.

* She won’t respond to anything but text messages from you any more.

* She doesn’t want to get together to discuss things.

What about her behavior isn’t direct??? ❓

You may have diagnosed her with a disorder — but frankly, so what? This is who she is, and adults decide how to live their own lives because of how THEY feel about things — not what you think is right for her. I hope this isn’t too hard on you, but I think you need to really address the answer to your original question, “Is there any hope?” No. There is no hope for reconciliation. It’s over. You should get over the pain of the break up the healthiest ways possible and move on with your life. I know it’s difficult because this was a long term relationship, but you can do it. 🙂

[ufdc25]

Thanks for the honest response. We talked. I told her how I thought she was avoiding talking because it made her uncomfortable, not because she didn’t want to. I also told her about the attachment issues that I noticed. [u]She agreed with both [/u]and told me that she knows she has an avoidant personality but that she is so overwhelmed with other things in her life that she doesn’t have the time or energy to focus on that. She also told me that she wasn’t sure if the break up was the right thing to do at first. It was an impulsive decision that she made because of all the stress she was under. She needed to be alone and didn’t know how to tell me so she panicked and ended the relationship.

In the end we both agree that breaking up was the best thing that could have happened right now. We learned more about each other in the last 2months that we did during our five years together and we both feel a sense of relief being alone. I apologized for ignoring her messages but I am glad that I was persistent.

as far as getting over the pain, there isn’t as much as I thought there would be. Don’t get me wrong, I am sad – I miss talking to her and a lot of the things that we did together but I don’t feel heartbroken. I was in a relationship with someone that I was in love with that lasted only a year and it took me almost a year to get over it. I hope that just means that I am getting older and more secure with relationships…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad you feel better about things. 😀

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