[Nicole123]

I am a 34 year old white woman and have been married for 6 years. My husband and I are about the same age. I met my husband early in college and started dating a few years later. He was my first real serious boyfriend and we dated for almost 8 years before getting married. He has in most respects my only real lover and partner. He is a fantastic man who takes care of me and my needs. About a year ago, I met a younger black man aged 25 at the health club that I work. It started out very professional as I am a trainer, but he quickly began showering me with attention and advances. About 6 months ago we hooked up and have had a energetic sexual relationship. As I was a virgin when I met my husband, this was all very new and exciting in many respects. I think the taboo of an interracial exchange added to it all. He is a very respectful young man and knew that I was married. While I will not lie and say the sex wasn’t great, he has taken a job abroad and will be moving away in about a months time. We mutually agreed that it was fun while it lasted, but there is no sensible or realistic future and will say our goodbyes shortly.

Here in lies the dilemna, with the closing of this experimental chapter, I have to ask if this is something better left quiet or do I take the high road and tell my husband since the relationship with the younger man will then be over? I feel like I have gotten a chance to experience something that I never did before meeting my husband and to that end, feel very satisfied. I can’t say that I think my husband would react well to this news. Is ingorance bliss?

[Nicole123]

April –

I just re-read my post and realized that perhaps I did not appropriately address the point of my consternation. I guess some people have said that it is better to address issues of straying or infidelity head on, while other advice has been to let “sleeping dogs lie”. I never got the chance to be with another man, and while i dont make that as an excuse for what I did, it is something that I consider behind me. While my husband was my first, i know the reciprocal was not true for me (to him). I felt like I always did the right thing throughout life, I was always the good girl…and this encounter with this young man was a chance to enjoy and be ‘bad’ for once in my life.

I’m really hoping to get some objective advice on whether this is something I should address with my husband head on, or since its done and over, it’s better to just suck it up and live with the internal emotional consequence. Its hard since I’ve heard from some people that unless there is something that can be gained out of divulging such past indescretions, its not worth saying. I’m really hoping for some advice. I dont think of myself to be a bad girl..quite the contrary over these years of always doing the right thing.

I just need some thoughts on the matter.

-N

[Ask April Masini]

This is one of those times when keeping quiet and resuming monogamy within marriage with your husband is the best course of action.

I don’t think that the reason you cheated on your husband had to do with your marriage as much as it had to do with you. You didn’t feel complete with your experience, and while what you did was definitely wrong and a betrayal, it’s over. Not only is it over, but it sounds like you are content and wanting to go back to your marriage with your husband and not cheat on him again.

However, having cheated, it is important that you really process what it is you learned about yourself from the affair. If wanting more sexual experience was a factor in your cheating, nurture the sex life you have with your husband and explore the parameters of sex with him. You should take a look at a book I’ve written for couples who want to put more spice in their bedrooms. It’s called Romantic Date Ideas, and you can buy it here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

If what you liked in the affair was intimacy, take another look at the intimacy you have (or don’t have 😕 ) with your husband, and try to reconnect and deepen the relationship you have with him, learning more about him, yourself and the two of you together, to feel more satisfied in your marriage.

If the intrigue of someone new was a factor in your cheating then try to get that new feeling in your own life by shaking up your routine — without straying from your marriage. A new job, a new home improvement project, an exciting trip, a class or something that will really make you happier to wake up and hit the ground running each day, may enhance your life in a way that the affair did.

Take this time, as well, to consider your own expectations for your marriage and the long term picture. You may find that you appreciate your husband because of the commitment he’s given you. Your affair sounds like it was something that both you and your lover agreed on as a short term fling. Sticking around for the long run has advantages that you won’t find in a short term lover or a fling. So re-enter your marriage with a renewed interest in nurturing it over the long run and understanding that commitment means sacrifice as well as benefit. Focus on balancing your ability to employ both those benefits of marriage as well as the sacrifices.

I hope that helps. Good luck.

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