[jaz1118]

So my boyfriend and i have been dating for a little over a year and a half. we have a great relationship but sometimes i feel that i cant forget certain things he has done in the past. About a year ago, my bf told me to go on his email and send something for him. As i logged in i saw that there was an email conversation between him and a female whom i knew was his ex girlfriend. naturally i was upset (he told me he didn’t keep in contact with her). Apparently her email sent several people spam and his email was one of them. So he decided to reply. He proceeded to ask her how she was doing, and how her daughter was doing (she had a 2 yr old when they started dating). And then told her he hopes shes doing well, he thinks of her often, and hopes to hear from her soon. I was so upset when i read the part of him thinking about her often, that i lost it, got angry and cried. But i didnt confront him because i knew if i did i would probably say something stupid and end it all. The emails continued and on his next couple emails she sent him her number. I later found out that they would talk on the phone and she would send him things about her schooling and ask for advice. Once i found out about the phone conversations i confronted him and he was shocked to hear that i knew. but of course didnt deny it either. he said that he agreed the first email from him sounded bad. And that she harassed him for a while, even called his house and spoke to his dad and also called his brother asking for him. Then he finally replied to her and thats when the phone conversations started. he told me that it was mainly just asking how they were doing and her asking about school. But he never once told me that they spoke. I told him i didnt feel comfortable with them talking because he was already acting so shady about it. and personally i dont think exes have any business talking to each other unless necessary. He still spoke to her a couple times after. And i also know they texted but he deleted all the conversations. so i never knew what they actually spoke about. After not hearing from him for a while (because he finally listened to me) she emailed him again and told him she moved to her own apartment and invited him over (she now lives about 20 mins away when she used to live 6 hrs away). he never replied. I told him he needed to speak to her and that if there was nothing going on she would understand why they couldnt keep talking. But he never did so she kept trying to reach him. So one night i texted her myself and told her who i was. she said she was sorry and that he never mentioned he had a girlfriend. she told me she would not contact him again and she was sorry. Yet she still tried again through email. He didnt have the balls to tell her to stop so he just changed his number to avoid issues. I felt he should have told her instead of trying to worry about upsetting her. This all happened about a year ago but lasted a couple months because she kept trying. i thought it was over until about 2 months ago, my boyfriends mom told me that her neice (my bfs cousin) was getting facebook requests from her over and over. and she messaged her asking for his new number and asking about him. She also emailed him again asking about advice for school because her two cousins wanted to go to nursing school at the teaching school/hospital my boyfriend used to work at. I feel like i get so angry when i think about it and i feel like there was much more that went on than just friendly conversation. AM i being stupid by still being upset. i just need help to get over this because i cant let this stupid girl control my thoughts. 👿

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you both?

[jaz1118]

I am 22 and he is 26

[jaz1118]

Also. She has a bf now that she’s been with since the beginning of this year I believe. (From her fb)

[jaz1118]

Also. She has a bf now that she’s been with since the beginning of this year I believe. (From her fb)

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like your boyfriend was involved with another woman around the six month mark of your dating him. That’s usually about the time in a relationship when I suggest you decide whether or not you want to be monogamous with someone. It sounds like whether or not he was having sex with her, he was interested in her. I think you got way too involved in their relationship instead of focusing on your relationship with him. Dating is competitive, and if your guy is looking elsewhere, instead of putting trying to put a leash on him, which never works, it’s always a good idea to figure out what it is he’s getting from other women, and see if you can meet his needs, yourself. Men stray when someone else makes them feel good about themselves or when they aren’t ready for a commitment. 😉

If you want to continue dating him, you have to look at your part in the relationship, instead of pointing fingers. I’m not sure what kind of commitment the two of you have — whether you’re engaged or living together — but if you’re just dating, you have to understand that dating means other women may be interested in him, and other men may be interested in you, too! 😉 Whether either one of you chooses to stay with each other, or look to someone else for dating, companionship and fun, is your choice. If you’re with someone who isn’t honest about things, then that’s good information because I bet you want a boyfriend who is honest. 🙂 But if he’s simply not ready for a commitment with you, and you’re reading in more of a commitment than he’s ready to offer, you’re going to see problems, where there are really just distractions.

I hope that helps. I know it’s difficult for you, and it’s hard to see the bigger picture sometimes.

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[jaz1118]

Thank you for your reply. I agree that I got too involved. But he is my first serious relationship. At the point when she came into the picture we were monogamous.i guess I was just confused as to why and what was going on. I know they weren’t physically involved because she lived about 6 hrs away at the time. Until recently she moved back. But she was an ex gf of his and I guess that’s why the whole situation really bothered me. Thank you for your advice! ☺

[jaz1118]

Thank you for your help! At the time she came along we were already in a monogamous relationship. He is my first serious relationship and I guess I was just thrown off at the time because our relationship was fairly new and the most disturbing part to me was that she was his ex. Although I do know they weren’t physically involved because she lived about 6 hours away at the time until recently she contacted him when she moved back. I agree I got too involved but I went into defense mode.

[Ask April Masini]

I appreciate your comment that he was your first boyfriend, and you don’t have a lot of experience, so you went into “defense mode”, but this is a great opportunity to look at that, and to understand that at six months of dating someone, the way to defend a relationship or your own interests, isn’t to tell him what to do and what not to do. Instead, give him reason to stay with you, given the competition. 😉 Whether you were monogamous with him, or not, your commitment was still just a dating commitment. You weren’t living together, engaged or married, and you’re both free (and should!) reconsider the relationship so as not to waste your time if it’s not working for you. It sounds like he was testing the waters at the very least. I hope that this helps you sort things out. 😉

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[jaz1118]

I am a 22 year old woman and my boyfriend is 26. We have been together a little over 2 years now. A while back we were having a good conversation just talking about anything and everything. Somehow we got into to conversation of his 21st birthday when he told me it was the worst year of his life, he told me it was when him and his high school girlfriend broke up, she ended it after 4 years. I felt bad for him but i also felt there was a lot of emotions still there. He then said that he knew what it was like for people who have divorced and that even though they were not married or lived together or shared money, he still felt he went through a divorce. I think that him saying this kind of made me feel that he doesn’t take an actual marriage seriously if he considers himself divorced. I though it was rather dramatic, and it really upset me. So when it came up again he said that i just don’t understand because i haven’t gone through that. I wish i could just tell him something to make him see that it was his first girlfriend and it ended and he needs to get over it and that in no way did he go through a divorce. Am i being dramatic or is this something he doesn’t want to let go of?

[Ask April Masini]

Thank you for reposting your latest question in this string of posts from the summer. What I can see — and I hope you can, too, if you read the whole string of posts, is that this issue of your concern about his past relationship, is still brewing in your life, and has been for about six months, now. 😳 You’re very upset about his feelings for his ex-girlfriend, and you want him to feel differently than he does.

It would help if you could understand that feelings and behavior are different. Just because he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend, doesn’t mean he is going to act on them. However, if he does act on them, then you have different issues brewing.

In addition, telling him to get over it, or to be just like you, isn’t going to work, and it may backfire. 😉 Ultimatums in relationships are desperate measures that should be avoided. So, instead of telling him how he should feel, I’d ask you to look in the mirror and ask yourself if you can’t change your feelings, instead of trying to get him to change his. 😉 This is a two way street, and if you want to continue dating someone who is still getting over his ex, you should. But if you don’t, then you should address that issue now, instead of pointing a finger at him. Ultimately, this is your issue not his — and I know you want things to be different, but blaming him, and trying to get him to be different is less effective than looking at yourself, and asking yourself if you can change, and if not, do you want to stay.

The advice I gave you back in July is still good advice: Dating is competitive, and your best line of defense is a good offense, and that offense is to compete for him. If you want him to want you, then make yourself want-able! Allure and entice him and be the best girlfriend he’s EVER had. 😉 If you’ve really tried that, and you can’t stand to be with someone who’s getting over a long-time ex, then consider that the two of you are not compatible.

The bottom line here is that you have choices — but giving him an ultimatum or trying to make him see things your way, is not going to work. 😉

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[jaz1118]

Thank you for your reply! The previous post was with another ex girlfriend of his. I worked through that and realized that i was overreacting and it was not ok for him to reach out to her, but i understood why. This newest question was referring to another ex girlfriend of his, his first. She had never come up until recently which was when he stated the whole “divorce” issue. So my question was referring to a whole different situation. I just wanted your opinion on the fact that he considered it a divorce instead of just a breakup. 😕

[jaz1118]

I also didn’t mean it as giving him an ultimatum, but i meant what should i do to help him truly get over it.

[Ask April Masini]

I understand why you don’t see what you’re doing as giving him an ultimatum — and as long as you’re willing to be flexible and not rigid in telling him to get over his feelings for her, then it isn’t one. 😉 It just sounded like you were very clear about what was right and wrong — when it came to his feelings, almost bordering on black and white — and when you tell a person to get over someone, you’re backing them against a wall with no other options. It’s not an ultimatum in the way you can say, “If you don’t do this, this other thing will happen,” — but it can still come off as threatening. Hope that explains my thoughts to you.

I was also trying to help you focus on [i]you[/i], not him, because the reality is that this is your problem, not his. If he thinks that a break up is like a divorce, that’s his prerogative. You’re focusing on the word “divorce” because you think that since he wasn’t married, he can’t feel divorced, but what he’s trying to tell you by using the word “divorce” is that they were very, very close, and the break up was very painful for him, and still is. Those are his feelings. Whether his break up is equivalent to the pain in a divorce is really a silly question because some break ups are worse and more painful than divorces, while others aren’t — it just depends on the people, the relationships and the break ups. What you do know is that you don’t like the fact that he feels like his break up with an ex is like a divorce, and is very painful — but it’s your problem not his. It’s not something he needs to get over — it’s something you need to get over or work through. 😉

Many times people write me about friends, spouses or boyfriends and girlfriends, but the simple fact that they’re the ones who are writing, really means that this is their problem, not the boyfriend’s. 😉

I hope that helps.

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[jaz1118]

yes it does totally make sense. He is that way, he is a very emotional person. It is easy for me to worry and feel i am competing with the memory of someone else since he mentions these things every so often in conversation. I wrote because i wanted to know your opinion on the topic as to whether this is something he seems to not be over, and for me it was never an issue until that conversation came up. I spoke to a therapist about this once and she said that in our world now, marriage doesn’t hold the same value it used too and for him he did go through a divorce, just not a technical “divorce”. Which makes sense, i have very traditional values where marriage is a big deal, but in a world where divorce is so prevalent and marriage comes as casually as anything, its hard to understand those ideas.

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