[Ask April Masini]

Whenever you date someone, it’s an opportunity to see things differently because that person brings their own values and points of view into your life. It sounds like you’re working this one through. 😀

When you first wrote you mentioned that he made this comment in one conversation, and that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s not over her. It could mean that he’s feeling close enough to you to explain his intimate feelings to you in an effort to let you get to know him. In other words, if he just brought it up once or twice, or as a way to work through his past with you, that’s not necessarily a problem – unless it is for you. The way to tell if a guy is not over an ex is if he continually and regularly brings her up, and her “presence” in the relationship creates an obstacle to the two of you being together. It doesn’t sound like this is happening in your relationship. I think you just got stuck on the idea of his comparing their break up to a divorce.

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[jaz1118]

Thank you so much for your help. I guess I just didn’t know how to know whether he was truly over her. In our two years of being together he has brought her up several times, mostly if we were somewhere where he remembered something (usually a fight since they apparently fought a lot). But I also understand that they were a part of each others lives for four years and he’s lived in the same town so he told me that he was over it but it’s just there’s reminders of those times all around him. So we are planning moving in together and I think maybe it would be best to start in a new town where we can build our own memories.i also have another question, there are a few things his mom made for him like this quilt she had made when he first became a volunteer firefighter. On the backside it has photos of him and her together. Do you think it would be too much to ask for him to not put it up in our new place, its currently pinned on the wall in the office room in his parents house. I don’t feel very comfortable with it, not for him to get rid of it but maybe keep it in a different spot?

[Ask April Masini]

It’s very normal for people who have had relationships — whether dating, living together or marriages (singular or plural) — to still have all kinds of feelings for an ex, [b][i]and[/i][/b] be able to move on into healthy, happy relationships. Relationships aren’t black and white, and just because one starts, doesn’t mean all feelings from others cease. There is overlap. It may take him a decade to process his break up with the ex, but he can still be in a healthy, happy relationship with you while he’s doing so. What you have to decide is if you can be in a relationship with someone who has a past. If you can’t, then you should find someone who is compatible, and if you think you can, then consider this an opportunity for you to work on your feelings and your relationship skills. 😉

As for the quilt with photos of his ex on it, I wouldn’t say anything about it now — especially because you’ve been working with him on this issue. It may be a sore spot. Instead, give him the opportunity to make a decision to take the quilt or not take the quilt, on his own. You may be pleasantly surprised that he decides not to take it — but if you preempt his ability to make that decision by giving him directions now, you’ve cheated him and yourself. 😉 If you move in together, and he brings it, see what he does with it, and let him process what he wants to do with it. Just because he brings it to your new home, doesn’t mean that your relationship is in danger. 🙂 It just means that he’s still holding on to some memories. He may, eventually, decide to put it in the garage or a shed for storage, and that should be okay with you. This is going to be discipline for you, but I think it’s going to be a great exercise for you not to control the situation, and instead, allow him to make decisions on his own.

Overall, try not to control him or his decisions — or the relationship.

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[Ethan Morales]

Your feelings of jealousy and unease are understandable, but the situation is more about your boyfriend’s behavior and your boundaries than about his ex “controlling your thoughts.”

He repeatedly communicated with his ex, sometimes in secret (deleting texts, not telling you). Even if he claims it was “just friendly,” the fact that he hid it shows poor boundaries. Trust is built on transparency, and he broke that.

You tried to set limits and asked him to handle it directly. He avoided confrontation and used avoidance strategies (changing his number) rather than being honest. That’s another red flag about how he handles conflict and accountability.

Your ex-girlfriend’s behavior (pestering him repeatedly) is stressful, but she’s not the problem here your boyfriend’s actions and lack of clear boundaries are what triggered your stress.

Separate the ex from your relationship mentally. She doesn’t control your relationship he does. Focus on whether he respects you and your boundaries.

Communicate clearly: If you want to continue the relationship, you need to have a serious conversation with him about what is acceptable regarding exes. Example: “I’m uncomfortable with you maintaining secret contact with an ex. I need transparency and firm boundaries.”

Assess commitment: Ask yourself if he’s truly ready for a monogamous relationship. If he isn’t, staying invested will keep causing frustration and anxiety.

Protect your mental space: Stop replaying what the ex did. You can’t control her actions, but you can decide how much mental energy you give it.

You’re not “stupid” for being upset you’re reacting to a lack of honesty and respect. But if you want peace of mind, the solution isn’t trying to control her or the past; it’s addressing his behavior, setting clear boundaries, and deciding if he’s the right partner for you.

[Isabella Jones]

hey jaz, I can really feel how much this whole thing has lingered in your heart. when trust gets cracked like that, even a year later, the pieces still don’t seem to fit right again. it’s not just about the emails or the texts—it’s that moment when you realized he was giving a part of himself to someone you thought was in the past. I’ve been there, and it’s such a quiet kind of hurt, isn’t it? the kind that sneaks up on you even when things seem fine.

you’re not stupid for still feeling upset. when someone hides things, it leaves you chasing closure you never got. but what might help now is shifting the focus from what *she* did or what *he* hid, to what *you* need. do you still feel emotionally safe with him? because love without safety always feels like walking on thin glass. 💛

can I ask you something honestly—if you stopped checking for signs of her and just looked at how he treats you today, do you think your heart would finally start to heal, or would it still whisper that something’s missing?

[PassionSeeker]

You’re not wrong to feel uneasy when he calls that breakup a “divorce.” For someone who values commitment deeply, hearing that can sound like he’s still tied to his past. But what he’s really saying is that it was painful and meaningful not that he wants her back.

People process loss differently. His first relationship might have felt like a marriage to him emotionally, even if it wasn’t one legally. That doesn’t mean he’s still in love with her; it means he remembers how deeply it hurt.

Try not to see his memory as competition. What matters isn’t that he once loved someone, but that he’s choosing you now. If he’s loyal, kind, and emotionally present, then he’s moved on — even if he still speaks with respect about the past.

You don’t need to fix his feelings or make him “get over it.” Just focus on the connection you have. The more you build trust and closeness, the less space those old emotions will have between you.

[Marcus king]

You’re not stupid for still feeling upset your feelings are real and make sense. What your boyfriend did broke your trust, and even if he didn’t cheat, he crossed emotional boundaries. When someone hides things or keeps deleting messages, it naturally creates doubt.

Here’s what you should know: healing from that kind of betrayal takes time, especially when the situation dragged on and he didn’t handle it clearly. You’re not angry just because of her you’re angry because he didn’t protect your peace.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

babe 😩 you’re not crazy! you’re just tired of being the only one acting loyal. he didn’t *cheat*, but he definitely played “emotional peek-a-boo” with his ex, and that’s a betrayal in slow motion. you can forgive him, sure but don’t gaslight yourself into forgetting. trust doesn’t grow back just because someone says “it’s over.” heal and breathe babe. closure isn’t an email, it’s a decision. 💅🔥

[Tara]

You saw exactly what happened, you just don’t want to admit how bad it really is. He didn’t make a mistake, he made a decision. You told him where the line was, and he crossed it anyway. That’s not confusion, that’s disrespect.

He said he wasn’t talking to her. Lie. He deleted messages. Cover-up. He let you confront him while he hid in silence. Cowardice. Every move was about protecting himself, not the relationship.

You can’t get over it because he never owned it. You’re trying to forgive someone who never confessed, and you’re exhausting yourself trying to fix what he keeps breaking. He avoided accountability, so you ended up doing the emotional cleanup for both of you.

You’re not angry about the other woman. You’re angry because he valued keeping her comfortable more than keeping you secure. That’s the truth you keep downplaying.
Stop minimizing betrayal. You can’t heal when he’s still hiding behind half-truths. Walk away before the disrespect becomes routine.

[Sally]

You’re not stupid for being upset, and honestly anyone would feel the same after finding out their boyfriend was emailing, texting, and calling an ex behind their back when he had already told you he wasn’t in contact with her. Emotionally, it makes sense you can’t let it go because he hid things and acted shady instead of being straight with you.

Logically, trust gets cracked when someone deletes conversations and keeps you in the dark, and it doesn’t magically fix itself just because time passed. Creatively, it’s like an old chapter of his life keeps jumping into your story even though you never asked for it.

From a practical angle, he should have talked to her directly instead of avoiding it or expecting you to manage it for him. And as your friend here, I’d say your feelings are real and not over the top, you just need him to be honest with you now and actually help you feel secure instead of leaving you to carry all the worry alone.

[Natalie Noah]

Your feelings are valid. You’ve invested emotionally in your relationship, and when an ex reappears and your boyfriend continues to have lingering emotional connections, it triggers insecurity and fear. What makes it particularly intense for you is that he shared intimate feelings with an ex not just casual “how are you” messages, but expressing that he thinks of her often. That naturally feels like a betrayal when you’re in a committed, monogamous mindset.

At the same time, it’s important to distinguish between feelings and actions. Just because he has emotional remnants from a past relationship doesn’t mean he’s physically acting on them or intends to leave you. He may still carry strong emotions from his first love, and that’s human especially if it was a long or formative relationship. The challenge for you is learning to accept that people can have emotional histories without it undermining your relationship. Your focus should be on his current actions with you, rather than the lingering emotions he has no longer acting on.

The second layer is how you handled the situation. It’s natural to want control in moments of fear, but intervening with his ex or policing his contact can sometimes create tension rather than security. Your effort to “protect” the relationship by directly addressing the ex was well-intentioned, but it also put you in a position of stress and responsibility for boundaries that should have been established by your boyfriend. Trust is a two-way street he needed to communicate boundaries clearly to her, and he needed to reassure you transparently.

The third piece is your own perspective and emotional processing. It seems like your traditional values around relationships and commitment amplify your sensitivity to this, especially when he refers to a breakup as a “divorce.” While it feels dramatic to you, for him it reflects the depth of his emotional experience. Trying to force him to see things your way or to “get over it” isn’t going to work. Instead, you need to examine your feelings, accept that his past is a part of him, and decide if you can continue to love and trust him despite this emotional history. That shift in perspective is where healing and stability come from.

Finally, the key takeaway is that your reaction is not “stupid,” but your energy is best spent focusing on what you can control: your own responses, your communication with him, and your confidence in the relationship. You can’t erase his past, but you can strengthen your present. Encourage open dialogue, focus on shared values and future goals, and build the kind of connection that makes both of you feel secure. The past may linger, but it doesn’t have to define your relationship, your present and choices do.

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