[AnnaKanes]

Hi April,

Hope all is good for you!

Well, I have a problem here. But I just want to know your advice on what’s best for this situation I’m having.

I’ve been dating on and off with this guy for the past 2 years. He was the one who chose to end things btwn us on both circumstances.
But he keeps coming back after a few months. So recently, he finally told me the truth why he ended things – he was seeing someone else and he has sex addiction.
He mentioned that he chose his desires over me and he felt stupid about it. And it has been strained btwn us after the confession. I had my suspicions and I did not expect it to be true. I thought it would just be me being overthinking. But after he confessed, it was true indeed.

We both know we can never be friends and we will always have feelings for each other. He said that he can’t commit to me if he still has the addiction and he wants to get rid of it first then we can get together. I was being frank with him and told him that I have to move on in life and can’t wait for him. But then again, I told him that if he is really willing to change for the better of himself,I can stay and we can work it out together. He don’t need to face it alone.

So after we had the talk, I thought we’re good. We kept in touch but then after a few days, he just disappeared. And it’s been a month since we last talk. Only recently he wished me for my birthday.

Idk what’s wrong with him. Is there something I’ve done wrong? Does he hates me?

I just wanna know if he’s ok and I just don’t him to disappear like this.

Hope to get a reply from you soon! 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

He’s not the one with the problem here. 😉 I know this sounds harsh, but if you’re in a relationship with someone who’s got an addiction, it’s impractical for you to think he’s going to put you first. The relationship the person has with the substance that is a symptom of the addiction — whether it’s a tangible substance like alcohol, or a behavior, like sex — is always going to come first. It’s your job to understand that you have unrealistic expectations for him if you think he’s going to put you first in anyway. 😉 This isn’t complicated. It’s simple. You’ve dated a guy for two years. He broke up with you twice. He cheated on you during the relationships. He’s told you he’s a sex addict. Adjust your expectations to reality, and you’ll see that this isn’t complicated. It’s easy to understand — just don’t expect more from him than he can deliver.

I hope that helps!

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[AnnaKanes]

Hi April,

Thanks for giving me an advice which makes me see things from a different perspective!
I think all this while I didn’t adjust my expectations due to me not knowing he actually has an addiction. and after you mentioned it, it did struck me 🙂
But at the moment, what should I do?
Just leave him alone till he comes back and in the meantime, I’ll just focus on myself?
Do you feel I’m overthinking on this? Do you think I have pushed him away or something?

I do still want us to keep in touch. Even if it is casual. But at the same time, I feel I should give him all the time and space he needs.
I did recently drop him a casual text just to ask how is he and all. But he ignored the message.

And I’m more than happy to hear more advices from you. I’ve never been in a relationship besides him so I don’t have kind of much experience on what is right or wrong.

Thanks April!

Hope to hear from you soon again! 😎

[Ask April Masini]

It always helps to know how old you both are, so if you do write again with any questions, please tell me your ages. It’s good information from you that this is your first relationship. I think that knowing that, it would be helpful for you to focus on what it is you want in your life, in terms of relationships. If you want a monogamous relationship that leads to marriage, it doesn’t sound like this is a compatible man for you since he’s broken up twice in two years with you, has cheated on you, and has told you he has an addiction problem. I think that for now, you should move on. Don’t contact him again because it’s not going to help either one of you to do so — in the long run, that is. 😉

[quote]But at the moment, what should I do? Just leave him alone till he comes back and in the meantime, I’ll just focus on myself? Do you feel I’m overthinking on this? Do you think I have pushed him away or something?[/quote]

Move on and find other guys to date. Don’t just leave him alone, let go and move on. You can focus on yourself and your social life. 😎 I don’t think you’re overthinking this, but I do think that you’re trying to make something work that isn’t destined to work. You didn’t push him away, but if you try to pull a guy back, when that guy has cheated, broken up with you several times, and has admitted a problem that’s incompatible with having a healthy relationship, you’re not doing right for you, or for him. Time to move on. 🙂

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[AnnaKanes]

Hi April,

We’re both 21 and we met when we were in tertiary institution but he was in senior year while I was in junior year. And that point of time we were about 18 coming to 19 years old. We were both in the same field of study. We met through a gathering with our course mates so that’s when he got to know me. I really didn’t see it coming with him though back then. But he was sincere and all in wanting to be in a relationship with me. Oh, I forgot to tell you. He did mentioned to me he did see a future with me. He said I’m the only one he sees to be his wife. And he said he know no other girl will be able to accept him. He also mentioned he hates the idea of having sex addiction. He wants to love me as how a gentleman would to his woman. I don’t know if he’s being delusional but I told him it’s kinda to early to say that. And yes, I do want a monogamous relationship and I thought I see it with him.

I’ve trusted him all these years even when he sometimes lie to me etc. I feel kinda stupid though after thinking about it. But I don’t know why, I always see the goodness in him and it doesn’t make me judge him even after his confession. I don’t like to doubt people. I believe no one is perfect and we all make mistakes. And I did told him no good soul who doesn’t have a bad past and not a bad soul who will not have a future.

But for the past month of us not talking, it didn’t really bother me that much until he wished me for my birthday. I don’t know, probably cause I still do miss him but I just shove it deep down in me to not acknowledge that fact. 😉

But I just wanna know if him being all quiet is by telling me that I should you know, not bother him at all or something. He still haven’t bring down our pictures and he still does follow me on the social media. I know he stalks my news feed and try to get to know from my friends if i’m ok and all.

Thanks for being such a great help, April. i’m glad I found the right person to talk to about this! 😀

[Ask April Masini]

It’s good to be positive and see the good in people, but you have to be realistic because without that, being positive only, can be not so smart. 😕 Addiction isn’t necessarily a negative, but it is what it is. The same way diabetes or cancer is what it is. You do what you can with it, but you don’t ignore it or pretend it’s not there. You live your life the best way you know how, but you don’t take a diabetic to an ice cream parlor and you don’t try to plan having biological children with someone who’s got the type of cancer that makes that impossible. I’m not saying you should ignore his addiction or simply focus on the lying that is part of many addictions. I’m saying you should understand all of who he is and then do what’s best for you (first) and anyone else, second. That may sound selfish, but it’s not. Unless you take care of yourself first, you can’t be as valuable to a partner, a child or a friend. 😉

I know you miss him, but this is not someone who’s going to be honest or put you first. He will lie to get sex, because that’s the symptom of his addiction. If you ignore that, you’re not doing right by him — or yourself, obviously. Right now, you’re focusing on the loss you feel and you’re overlooking his genuine self, which he’s revealed to you. I understand at your age, (thanks for filling me in) that you don’t have a lot of dating experience, and when someone says that he sees you as his wife one day, that can be a seductive statement. The reality is that if he really loves you, he needs to take care of his issues for your sake, as well as his — his behavior hasn’t matched his words. In fact, they’ve belied them. And he’s flat out lied to you, too. When a guy says one thing and does another, trust his behavior. 😉

I know you want him to be someone he isn’t and to only appreciate the parts of who he is that are compatible and enjoyable, but I’m suggesting you look at the whole of who he is, understand he’s not Mr. Right for anyone right now, and move on altogether.

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[AnnaKanes]

Hi April,

I am seeing things altogether now. Understand where you coming from too.
But he has a tendency of coming back to me after some time of being apart. What if he does again?
What can I do? See whether he’s changed?

I did told him that he has to change for the better of course for the sake of his future too but then again, as you mentioned, addiction is just as it is.
He needs to seek help to understand that part of him and it’s gonna bring him harm someday. Surprisingly April, we both have not had any sexual intercourse for the past 2 years. He knows I won’t give it to him so easily so he didn’t ask. I’m thankful for that part of me though for not giving in to desires so easily.

On another note, I’m always scared to try and date again after different experiences that had happened 🙁

[Ask April Masini]

Addiction isn’t just something you get treatment for and are cured. It’s not like the flu or having your appendix removed and you’re healed. It’s a lifelong process of treatment, practice and more, that addicts have to deal with, and so, to, do the people in their lives. The people in their lives are also affected, and there are support groups for people who are involved with addicts. Being in a committed relationship with an addict requires a real understanding of what you’re getting into, who they are, what they go through, etc. It’s not a quick fix to assume he’s going to get cured. There’s no cure. There’s just treatment and practice. There’s a move called Thank You For Sharing that you can probably watch via movie vendor like Netflix or something similar, and it’s about this topic. It may fill you in a little more. 😉

[quote]But he has a tendency of coming back to me after some time of being apart. What if he does again? What can I do? See whether he’s changed?
What if he does again?[/quote]

If he comes back to you again, you have to see where you are in your life at that time. You may be dating someone else. You may have decided that you’re not interested in being with an addict. Or you may have decided that you want to have a relationship with him in spite of who he is. Or you may want to get to know him better and see how things go. If he comes back to you, at that time, you should decide what to do. For now, you should not be in contact with him because he’s got work to do, and it’s probably best to give him the space to do so. 😉

[quote]On another note, I’m always scared to try and date again after different experiences that had happened 🙁[/quote]

If this two year experience has left you scared to try and date again, then that’s a clue that you should not keep contact with this guy at all. My advice to overcome your fear of getting hurt is to try to choose men to date who have a character and a set of goals that match yours — better than this last guy. Play the field so you’re not too committed to anyone before you get to know them well enough to invest in them, emotionally, as well as otherwise.

I hope that helps!

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[AnnaKanes]

Thank you for the advices and the directions, April!

I really understand how things goes now and I’ll try my very best to gain more experiences in the dating culture as well as making the right choices.
I thought I did with him but after the confession recently, it was just a whole different view on things already.

At the moment, i’ll try my very best to recover!

Thanks April, may God bless ya always and if there’s any help I need, I’ll drop you a question! 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

You’re very welcome.

Good luck! 😀 😀

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[AnnaKanes]

Hi April!

Writing it again here! 🙂

Anyway, I have a situation here with my friend.
She used to date a gay guy but they didn’t last for so long aft she got to know the guy was gay.
So after a few years, she met this new guy. And as they got to know each other and went on dates, the guy that she’s currently dating used to date her ex.
But this new guy is fond of her and is not into guys anymore as he still foresees himself settling down with a woman and have a family.

So the question here is: Is it advisable for them to pursue the relationship further despite both used to date the same person?

Hope to hear from you soon April! 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

I think it’s a lot easier for anyone to date someone they know is into their gender, exclusively. There’s enough competition from one gender, but when you have to compete with both because the guy you’re dating is into women now, but used to be into men, and may be again some time in the future, you’re asking for more complications. 😉

That they both dated the same person in the past is definitely a complication, but not nearly as important as the one I just mentioned, above.

Hope that helps!

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[AnnaKanes]

Hi April!

Thanks for your reply 🙂

I understand where you’re coming from.

But if the guy persists that he wants to change for the better and wants to exclusively be into one gender, how can we determine that?

[Ask April Masini]

You know, you wrote me last time about dating a guy with an addiction issue, and now it’s about a guy who has a tendency to date other guys. The easiest way to find happiness and success in relationships is to make it easy on yourself: Instead of looking for complications and getting involved with guys who have complicated pasts, why not simply find a guy who is definitely into women to date? That’s my advice.

Your question about how you can determine if a gay guy who now says he’s only into women is only into women is easy to answer. You can’t. He may like women now, and men later. You just don’t know, but you do have the benefit of his honesty and his history. 😉

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[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear that this relationship has been emotionally taxing for you. You’ve invested two years with someone who has repeatedly broken up with you, cheated, and disclosed a serious addiction. These are not minor red flags they’re fundamental issues that affect trust, consistency, and the ability to have a stable, healthy relationship. Her desire for a monogamous, committed partnership is at odds with his behaviors and his current inability to prioritize you over his addiction. Recognizing this disconnect is crucial to understanding the reality of the situation.

It’s important to distinguish between hope and practicality. You mention his tendencies to “come back” and your willingness to stay if he changes. While it’s natural to want to believe in someone’s potential, addiction is a long-term challenge that requires consistent work and professional help. There is no quick fix, and putting your life on hold while he seeks recovery places an unfair emotional burden on you. You deserve a partner who can be fully present and committed without these repeated cycles of uncertainty.

The patterns you describe him disappearing for weeks, only sporadically reaching out, and leaving you in limbo are signs of emotional unreliability. Wishing you happy birthday after a month of silence may feel like attention, but it doesn’t address the core issue: he is not consistently investing in you or the relationship. April Masini’s advice here is spot-on trust behavior over words. His repeated breakups, confessions, and inconsistent actions demonstrate that he is not capable of meeting your expectations right now.

The dynamic of holding onto someone who may “come back” is dangerous emotionally. It keeps you in a cycle of hope and disappointment, which can hinder your ability to move forward and meet someone compatible. The best approach is to set boundaries for yourself: stop initiating contact, focus on your own growth and social life, and explore dating others. This is not about giving up hope entirely; it’s about prioritizing your emotional health and refusing to be stuck in a cycle that is unlikely to yield stability.

Your fear of dating again after this experience is understandable but shouldn’t prevent you from seeking a healthier relationship. Use this as a learning experience: look for partners whose values, behavior, and goals align with yours. Avoid complicated situations where someone’s addiction or inconsistent patterns put the relationship at risk. By doing so, you regain control over your love life and build confidence in finding someone who can truly meet you halfway.

The overarching lesson here is clarity and boundaries. You are not responsible for “fixing” him, nor is it your job to wait indefinitely for change. If he comes back in the future, you can reassess your feelings then, but for now, the healthiest choice is to disengage, focus on yourself, and seek relationships with people who are emotionally available and consistent. This approach protects your heart, helps you grow, and increases your chances of having a stable, loving relationship when the time is right.

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