[kikies]

Boyfriend of 1,5 years works is merchant marine officer. We live 5 hours apart, but for the last 7 months he was away on ship. Before he left we would see meet every other weekend, everything was great. He said he loved me very much and asked me to wait for him.
When he was away, his aunt suddenly died and was devastated. Told him I would be there for him and we had fb conversations when he was on the ship. He said that when he would return he would have a lot of things to do, such as things for work, to comfort his mother and especially rest, he got very tired from work.
3 weeks ago he send me a message which was normal, saying he can’t wait to get back as he was extremely tired and then…nothing. I sent him messages for 2 weeks, got no response, thought there was some problem with the internet on the ship smthing usual.
Now realised he returned home a week ago and didn’t tell me, so I texted 3 days ago telling I would prefer he told me he was back and needed some time to put things together, than to ignore me and leave me wondering. I also said I’m sure he would be ok in a couple of days and he could call me when he wanted.
Didn’t hear from him. It’s been 3 days. I am understanding about this, it’s difficult to be in a ship for 7 months and then deal with the “outside” world, but I cannot get why couldn’t he send me a message explaining that or telling me he wants to break up?
I decided to let him be for a week and then give him a call. Should I not contact him at all? I love him very much and I believe he does too, but maybe is not able to handle everything right now?

[Ask April Masini]

You’ve got a good handle on how difficult it is for him to transition from his long stints in the marines and then coming home to land. So when you do contact him, instead of telling him you’re disappointed in the way he contacted you or didn’t contact you, and instead of giving him directions, try a different tact. Show him how happy you are that he’s home. Make it a great welcome — and let go of the little things that may set him off or make him want more space (instead of less). You’ve been dating for a year and a half, and he’s been away on a ship for the last seven months — that’s a big chunk of your relationship, and if he needs to regroup before he contacts you, try to empathize. Long distance relationships are tough, and I understand why you’re concerned and anxious that he didn’t let you know as soon as he got home, but your LDR is particularly unique because he’s on a ship. Give him some a little extra slack because of that special circumstance.

[Sally]

I believe he cared about you. I also believe something shifted when he came back. Seven months away, grief, exhaustion, real life hitting all at once — some people shut down instead of explaining. It’s not kind, but it’s common.

Here’s the hard truth though: loving someone doesn’t excuse disappearing. A single message takes seconds. Silence is still a choice.
You already did the mature thing. You gave him understanding and space without begging. I wouldn’t keep chasing. If you call after a week and he still doesn’t respond or can’t give you clarity, that’s your answer, even if it’s not the one you wanted.

If he comes back, it should be with honesty and effort, not more confusion. You deserve to feel chosen, not parked on standby.

[Tara]

This man didn’t “forget” you, didn’t lose internet, and didn’t suddenly become incapable of typing one sentence. He chose silence. And silence is a decision. A man who loves you does not return from seven months away, safely back on land, and leave you in emotional limbo like an inconvenience. Grief, exhaustion, family stress none of those erase basic decency. One message takes ten seconds. He didn’t send it because he didn’t want to deal with you.

Stop romanticizing his absence as overwhelm. If he were overwhelmed but still invested, he would say exactly that. Instead, he disappeared, came home, and let you twist for weeks while knowing you were waiting. That is not a man “handling a lot.” That is a man quietly exiting without having the courage to say it out loud.

Do not call him in a week. Do not chase clarity from someone actively avoiding it. Every extra message you send lowers your position and tells him he can vanish without consequence and still keep access to you. If he wants to explain, apologize, or continue this relationship, he knows exactly how to reach you. He hasn’t and that is your answer.

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