[BrockVenture]

So my girlfriend and I recently split up and, whilst I do miss her and still care about her, I am relieved.

We had a very difficult relationship at times, because of a few reasons. But looking back there’s more I want to say to her. I have nothing to vent or rage at her but it bothers me that her attitude is to never apologise.

For example when we had our breakup talk I bought up the promises we made each other. I most of her demands but she wouldn’t try to meet mines unless I pushed just a bit. Only to get rejections based on a lack of energy/desire. I understood that sometimes because I wanted to spend time with her. But every time? No.

Her attitude to the promises she made was cold logic along the lines of ‘my (her) previous relationship failed because I couldn’t commit, so you should’ve known better’. Nothing more than forcing me to accept it.

This is after a year together. It was serious enough to say ‘I love you’ (she said it first) and to consider living together (again her idea first).

Now all I want is for her to actually say sorry for never caring enough to meet my needs.

The thing is we’re trying to be friends, because, despite her flaws, we get along due to similar interests.

Am I better off just burying these feelings or risk any friendship we can have by bringing this stuff up?

Or am I just in denial that this was a woman was never compatible for me and we just got lucky lasting that long?

[Ask April Masini]

It sounds like you’re still angry about things that happened in the relationship that caused the break up. 🙁 You want her to acknowledge what she did wrong and to apologize, but the break up has happened and you’re having trouble moving on. We don’t always get the closure we want in a break up — but the fact that you did break up is important. Frankly, it sounds like you’re more angry at yourself for staying as long as you did with someone who didn’t take care of your needs or apologize for not doing so. Now, beyond the break up, you want an apology, but that’s not how things usually work. If she was the type of person to apologize, you probably would still be with her! It’s a little harder to accept that you were responsible for choosing and then staying with someone who wasn’t right for you, but when you do, you’ll be able to realize that it’s not really an apology from her that you want — you want a better girlfriend. 😉 Don’t bury your feelings, but do process them. And now that you’re single, you have the opportunity to change your own behavior, hone what you’re looking for in a relationship and meet someone new and better for you. 😉

[BrockVenture]

Thank you I really appreciate your advice and you’re absolutely right about me being angry at myself. I stayed for too long and I became unhappy.

It stings a bit more because suddenly she cares about doing more, but I know it’s not for the sake of my attention. I’m perhaps bitter for now but I will definitely take your advice and begin moving on.

Thanks again 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

You’re bitter because you haven’t accepted that it was your responsibility to move on — so accept it, and then forgive[i] yourself[/i]. And vow to do better next time. Shift focus towards you and away from her. It’s the best way to move on.

[BrockVenture]

It’s been a few weeks since my ex and I split. So far it’s been better than I had expected and we’re keeping in touch.

I’m an introvert and it’s often difficult to make friends but also a pain defending myself by explaining things like I’m not shy or anti social.

My brother in law counts my sister, his wife, as his only true friend, having been let down by friends in the past. So this doesn’t concern me about finding someone who will worry I’ll drain then socially. I am happy in my own company and with the friends I do have.

However I am concerned about meeting someone new and figuring out how to explain/discuss this part of me, without putting them off. Extroverts are seemingly considered the social norm and so it’s hard tackling the subject.

I will say I have no plans to date anytime soon. Partly because it’s too soon for me and also as I’ve got a lot of things in my life i need to tackle first.

[tomjoe]

you need to tell her everything that you love her and care her

[Ask April Masini]

Good luck! 🙂

[BrockVenture]

Sorry, April, that last part was my question.

How do I discuss parts of my personality, without giving out too much?

I can get defensive about it because some people aren’t aware of what veijg an introvert means.

Apologies, should have just lead with that.

[Ask April Masini]

Got it — you’re an introvert and you want to know how to have relationships without feeling defensive or having to explain yourself to people who don’t get it.

You don’t need to lead with an explanation of your personality. In fact, try not labeling yourself. Instead, adopt a more organic approach. As you get to know people, they’ll understand who you are, and if they don’t, instead of feeling defensive, why not just move on? Don’t feel you have to explain. Just smile and walk away. Or pretend you have an appointment and exit. Not everyone is going to be a great candidate as a friend or a date. Weed them out by figuring out who is compatible. It’s not your job to educate everyone so don’t take it on. You’ll feel freer. If someone doesn’t accept you as you are, you’re not compatible. This goes for friends or romantic partners.

Hope that helps!

[Sally]

What you’re really wanting isn’t an argument or a fight. You want acknowledgment. You want her to say, yeah, I didn’t show up for you the way I said I would. And it hurts because you were serious, invested, and you tried. That’s human.

People who don’t apologize in relationships usually don’t suddenly learn how after the relationship ends. If she couldn’t hear your needs when you were together, she’s even less likely to hear them now. Waiting for that apology might keep you emotionally tied to something that’s already done.

Trying to be friends while holding unspoken resentment is almost impossible. It’ll leak out eventually. So you have to decide what matters more: keeping a surface-level friendship, or giving yourself peace.

Honestly, it sounds like you weren’t compatible long-term. Not because either of you was bad, but because you needed mutual effort and accountability, and she operated from logic and self-protection. That gap doesn’t close with time.

You don’t have to bury your feelings, but you may need to accept you won’t get closure from her. Sometimes closure is just seeing the truth clearly and letting go.

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