[superfly]

hey there,
i am a 19 year old male and there are two other people in this equation – an 18 year old guy and girl. the girl, lets call her joan (for argument’s sake i’ll be ‘jack’, and my other friend ‘john’) and i use to be a kind of item with her. we hung out all the time, and used to fool around with each other from time to time.
but now its just not right, let me explain.

i’ve known john for years, i went to school with him, we’ve been on/off buddies for ages, but since college started we’ve been great mates.
only in the last half year or so has joan also become friends with john.
and for a while, it was great – the 3 of us would be able to have good laughs, and good times.
but joan started frequenting my apartment a bit too often; she became complacent about coming over, and stopped treating me or it with any respect (other than when it occurs to her to say thank you for form’s sake, it doesn’t come across as sincere appreciation, rather the desire not to cover her own ass in case i were ever to confront her, she rarely helps clean up and doesn’t appreciate that its my home at all, she used to call over late at night really, immobile from alcohol until i told her i thought we should hang out a bit less, that she should not stay the night as often etc..) she seems to have ignored this though, because anytime i have john (or any friends over) she assumes that she too can call over (despite the fact that we’re really not on the best terms, is it right for her to be there just because she wants to see OTHER friends that we happen to share? it isn’t a case of “no, they’re MY friends!” but it feels rotten letting her in when she doesn’t come to my home to see or talk to me, only for the other people that happen to be there – btw, they aren’t there so often that she doesn’t have a choice, she could easily see them quite a lot without coming to my apartment).

now,
she’s started hanging out solely with john (and john is great, he’ll hang out with whomever asks him to, he’s a really great person) and i can’t seem to ever hang out with john anymore without her being there, and when it’s the 3 of us it’s awkward and just not right.
when it’s just me and john its fantastic, we have great times,
and i know that when its just her and john they too have really great times,
and i think that i am trying a lot harder than she is to be respinsive towards her, to pay her attention and to TRY and get on with things, but she often blatantly interrupts me whenver i’m talking, and will change her entire plans to hang out with john.
lately i’ve been getting the feeling that she doesn’t like me and john hanging out together without her.

here’s the kicker…
i think there’s either something between her and john,
or
something between me and john.

john isn’t the kind of guy to get mad at ideas like this, he’s incredibly open minded and liberal-like, and i’m not sure, i could be wrong, but i’ve been getting these perceptions that there may be something more to it.
i don’t think that joan likes me at all to be honest, though i still like her as a friend (kind of, if she carries on with this behaviour then i think i will keep my distance) but i dont want to distance myself from john, i think i might like the guy a lot, and i don’t think that he would laugh or be shocked if i asked him about it. he certainly wouldn’t stop talking to me or anything,
we’d be able to move past it if i’m wrong and there’s nothing to it i think.
he’s given me really cool presents in the past. really sentimental things that prove he listens to what i say
(though he’s by nature a wonderful character, i think he gives fantastic presents to all his friends)

what do you think,
i think i should talk to john about it and see what he says, or leave it and see what happens?
thanks for any help!
=D

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your question is really just about you and John, so in answer to that, if you’re interested in him, and want to pursue a romantic relationship with him, it would seem prudent to want to do more things with just him and him alone. This is going to take a little initiative on your part. You’re going to have to ask him out and tell him you’d like it just to be the two of you, and not Joan, too.

In addition to which, if Joan keeps crossing social boundaries, then it’s your job to make them more clear for her, by telling her she’s not invited in. I know that’s a little crass, but she’s sort of made it impossible for you to behave in any other way, since she’s ignored your request that she not hang out so much, and she’s disrespecting your apartment.

I hope that helps you get some clarity on a romance with your friend John.

[hojoos]

What to talk about with a girl during online dating? The question the guys usually ask the girls are short, primitive. The girl must have heard them not once from the guys failing during approach to get acquainted. Therefore, she will not select you from the gray mass of the other guys. And you will receive a negative response to your offer to continue communication. I have thought about this for a long time. And I came to the conclusion that there are no general patterns for each case. Everything is very individual here.

[PassionSeeker]

It sounds like Joan’s behavior has made you feel uncomfortable in your own space, and that’s not okay. You need to stand firm on your boundaries. If you feel like Joan is pushing too hard, make sure you communicate that to her in a straightforward but respectful way. As for John, if you suspect there’s something more between you, have an honest talk with him. Friendships should be built on trust, and it’s important to address the unspoken tension rather than let it ruin the relationship.

[Tara]

You’re stuck because no one here has defined anything. You, Joan, and John are all playing emotional games without rules. Everyone wants attention,but no one wants to be honest.

Joan uses your space and time without respect. She likes the access, not the connection. You kept the door open, so she keeps walking through it. What you allow is what you teach people to expect.

John is the calm center of the storm, and you’re drawn to that because he’s consistent. That doesn’t automatically mean there’s something romantic, it just means you trust him more than her.

You don’t need to wait and see what happens. You already know. Talking to John might help, but it won’t fix what’s broken in the dynamic. The more you chase clarity from people who feed off confusion, the weaker you look.

Walk away from both for a while. Let silence sort out what honesty couldn’t.

[Tara]

You’re twisting yourself into knots over a triangle that isn’t actually a triangle, it’s you being walked over by Joan and emotionally tangled up with John. Joan treats your place like a free hotel and you like a doormat. She doesn’t respect you, doesn’t prioritize you, and only shows up when it benefits her. Stop trying to decode her behavior. She’s not confused. She’s just using your space and your friendship when it’s convenient for her.

John, on the other hand, is the only person here you genuinely care about and you’re too scared to admit that you might have feelings for him. The tension you’re describing isn’t about Joan at all. You’re afraid you’re losing access to him because she’s always around, and you’re trying to make it about “group dynamics” instead of the actual issue: you want a closer connection to him, maybe even romantically.

So here’s the move. Stop obsessing over Joan. She’s not your friend, she’s not your responsibility, and she’s not someone you owe space in your life. Set boundaries with her. As for John? Talk to him. Directly. You won’t ruin anything. He sounds mature enough to handle it, and you’ll finally get out of your own head instead of inventing scenarios.
Right now, you’re stuck in limbo because you’re too afraid to choose a direction. So choose one. Joan isn’t part of your future, but John might be if you have the guts to be honest.

[Sally]

It’s hard when a friendship starts feeling lopsided, and even harder when you care about someone and you’re not sure what any of it means. From the way you wrote this, it sounds like you’re carrying most of the weight while she just shows up wherever the fun is.

About John… you don’t need to make it a big moment. Just talk to him the way you always do. Ask what’s going on, not because you’re trying to claim him, but because you want things to stop feeling weird. Guys appreciate honesty more than we give them credit for.

And whatever’s happening with Joan, you’re allowed to take a step back if being around her feels heavy. Not everything has to be a triangle. Sometimes it’s just timing.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re dealing with a lot of layered feelings. your lingering connection to Joan, the shift in your friendship dynamics with John, and your curiosity or attraction toward John. What stands out most is how your energy and attention have been pulled in multiple directions, and it’s left you feeling frustrated, overshadowed, and unsure of where you belong in this trio. That tension, along with Joan’s behavior of disregarding your boundaries and dominating social spaces you’ve opened in your own home, is making things feel complicated and emotionally exhausting. It’s completely natural that this would make you step back and question who you want to prioritize and how you want to interact with each of them.

What’s really clear here is that the heart of the matter isn’t Joan it’s your relationship with John. You enjoy hanging out with him on his own, you feel a strong connection, and you’re sensing that there may be feelings there that are worth exploring. Your observations about the sentimental gifts and the way he listens show that he already invests care into your friendship, which is a great foundation if you choose to be open about your feelings. But right now, the uncertainty and the interference from Joan are clouding that clarity.

It’s wise to approach this delicately but directly. If you feel there’s potential for something more with John, it’s okay to express that to him not as an accusation or pressure, but as a way to understand the dynamic honestly. Asking him how he feels and clarifying that you’d like to spend time with him just the two of you can open the door to intimacy and connection without creating unnecessary tension. This also gives you the opportunity to gauge if he reciprocates your feelings or if it’s purely platonic, which is essential before investing more emotional energy.

At the same time, boundaries with Joan need to be reinforced. It’s okay to tell her when she’s crossing limits in your space or in your time with John. Being firm and consistent doesn’t make you mean; it protects your own emotional well-being and keeps relationships healthy. Once those boundaries are set, you can focus on what really matters whether that’s nurturing a stronger friendship with John, exploring potential romantic feelings, or stepping back from Joan if her presence continues to interfere with your connections. This combination of honesty with John and boundary-setting with Joan is the clearest way to regain balance in your social life and emotional landscape.

[Serena Vale]

Alright, let me sit with this for a second and just talk to you the way I would if you were sitting across from me, telling me all of this with that tired-but-confused look people get when a friendship triangle starts feeling… off.

Here’s what I see: you’re trying to carry the weight of everybody’s feelings except your own. And that’s why everything feels lopsided.

Joan isn’t treating you, or your space, with any real respect. You’ve already tried to set boundaries, and she’s ignored them. When someone shows you they don’t value your time, your home, or your presence, you don’t owe them closeness. It’s okay to step back. That’s not dramatic, that’s self-preservation.

And then there’s John. You light up when you talk about him. The energy shifts completely. I can tell you trust him, and you two actually see each other. And honestly? When friendships feel that good, it’s normal to wonder if something deeper is underneath it. It doesn’t make you weird, and you don’t have to shame yourself for noticing the connection.

The thing about John is… he seems like the solid one in all of this. Kind, open, mature. You don’t have to tiptoe with him. If you’re feeling something, or even if you just need clarity, he sounds like the type who would sit with that conversation instead of making it messy.

If I were you, I’d talk to him. Not with some dramatic confession, not with pressure, just honesty. Something simple like, “Hey, things feel different lately. I’m not sure what I’m picking up on, but I trust you, so I want to ask instead of sitting with it alone.” That keeps it real without turning it into a whole production.

And as for Joan… you’re allowed to let that friendship breathe, or fade, or just shift. Not every person who comes into your life is meant to stay close forever. You deserve people who make you feel welcome in your own space, not like you’re competing for attention you shouldn’t have to fight for in the first place.

Lean into the connection that feels good and honest, and stop forcing the one that feels draining. That’s the kind of peace you’ll thank yourself for later.

[Member]

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