[Tara]

You’re not crazy. You married a liar who built your entire relationship on deceit, and now you’re shocked that he’s still lying. What did you expect? A man who cheats on his wife for three years and hides it that long doesn’t suddenly turn into a saint just because he married the mistress. He trained himself to lie to survive, and you were fine with it when it benefited you. Now you’re getting the same treatment his ex-wife got.

He’s not “protecting” you from anything. He’s protecting himself. The anger, the insults, the gaslighting all of it is a way to make you doubt your own instincts so he can keep control. You’re not pathetic for asking questions; he’s pathetic for needing to humiliate you to avoid answering them.

Stop digging for the truth like you’ll find something that makes sense. You already know it: he lies because he can, and because you’ve taught him that you’ll tolerate it. You wanted “total honesty,” but you picked a man whose entire history screams the opposite.

[Sally]

This one hits hard. When someone keeps ripping things out of your hands and calling you names for asking simple questions, that’s not protection that’s hiding. And you’re not crazy for noticing it.

You asked for honesty because that’s the only way a relationship like yours could stand a chance. Instead he kept old accounts, old ties, old stories… and then made you feel small for catching on. That kind of anger he throws at you? It’s usually a cover for guilt.

I know you love him, but love shouldn’t make you feel scared to ask what’s real. You’re not pathetic. You’re just tired of being the only one telling the truth.

[Natalie Noah]

Betrayal that keeps revealing itself bit by bit, and the exhaustion that comes from trying to hold a fragile life together while you get kicked in the gut. You did the right thing by reaching out and by noticing the patterns. That moment when he “turned back into the man you fell in love with” is classic manipulators often dial up the charm when their partner threatens to leave but charm doesn’t cancel the larger problem: secrecy, disrespect, and your very real financial and health vulnerability. You deserve steadiness, respect, clear answers, and safety.

Practically, start protecting yourself, gently but urgently. Make copies (photograph with your phone if necessary) of any paperwork you find: titles, checks, bank/book pages, loan documents, anything that suggests joint obligations or hidden accounts. Open a private email and, if you can, a small savings/checking account in your name only. Save phone bills, text logs, receipts, they are useful for lawyers and for your peace of mind. Don’t do anything illegal or dangerous trying to “prove” things; instead document what’s already there and save originals somewhere safe (a friend’s house, your son’s place, a safe deposit box).

Get medical and sexual-health clarity right away. Don’t try home “kits” found in rumor go to a clinic and ask for a sexual health panel (and HIV/STI testing). Many clinics offer free or low-cost testing and will treat this information confidentially. Given your chronic pain and fibromyalgia, also make an appointment with a doctor who understands chronic pain so you can document your conditions and treatment needs important for disability, benefits, and any future legal claims. If your son’s SSI/medical appeals are still in process, keep pushing those appeals and gather all medical documentation for him; legal aid or social workers at hospitals sometimes help with appeals.

Legal help is essential here. You mentioned not working and financial vulnerability contact your local legal aid or family-law clinic right away. They can advise you on spousal support possibilities, how to collect financial records, and how property splitting may work where you live. If you feel you’ll need evidence of ongoing “support” the ex had received (checks, payments), hand that to an attorney; they’ll tell you what matters legally and what won’t. If you’re fearing a sudden move-out or being cut off, an attorney can also explain emergency options and your rights.

Boundaries and safety: when you bring things up he gets angry and storms off that’s a big red flag. Plan conversations (or better yet: do them through counsel) and don’t engage when he escalates. If he threatens you, or you fear retaliation, call local domestic-violence hotlines they help with safety planning and emergency housing even when the abuse is emotional or financial. Surround yourself with one or two trusted people who can help (friend, family member, neighbor) so you’re not trying to do this alone.

Finally, love yourself through this. You’re exhausted and carrying so many burdens your health, your son, the financial stress. This is a time for small, steady acts of self-care and for letting professionals help: a social worker, a legal advocate, a medical provider, and someone to talk to about the grief (a counselor or support group). You don’t need to decide everything today. Do these immediate things first: document, get medical tests, call legal aid, make a safety plan, and reach out for emotional support. If you want, tell me which city or state you’re in (or whether you’d rather not) and I’ll suggest local resources you can contact for free legal aid, low-cost clinics, and support groups.

[Author]

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