[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for the past 5 years(we are both 24) and are quite serious with each other(I’ve met his parents and everything). He is a little immature, but otherwise a really nice person and has always been truthful to me up until a month ago. Recently his best friend left the country to work abroad and his girlfriend became good friends with my boyfriend. She used to call him often and ask to meet up on weekends and such.

What I didn’t know was that they were even good friends leave alone the fact that they used to chat and talk a lot. About a month ago an incident happened that really shook my relationship up. Me, my boyfriend and a couple of friends had gone out on a weekend and right after he dropped me, he called up this girl and asked to meet up. He hid this from me and when I got to know and asked him about it, he lied to me. He kept telling me a bunch of lies, until I called up this girl and she told me that she and my boyfriend were good friends and nothing else. I know this girl for long and I know she never lies and would not cheat on her boyfriend. All of my boyfriend’s lies and all this sneaky behavior has made me to completely lose trust in him.

After all this happened, I asked him why he didn’t bother telling me he and they girl were good friends, he told me that he doesn’t consider her as a good friend and just hangs out with her. I wanted me to work on my trust issues when I confronted him about the girl, but lied to me for almost a month about that incident. He told me, he did so because he didn’t want any fights and since his friend and this girl were getting married that this problem would go away. So, I said I would work on trusting him(since I know they were just friends) but I told him I want to see his chat transcripts and asked for his email password.

He completely went ballistic and refused to give it to me. When we were going through problems he had offered me to give his password, but I refused. Now when I asked for it, he says that shows how little trust I have and that its not the way to work on things. He has accepted that his hiding things from me has led to a lot of mess and he is willing to work on making things right. But I cannot believe his words any more and need some solid proof when he says that he doesn’t consider that girl his good friend(because, apparently they got friendly through chatting). We have taken a break since we do see eye to eye on this issue. I still think he’s hiding something, which he doesn’t want me to see.

Am I wrong in asking him to show me his password? Is it the wrong way to work on my trust issue? What really irks me is that I was working on it, when I found out more lies and things he had hidden from me. When I was really making an effort, I expected him to come all out and tell me the truth. Him being sorry somehow is just not enough. Please tell me if I am over reacting to him not giving me the password. I don’t know how else to work on my trust if I don’t have anything tangible.

[Ask April Masini]

Yes, you were wrong to ask him to give you his e-mail password and to reveal his text transcripts. It was pretty nervy of you, and what happened is that in his eyes, you became his mother — not his girlfriend — and not the kind of mother who thinks their son is golden, but the kind of mother who is ready to scold her bad boy. It was a BIG mistake on your part.

But the reality is that the relationship was over before you asked for these things. You don’t trust him, and he hasn’t acted like he’s trustworthy. I know you think you were making an effort to work on trust issues when you asked for his password, but what you were really doing was asking for evidence of his trustworthiness — evidence he didn’t have. You backed him into a corner that he couldn’t get out of. Not a good dynamic for a relationship. The real problem wasn’t that you couldn’t trust him. The real problem was that he wanted privacy from you and possibly an out in the relationship that you’re not acknowledging or wanting to give him.

You’re right that his being sorry isn’t enough for you — but what would have been the right thing to do would be to find out if he really wanted to be in the relationship with you, and how much he cared about your discomfort with his behavior when you’re not around. You went from being uncomfortable with the knowledge that he hung out secretly with his buddy’s girlfriend to demanding “trust working behavior.” What you missed, from your post, is the beat where you told him how badly you felt being excluded. That would have been the moment for him to realize what he’d done and to try to reassure you that you came first. But since that moment seems to have come and gone or never had the chance to be borne out, for now, I think you’re done with him and he with you. It’s time for you to move on, and remember — you’re looking for a man to date, not a child, so don’t act like a mother. Instead, be a woman and a girlfriend.

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