[sayiwont30]

things with my girlfriend and I couldn’t have been better until 5 months in her uncle died. when his health declined she started to get a distant and tell me I didn’t show emotion or affection. when he passed away things got better with us for about a week, then we started fighting over little things. no matter how much I tried to avoid it the fights happened. two weeks of that and she broke up with me, saying she just needed some “time and space” but saying she wants to work things out and be together again. three days later shes laying in my bed telling me how much she loves me and misses me. we spend the whole next day together. the following day she blows off plans we had. we talk nearly every day, and things go well for awhile then she goes into fight mode out of nowhere. we went three days without talking, after three days she texted me, and it was about two days of no fighting. her uncle and her were veryclose, she provided home health care for him for the last year. we were talking about kids, marriage, getting a house together. but after he passed away she did a complete 180 and says that even the sight of my name on her phone pisses her off, but half the time she texts me first. she says that shes so hurt by me not showing emotion or affection that she doesn’t know if she wants to be with me again. ive never been overly emotional or affectionate, so nothing changed. when she finally told me that was the problem I tried to show her more emotion and affection she told me I was pushing her away. what do I do in this situation?

[Ask April Masini]

How old are you both? And how long have you been dating?

[sayiwont30]

We are both 30, we have been dating 6 months, but been close friends for 12 years, and both been in love with each other pretty much since we met 12 years ago…

[Ask April Masini]

If she’s telling you she’s hurt by your not showing love or affection, why not try doing that. 😉 It sounds like she needs some extra attention after the loss of her uncle with whom she was very close. I think that since she’s telling you that this is what she’s upset about not getting, she’s giving you a giant hint. Take it! 🙂

[sayiwont30]

I have tried that and she says I’m just pushing her away, when I try to do something nice and sweet for her she lashes out at me and becomes mean and hurtful

[Ask April Masini]

I’m sorry that she’s going through this, and that her grief is taking this form, but sometimes people have to work things out in their own way and that’s what you have to allow her to do. It sounds like she’s not in a good place, and since the relationship you have with her is so new, I think you should back off and give her space. If you’d been dating for a year or more, it might be different, but since you’ve only been dating for six months, and five of those six months included her focusing on her uncle who was dying at the time, and has since passed, the relationship has had some unfortunate timing. It’s not anyone’s fault, but to ignore it is to create frustration for both of you. Since she has suffered an important loss in her life, she has to find a way to grieve without projecting the anger she may feel about the loss, onto you. She’s pushing you away, and when you try to stay in her life, she lashes out. I think you need to step back. If she misses you, she’ll reach out — or you can even stay away for a few weeks and then test the waters by reaching out, gently, at that time.

[Sally]

What you’re describing does sound like grief spilling over. Losing someone she was that close to can knock the ground out from under a person. Grief doesn’t always look like sadness a lot of times it shows up as anger, irritability, and pushing away the people closest to us. So no, you’re not imagining the switch. Something shifted in her after he died.

That said, here’s the part you need to hear: you’re stuck in a no-win position. When you act like yourself, she says you’re not affectionate enough. When you try to change, she says you’re pushing her away. That’s not because you’re doing it wrong It’s because she doesn’t know what she needs right now.

The back-and-forth, the breakups, the I-love-yous, then the anger when she sees your name? That’s someone who’s overwhelmed and doesn’t have the emotional space to be steady. Love might still be there, but stability isn’t.

You can’t fix her grief, and you can’t keep reshaping yourself to avoid setting her off. The healthiest move right now is real space not texting every few days, not half-together. Let her grieve without you being the emotional punching bag.

If she comes back, it has to be calmer and clearer. If not, this wasn’t because you didn’t love her right it’s because timing and grief took over.

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