[mchaney6]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we’ve been through thick and thin together but one issues never been resolved. When we first got together my parents didn’t approve of my boyfriend because he wasn’t working or going to school. He didn’t feel welcome around them and it hurt him that they couldn’t accept him. It took a lot of time and effort talking with my parents for them to see hes a good man and that he wants to work and get an education. They are fine with him now and actually ask for him to come around. I know my boyfriend doesn’t feel completely accepted bu them yet but they made the effort to accept him the way he is and I wish he could put the past aside.
My family and extended family are very close and welcoming whereas my boyfriend comes from a broken family who don’t do much together and fight. I understand we come from completely different worlds and see the importance of family unequally.
So the issue is that every time a birthday or holiday come around we’re both invited to dinner and everyone wants him to be there. I go regardless without question but he rarely if ever comes. When he doesn’t come everyone always asks where he is and I feel isolated because I spend my time wishing he were there like everyone else’s men are.
I ask him to come every time regardless of knowing his answer and express how important it is to me thinking that if its so important to me that should be enough of a reason for him to sacrifice some of his time for my family. He always comes up with the same excuses not to go, its going to be boring or they’ll ask the same questions they always ask about work and school.
I know it isn’t entirely fun but we make that sacrifice for the happiness of our family, right? We may not really care to sit around playing cards with grandma but its meaningful to her to spend time with us.
I’m not one to give ultimatums like come or else but I do compromise and he still denies it. I’ve even offered for him to just stop by for an hour and he can make an excuse to leave and he still says no.
It hurts that he wont do this just to make me happy and I do my best to be strong and not get upset. After get togethers though I feel lonely and it gets me thinking that , though hes perfect in every other aspect of our relationship, maybe our relationship wont work because he cant make a sacrifice for me just to make me happy. We always fight the day after dinners about him not being there and it always leads to the same conclusion that I shouldn’t force him to do something he doesn’t like and that he doesn’t want to be bored and that he doesn’t want to feel unaccepted. I’m always left at a fault of uncompromise that leaves me feeling nothing will change and he’ll never visit with my family willingly. What do I do beside break up with him or cause another fight?

[AskApril Masini]

Don’t give him an ultimatum. That’s always a mistake. Instead, decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. If it is, then move on. If it isn’t, find a way to be okay with the the fact that your boyfriend has these social and family differences. The ball is really in your court, not his. If you give him an ultimatum you’re just going to stir the pot and create more fighting.

I don’t know how old you are or if you’re thinking about marriage, but if you are considering marriage and kids, consider the consequences of his behavior on future children. If one of them has a birthday party, how will you celebrate it and how will you handle family? What about a wedding? A shower? Funerals? If you’re okay going to these things without him, and having your kids go to Thanksgiving, Easter or other family get togethers without him, then you’ve got a future together. If you can’t see that happening then you may be looking at a relationship deal breaker.

You’ve got some tough questions to ask yourself and to answer, but it’s time. If you do want to have a conversation with him, stay away from ultimatums, but do ask him about how he wants the two of you to handle things if you have children together and there is a family Christmas or a cousin’s birthday party for the kids. Since you’ve been dating for three years now, the question isn’t inappropriate. 😉

[Lune David]

This isn’t really about a party or dinner. It’s about wanting your partner to show up for you. You’re not asking for something big — just to be there because you matter, and that’s fair after three years.

He’s not lazy. He’s hurt and scared of feeling judged again, but relationships still need effort. Sometimes we show up even when it’s boring, just to make our partner happy.

The hard truth is you can’t force him to change. You have to ask yourself: can you be okay going to family events alone again and again? If not, that doesn’t make you wrong — it just means you want different things.

This isn’t about fighting. It’s about being honest with yourself about what you need to feel happy.

[Member]

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