[LeAnne]

Yesterday, I told my 24-year-old boyfriend of one year (with whom I’ve been leaving for half that time) that we need to talk about our relationship. I told him I think we have a communication problem. And here’s why:

Every day, he wakes up and goes on his computer, mostly to play World of Warcraft. When we go out (groceries, etc.) we talk about what we should get, what we’ll have for dinner, whatever. Occasionally he shows me something funny on the Internet or, very rarely, talks about his day. That’s the extent of our ‘communication’. I’m the one who does most of the talking, most of the opening-up (I’m very honest about my feelings and moods, there’s no ‘I have a headache tonight’ in lieu of an actual reason why ‘it’ can’t happen). The romance? Gone. In the bedroom? Last time was last month.

So last night it turned out he can’t even look at me when we’re talking, because he can’t look people in the eye during an argument (he suffered from Social Anxiety Disorder at some point, so that might be true I guess). He told me he doesn’t want to talk about how he feels about the things we do, because then we’d fight more often and he decided to just ‘make all the compromises’ so the relationship can work. First time I heard that!

Then, after much begging on my part and reminding him how important I’ve always considered honesty in a relationship (which he knows), he said he didn’t really agree with several of our joint decisions (which place to rent, getting a cat together, what furniture to get) but he went with it ‘for the sake of our relationship’. Um. What 😐 . There are things that bother him, true, but he’d rather suffer himself than start an argument. Also, apparently it was wrong of me to expect him to prepare me for meeting his very difficult mother and overly-narcissistic brother (which pretty much ruined my holidays) and telling me it’s ‘better not to come’ was the best he could do with no other explanation.

Then, after I broke down crying on the living room couch, he left me there for about fifteen minutes to play World of Warcraft. When I pointed out that what he’s doing is just plain heartless and he saw how badly I was, he finally deigned to get up, come sit next to me, hug me and ask me if I think I’m better off without him. He asked me if I want him to leave. Then, in a rare moment of sincerity, he admitted he’s feeling pushed, and that moving out of his mum’s and with me (changing cities) was already a big step so he wants to take it slow. Consequently, he knows what he’s doing with his life but wants me to stop nagging. Okay, fair enough. But what I got out of that is: I’d rather one of us leaves than change myself.

Here’s the thing: this is the man who was madly in love with me for four years after we broke up and I went to study abroad, the man who went above and beyond to make sure we got back in touch and did so many nice things in the beginning of our relationship. He told me I’m the One, and told his father and step-mum the same thing when asked. About two months ago, though, he gradually started to lose interest in ‘us’, I guess. The last time we had a date, it was at home and I had to convince him to leave his bloody video games to join me (after I went through the trouble to dress up and set up a romantic dinner for the two of us).

So in a nutshell, he’s in love with another woman, and her name is World of Warcraft. He became a recluse and does’t see anything wrong with the way things are going (not communicating, etc.) Our ‘zing’ is gone. How do I rekindle it?

[AskApril Masini]

To be honest with you, you sound way too angry and frustrated to “rekindle” a lost flame. And frankly, it’s not a lost flame that seems to be the problem. You’re angry because you’re not getting what you want and you’re frustrated because you’re exhausted from trying — and I’m afraid you won’t get what you want with this guy, no matter how hard you try. If you stay with him, prepare for more anger until you drive him out. 🙁

What appears to have happened is that although you say he’s been your boyfriend of one year, later in the post you also say you dated for four years, broke up and then got back together. So, in the at least five years you’ve been with him, granted, off and on — you didn’t get to know some very important parts of who he is and what his family is like. Or — you did, and you ignored them. Women do this all the time, unfortunately. They aren’t clear with themselves about what they want in a relationship and stay focused on that goal. Or, they ignore who the person is because they’d rather be with someone wrong than be single and do the work required to find Mr. RIght.

I know you say you want him, and you want to rekindle the flame, but I don’t believe that he’s your Mr. Right. 😥 He’s got too many things about him that not only aren’t what you’re looking for — they’re deal breakers. Trying to change these parts of who he is, isn’t going to work. And you’re making mistakes that are pushing him away in the process, like having “the talk” and begging him to make changes.

This guy doesn’t sound right for you at all, and my advice is not to attempt something futile, but instead, accept that this isn’t a good relationship for you, and to move on, not waste any more of your time, and focus on what you really want in a relationship — then go get it! 😉

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