[naenae80]

My boyfriend is contact with his HS sweetheart who is married with 3 kids….said they were friends….said that she asked him a year ago if they would ever workout and he told her no -she responded “ok just friends then”. I was uneasy about this but decided it was a really good thing he choose to tell me and focused on that. As we started to get more serious I noticed this was frequent texting with pics. So I did something that I admit was wrong….I read the texts. They both did their best to not cross an imaginary line…..BUT they sent selfies back and forth, he told her how good she looked the last time he saw her, she gets whiney when he doesn’t give her enough attention, she likes every single Facebook post he has, and she kept really questioning our relationship. The final straw was that he met up with her and her husband….while he was very worried that her husband be there and be ok….he not only didn’t tell me – he lied when I asked if he saw her. I know you might say he couldn’t tell me because I’d overreact….but I promise this was all before I had a really big issue with this relationship. I think if her husband knew she wanted to know if their relationship would ever work he wouldn’t be ok with it either. I believe my boyfriend when he says he doesn’t want her…..but it just doesn’t sit well with me…..should it?? This has been the only area we haven’t agreed on….he has cheated on girlfriends in the past and seems to keep ex-girlfriends in his life and goes back to them upon breaking up with others for consolation.

[Ask April Masini]

The important thing is that the two of you have been dating for 18 months and discussing marriage. In addition to which it really doesn’t seem like the two of them have more than a flirtation, since the one time they met, she brought her husband. I completely understand your distress that he lied to you about this meeting, but now you have to decide how to proceed, and my advice is that you try to put yourself in his shoes. Empathy is going to help you understand his point of view and make a decision about your own behavior.

He’s probably got a crush on her, but he’s in love with you. Even if he marries you, he’s not going to be dead — just married. In other words, he’ll still find women attractive. He’ll still flirt. And he’ll still crush. This doesn’t mean he’s going to be unfaithful or that your marriage will be in trouble. The question is how much of this you can be okay with. I’ve seen couples break up without any cheating because one person is so worried the other will cheat, that that worry becomes the breaking point. This is what you want to avoid.

I think that for now, you have to back off your worry that he’s going to cheat. You’re in a committed relationship with him. Make the relationship your focus — not the obstacles that you imagine. Bring your A game and consider his feelings for her competition — not a straw to break the camel’s back. If you put him on the defense, you’re in a weaker position than if you compete and win him over. And consider that it might be better if you keep quiet about what you’ve learned by going through his phone, and give him the opportunity to disclose it to you when he’s ready. If you do, you’re both in a much stronger relationship position than if you accuse him of lying and he accuses you of snooping.

I hope that helps!

[Peaceandlove12022]

This must be very hard on you

[Ask April Masini]

Relationships can be complicated — but they don’t have to be. 🙂

[Sally]

This isn’t about her being married or him saying he doesn’t want her. It’s about boundaries — or the lack of them. The selfies, the compliments, the emotional whining, the constant attention… that’s not just friendly. And the lying? That’s the part that really matters. People don’t lie when they feel clean about what they’re doing.

The fact that he’s cheated before and keeps exes close for comfort makes this heavier, not lighter. Patterns matter. A lot.
You can believe he doesn’t want her and still know this situation isn’t healthy. Both can be true.

If something only survives by secrecy and half-truths, it’s already crossed a line. Trust your discomfort. It’s trying to tell you something important.

[Tara]

This doesn’t “sit well” with you because it’s not okay, and deep down you know it. Stop trying to rationalize behavior that would never pass a basic integrity test. Your boyfriend is maintaining an emotional affair with a married woman, full stop. Selfies, compliments, constant attention, jealousy when he pulls back, probing questions about your relationship, secrecy, and an outright lie about seeing her that’s not friendship. That’s emotional intimacy being hidden because he knows it’s wrong.

The lie is the nail in the coffin. People lie when the truth exposes behavior they don’t want judged. He didn’t lie to protect you from “overreacting.” He lied to protect access to her. And yes, if her husband knew the full context the “would we ever work” conversation, the emotional dependency, the attention-seeking he would absolutely not be okay with it. Your instinct there is correct.

He has cheated before, keeps exes orbiting his life, and uses them as emotional landing pads when relationships end. That’s not coincidence. That’s a pattern. Patterns don’t disappear because someone promises you they’re different with you. They disappear when someone does sustained, uncomfortable, corrective work and he hasn’t.

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