[Emilyoc]

Hi there

Im hoping you can help me. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years. Our relationship has been great and I believed he was the one for me. Recently in April of this year my life took a turn. I pretty much went through a nervous breakdown and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I was given medication by the doctor. My boyfriend recently moved to another city in September last, so we have been long distance since then. We decided to not contact each other for 6 weeks in April as my own issues were affecting our relationship. However I was unable to stick to this due to being so low. We broke our agreement and I went to stay with him. During this time he discovered I self harm. I have only self harmed max 4 times throughout him knowing me, but he never knew so he got a shock. I returned home after my visit and we kept in contact. I saw him a month late and he expressed his doubts as he had not expected me to be so unwell and felt he could not help me.I should also mention here that he has had a tough life, his parents divorcing when he was young, his father had mental health issues and passed away when he was 17. I feel on some level he does not want to deal with any more heartbreak. I told him I was doing well, it was June by this point and my life has been on the up. We decided we could make it work and he invited me to stay with him for 2 days. We had a wonderful 2 days together. He made all these plans and asked me to go on holiday with him in august. He initiated all these plans. He told me he loved me many times. I left and went back home, on my journery home he sent me a really sweet message and said talk soon. So, the problem is this.. I was home about a week and had been messaging him back and forth. it was his final week in College so he was busy. I felt he was acting distant and maybe he wanted to take things slower. I said we should just talk because I could tell he was acting distant so we arranged to meet. Then I panicked at the thought he had changed his mind and wanted to break up. I decided I couldn’t meet him as I was still fragile and needed time as I was doing so well now and was just back on my feet. He said he would give me time but we needed to talk. Then I told him I would talk to him in a few months as I needed to regain my confidence alone. He saw it but hasn’t replied. I told him he didnt need to. I know he will be faithful during this break, there is no worry about that.I consider him my boyfriend still. I told him he is the love of my life and he knows I want to be with him. After this I messaged him again to say I do not want to put his life on hold for me and if he is happier without me, I love him enough to let him go. I did not want to send this but I felt it was only right. We are still in a relationship on facebook. Im doing so well now, and I feel I could add happiness to his life again, but I need time because he seems to keep changing his mind. Am I doing the right thing by taking a break? I want to take this break so he can see I can live without him, I felt I was smothering him with my problems? Why did he suddenly act distant and want to talk? I would appreciate your help.
Thank you so much

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have a lot going on in your life, and I’m guessing you’re about 20 years old since you said your boyfriend is a senior in college. You’ve talked about your depression, your anxiety and your self harm — but you haven’t really talked about what’s causing these things. You said you had a nervous breakdown in April, about 3 months ago — and I think it’s important to talk about why you had a nervous breakdown and what caused it. Your own health is the most important thing in this post. Being healthy is the best baseline you can have in any relationship with someone else — whether it’s a boyfriend, an employer, a best friend or a sibling. So, that’s what you need to focus on first — even if it means doing so alone as a result of a break up.

I know you want to hold onto the relationship you have with your boyfriend of three and a half years, but it sounds like things are up and down and on the rocks — in spite of your love for each other. Sometimes loving someone isn’t enough to make things work in the long term. There has to be compatibility as well as mutual goals. Taking a break in a relationship is usually a soft ending for the relationship. It’s not what people do when they want to strengthen a commitment — it’s what they do when they need to get their own lives together, and for whatever reason, can’t do so within the relationship. Often, it’s a sign that they’re in over their heads in the relationship and shouldn’t be in one at that time. 😉

All relationships have problems — whether they’re mental health problems, money problems, family problems — and being able to work them out within the relationship is crucial to a relationship’s success. When devastating things happen, like the death of a child or being fired and going bankrupt, or a parent getting terminally ill, couples either grow stronger or they grow apart. I think that the two of you were not ready to grow stronger together from your problems — and there are many reasons that could be — but the bottom line is that you needed to be separate to take care of yourself, not together, and that created doubt in the relationship. The doubt opened the exit door, and it sounds like he is slowly leaving.

I know this isn’t what you want, but I think it’s an opportunity for you to work on yourself and get healthy, because like I said before, your health is your baseline from which all relationships either succeed or don’t succeed.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions, and let me know how things go, as well.

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[Lune David]

Wow… this whole story feels like watching two people who really love each other trying to hold onto a relationship while life keeps throwing heavy plot twists at them. It’s honestly heartbreaking but so real. 💔

You’ve been carrying a LOT — emotionally, mentally, and in the relationship — and it makes sense why everything feels fragile. And your boyfriend isn’t a bad guy either… it sounds like he’s just scared, overwhelmed, and unsure if he can handle more pain because of his past.

From the outside, it feels like both of you are trying so hard to protect each other that you’re accidentally pulling further apart. You want space to heal, he wants clarity, but neither of you are really saying what you’re truly feeling that you’re scared to lose each other.

I don’t think your break is “wrong,” but it’s also not a magic fix. Breaks usually show people whether they miss each other or whether they needed the distance.
What matters most now is you taking care of your health first because no relationship can feel safe if you don’t feel steady inside your own life.

Just remember: love can survive a lot, but it can’t fix everything by itself. And sometimes the strongest thing you can do is step back, heal, and see what grows naturally instead of forcing the next chapter.

[Lidya]

Space is good during difficult times in a relationship, but months of silence often end a relationship.
AskApril is right that love alone is not enough. If a couple is unable to solve problems together in difficult times and needs to separate, it means they are not ready to be together.
I think you shouldn’t depend 100 percent on your boyfriend for your happiness and health. When you feel healthy yourself, you will still be able to bring happiness to someone else’s life.
So takes care

[Member]

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