[Anonymous]

Four months ago I broke up with my ex gf. We were together for well over a year and some months. When she came into my life I was a mess, my life was in shambles regarding school, my grades, my parents, my image of myself and I was torn apart over a girl I used to really like, though I was over her a couple years before I met my ex. My dad was always mad at me, my friends seemed to not care…I felt alone and like a monster. When we first spoke it was normal conversation, I shared some info about my culture and my cultural experiences and things, we had fun conversating about that. We exchanged emails and by the second conversation, when we spoke, I was depressed and having a bad day, so I expressed it randomly and out of the blue, not really thinking…about my troubles and all…I then realized I looked real bad and told her sorry and that I wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t want to speak with me again.

Surprisingly she was nice about it and spoke positively and optimistically…I guess trying to make me feel better. She always tried to get me to look at life differently, and positively..but I never did. I added her on Facebook and she mentioned something about my profile and statuses and asked me if I was depressed, what was wrong, things like that. She even suggested I get therapy but I don’t believe in it. Anyway, basically she was really patient with me, understanding, really nice, and I hadn’t experienced that in a while so I started to like her a lot and eventually I told her. She seemed real nervous and didn’t want to be in any relationship, she was looking for a friend. Whenever we spoke it made me sad because I couldn’t have her and she saw that…not to mention I’d ask a lot…Thanksgiving came and I heard she cried because she felt pressured and I felt real bad. Christmas came and when she called me to wish me a merry Xmas it kinda turned into another conversation about how bad it was for me…because I didn’t get what I wanted…but she was always caring…even when she had her own problems and I’d get upset and turn it into a conversation about me cuz I felt I wasn’t helping like I wanted to….she stayed around. It meant a lot to me.

Eventually we did end up in a relationship, she said yes, and shortly after, we had problems. As time went on she seemed to be emotionally distant or even annoyed…it’s like anything I said made her frustrated. We spoke all the time, all night. When we stayed over together I liked her to give me a lot of attention too, sometimes she did but sometimes she watched tv and didn’t. She would sometimes get quiet and turn away or put my hands off of her. We argued a lot during this time, she complained that we didn’t see or talk to each other adequately (we were in a long distance) like a normal relationship, and got upset when I went out with friends. I admit I was passive, I didn’t contact her throughout the day but when we did speak at night, when she’d call, we’d speak for several hours so it didn’t matter. Normal couples don’t speak that long. Anyway my grades were suffering and I was depressed because she was always mad at me it seemed, and the fights and the anxiety made me depressed. When she’d tell me she didn’t wanna be with me constantly it hurt. I wanted to concentrate on school, be with friends and family so during the last few months of our relationship I didn’t really talk to her even though I saw she was trying to contact me because we fought a lot and she’d say really mean things. After a few months, she called me and asked what happened to me.

I answered and let her know eventually then that I wanted to be single and let her know that she hurt me a lot when we fought, and that I felt inadequate all the time and depressed because she was always mad at me or complaining about something I wasn’t doing right it seemed. Even other people noticed I was depressed. She wasn’t gentle enough with me and I wanted more balance in my life with friends and family, which I also told her. I want my career too. I need to do me. That night, as I told her these things and she was crying a lot but didn’t argue with anything I said and even went with it. I told her that the pain she is feeling now was how she made me feel when she expressed not wanting me anymore during fights. It wasn’t like I was looking for revenge, just being honest and making a point. Anyway by the end of the convo, I asked if we could still be friends and she said yes, and I asked if she call me every week and she said yes, and by the end of that 4 hour long convo we were on good terms, and we said our good nights. This was in Sep, and I haven’t gotten a call since. No email, no more facebook, no nothing. I even noticed she blocked me on Facebook. It upsets me because I thought we were on good terms, she said we could be friends, said she’d stay in touch and promised she wouldn’t disappear at my request, yet she did anyway.

I thought she was beautiful, inside and out and wanted to remain friends because it is not everyday you find genuine, kind people. I mean she was there for me in my darkest days, listened and never left me even though she seemed to have gotten depressed and tired of me progressively over time. I tried to change for the better of the relationship but you can’t get better over night. She wasn’t patient enough. But I wanted to be her friend at least. Is she hurt and just needs to sort out her feelings because I broke up with her? I read the messages she left while I was away for a while before I broke up w her and she seemed real devastated and suffering. A lot of her contacting me went unanswered, even when she took the blame for our problems & poured her heart out about her feelings. Now I know she was waiting for me. Did she remember this and that is why she’s avoiding me now? Does she just need space or did she cut me out of her life for good? Will I ever see her again?

She has never left me or went so long without contacting me…during our friendship I always begged her not to leave me and she had said she never would, so why is she now? Even when I was taking time for myself and wasn’t answering her messages, she contacted me everyday looking for me, trying to see what happened to me and the relationship, so why isn’t she contacting me now? It isn’t like her. Idk what to think anymore and I can’t read her language. Please help, what’s wrong with her and what do I do? Tx.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around you. 😳 She isn’t responding to your contacts because YOU told her you wanted to be single. Respect her decision and respect her silence as a message that she’s through.

My advice is twofold. First of all, you need to do some volunteer work with people who are worse off than you are so you don’t keep feeling sorry for yourself. Start giving back without expecting anything in return. That will help you a lot in your personal relationships.

Second of all, my advice is that you find women who are local to date so you don’t have to suffer long distance complications. Because you have a complicated emotional life, internally, it’s better for you to have more face to face contact with anyone you’re dating. The distance just creates exponential problems for you.

I hope that helps and that you start accepting that your ex has moved on and you should, too.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

No no, sorry let me clear up some confusion. I never contacted her. The contact part: I was overwhelmed with everything in my life including our relationship and the fights, so I kinda pulled a disappearing act, meaning not answering her messages, not calling her back, not contacting her etc. One day she called after a while of this and she asked what happened, and while I didn’t initially bring it up when she called, she kept asking so I finally told her I wanted to be single and told her reasons why I couldn’t contact her or answer her contacts…life was rough, so…

Then after I tried to give her an explanation WHY I wanted to break up with her and let her know she wasn’t gentle enough with me. I’m really sensitive and am having a rough time right now with school, my emotions, my parents and dependence on them. I felt inadequate and told her she had issues and that she hurt me because she has said horrible things to me during fights. All in all, I gave her the reason why I wanted to be single, and she cried yes, but she didn’t argue my points and when I asked her if we could be friends she said YES! That’s the thing…she said YES…I asked her to call me every week. I was expecting a call the next week and never got one. several months has passed and I have heard nothing from her, and she blocked me on Facebook. Mind you, last we spoke, we ended on good terms, she said we could be friends and speak every week and that was that….so why is it that she has disappeared now?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She had a chance to think things through and decided she didn’t want to be friends.

Re-read the advice I gave you, and I hope you’ll give it a try — it’ll help! 😉

I also hope you’ll follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

[Anonymous]

But why would she not want to be friends do you think? And why didn’t she tell me before she disappeared?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She doesn’t want to be friends because she doesn’t think she’s getting anything positive out of the relationship. You have to try to empathize to understand she’s seeing things through HER eyes — not yours. Just because YOU think the friendship is a benign and even good idea, she doesn’t. It takes two people to make a friendship work. She’s not interested now.

She didn’t tell you this before because either she didn’t realize it in the moment or else she did, but didn’t want to engage with you any more. She did what she wanted to do.

I hope that helps you. 😀

[Anonymous]

Do you think it was messed up that she disappeared that way and didn’t even say anything?

[Anonymous]

She isn’t obligated to tell you anything. Wasn’t it you who pulled the first disappearing act on her, in the first place? What goes around comes around. She wasn’t even obligated to get into a relationship with you after you begged her, or to stay friends with you when you cried for her to stay, which is kinda scary and rather emotionally unstable of you. She left because she got tired of your emotional abuse and decided she was better off not knowing you anymore. You need to look in the mirror at your issues before you place on someone else. You cannot expect to get into a relationship with all that emotional instability going on within you and success in it, or expect a woman to want to stay with you and not get sick of you after a while. Next time, work on your issues so that the next woman won’t have to suffer, and put forth more effort and less blaming other women. Frankly, you’re lucky she didn’t chop your head off when you told her you were single and blamed her for everything that went wrong.

Answer: Leave her alone. Go get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Um, I dunno who answer is, but is it just me or is he/she really mean in his/her advice, April? I want the honest truth, but I’m not sure I agree with what he/she said. What do you think?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The reason [b]Answer’s[/b] post appears mean to you is because he or she is telling you what you don’t want to hear, and he or she is frustrated that you’re not processing my advice so [b]Answer[/b] is being blunt with you in an effort to get you to understand what’s going on. 😕 It’s not “messed up” that the object of your affection reacted the way she did. You’re not taking responsibility for your part in this dynamic. It’s time for you to focus on you and not anyone else. Read the advice. Buy the book.

If your ex doesn’t want to talk to you, then don’t bother her. Find a new girlfriend. The book, Date Out of Your League, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url], will help you. 😉

[Member]

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