[GreatHeart]

Dear April,

I am in my 40’s and have one son who is in his 20’s. We lost his father(my husband) when he was an infant. I was a housewife at the time. Over the years I put my son first coupled with my education. I obtained my bachelor’s degree at night and did not date a whole lot. Over the last 2.5 years, I met someone that has just filled my heart with so much love I never thought it would happen. He has four wonderful kids that I just adore every minute I get to spend with them. Him and I have spoken about getting married many times and we both would like to (yeah there is that BUT) we have never been engaged. I guess I thought people get engaged before marriage. Now we have talked about this over a year ago. When I asked him if we would ever be engaged he said I thought we were virtually. Of course I had to laugh looking at my hands and say nope it appears to me I am virtually single. At first he felt we should be married before we live together which is fine but that thought process has changed. He now just wants me to move in and my son to also move in while he goes to college. Now I should point this out, I stay at his house almost every night but when he has the kids we do not sleep together. Which is fine. But if I just move in and we are not married what is that difference between sleeping together now or in a month? I guess I get confused. I have asked him about that and he states when you move we will tell the kids we are going to get married. Now, he keeps saying he would like to get married but I am wondering if that is truely the case. I know what I want but I am wondering if he really knows what he wants. I would like to be be with him get married and live in the same household. But I dont want to waste my time if it is never going to happen. Please help me see the light.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good question. 😉

My advice is that if you want to be married, you not move in with him and to trust your instincts. If he truly did want to get engaged and marry you when the two of you discussed it, he’s changed his mind about getting engaged to you, and I’m not sure why, but clearly he has. Two and a half years is plenty of time (especially at your ages) to figure out if this is Mr. or Ms. Right and then act on it.

Decide what you want in your own life. He’s clear in his behavior about what he wants, but you seem to have gotten yourself confused in the way that so many women do. If you want to be married, then you have to be available to a man who wants to marry you and if someone doesn’t, you have to be willing to move on and go after what it is you want for YOU. His remark about being “virtually engaged” isn’t respectful of your feelings. Do you have the courage to see that?

Let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Anonymous]

We talked about this and it finally came to him being afraid of marriage. He said people change after marriage. I told him that there is not anything that states you have to be married to be with someone. I also mentioned that not everyone changes and just because he experienced difficulties in his relationship with his ex does not mean everyone is the same. Relationships are risky and nothing is guarenteed in life, you can live in a cave or you can take a chance on being happy. We both were married previously and unfortuntely his ex must have screwed up his life. The difference between him and I, is that I have been single or not married for nearly 20 years and him 3. I told him what is the rush just be straight with me. I mentioned that I am in my 40’s not in my 20’s and I would hope we were past games. I told him that I expect him to just be honest, that I deserve that much. We have talked about living together and I honestly think that he would like to get married but his rush seems to be a result of his kids perspective of how people live their lives with one another. I told him the world has changed over time and nothing is technically wrong with living with someone and not being married. I prefer it actually. I believe it gives you the opportunity to really get to know someone at face value. You just have to be ready and it has to feel right. Sure I would love to be married to him but I have the same right now as being married other then the same last name. I still have the same commitment as if I were married. I told him to think about what he wants and by the time I sell my house if he had not decided I will plan on getting my own place again that I did not mind. He said he wanted to be with me and me to live with him. I only want him to be happy as he seems like he has suffered many years by verbal abuse. I really love him. Does it seem as though I am being fair?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your being [i]fair[/i] doesn’t really enter into this. You have to be [i][b]realistic[/b][/i] instead. If you want to be married, you have to choose someone who also wants to be married. It feels like you’re trying to talk him into marriage because he isn’t willing to go there of his own volition. You’re smart, so you’re delivering a dissertation on the situation, but I’m smart, too 😆 so I can see you’re throwing up a smokescreen so you don’t have to deal with the fact that he’s not offering you a ring, a proposal or a date. Giving him an ultimatum (which is essentially what you’re doing by giving him a date when he has to decide or lose you) isn’t the best way to approach a man, and will usually come back to haunt you later.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps its me that needs to ask myself the true question. Do I want to be married? Or am I content with the relationship he has to offer. I believe once I know the answer to that then I will either be able to let go & move on or be content with life as it is.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re trying to be too academic. Decide what you want (that should always happen before you even begin dating someone), and then decide if this is the person who can give it to you. Until you know what you want (which I believe is marriage based on what you have and haven’t said), and when you can say it out loud, decide if he’s the one who can give it to you. If not, move on

I hope that helps. 😀

[Member]

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