[JMP1369]

Here is the situation I have been in a relationship for about a year with this girls and here daughter who now calls me Dad. That is fantastic and I act accordingly. The problem is we live in PA. and she wants to go visit the ex-boyfriends parents in Texas, also where the ex lives. She was with her ex for about two years and became very found of there parents, referring to the mom as a friend. Also they care a lot for the child as well who is now 5 years old. The problem is I am uncomfortable with the whole thing. Just the fact that there both going to be close to the ex number one. Number two I feel as though the child shouldn’t be placed back into a situation for even a short period of time ( a weekend ) in which she was torn apart from. When my girlfriend first presented the situation I expressed my discomfort with them going down there in a serious manor. Then she asked what if they came up to PA to visit. To which I replied I don’t have a problem with. I thought the problem passed and she would have them come up only to here from her that the parents are paying for the plain fair for the both of them and that they are going. Am I being crazy, or showing a lack of trust? I do trust this girl with everything, she has distinguished any signs of distrust at any point and time. She is a great girlfriend, mom, and person, but I am very uncomfortable with the whole thing for the reasons presented above. I feel as though she doesn’t care enough about my feelings in order to put me in this situation. Please comment! I need help ASAP!!!

[Ask April Masini]

You never mentioned whether or not the ex-boyfriend is the father of your girlfriend’s child. That makes a big difference. You said that the little girl is 5 and your girlfriend was with her ex for 2 years, so I’m going to assume that he is the father, and that they’ve been split up for 3 years. I trust you’ll correct me if that’s not right.

It sounds like your girlfriend wants to bring her daughter to visit the child’s grandma and grandpa in Texas where her ex, who is also her daughter’s father lives. The grandparents are offering to pay the plane fare and you’re jealous because you don’t have a standing in this family.

Since you’re not engaged or married to your girlfriend, she has every right to take her daughter to visit the grandparents. In fact, she’s actually being responsible by keeping her daughter’s relationships with the little girl’s family alive. Like it or not, the little girl has a father and grandparents who live in Texas. It’s important for her to know her family regardless of whether they’re divorced, never married and split up, or some other machination. Family is family and in today’s world, it doesn’t always look like a Norman Rockwell painting.

I know you think it’s nice that the little girl is calling you Dad, but while it makes you feel good, it’s misleading to the child. If you want to marry her mother and become her stepfather or adopt her as your own, then that would be the time for her to call you Dad. It is wildly inappropriate for her to call her mother’s boyfriend, Dad, however. For now, your first name, or some other pet name is all that’s appropriate for your girlfriend’s five year old daughter to call you.

Until you’re ready to get engaged or married, I’m afraid the appropriate place for you to be is at home, while your girlfriend takes her daughter to visit her dad and grandparents in Texas. If you decide to get engaged or married, then it would be appropriate for you to go with on the trip.

Figure out what you want from this relationship. When you date a single mother, the scenarios are more complicated than when you date a woman without children.

[JMP1369]

You are correct in assuming he isn’t the actual father. Just a boyfriend of 2 years. Also I would never allow for her to call me father without the intentions of getting married otherwise I would consider myself a scumbag. We would be married if I had the money for the proper ring she deserves. I just didn’t know if the little girl should be put back into that type of situation. Also wanted to know if I really am acting crazy to not feel comfortable with the situation. Again it isn’t a lack of trust, just something I feel should be perhaps left in the past in order to move forward. Before anything I do I always first consider her feelings and always put our little girl first. The real father / sperm donor is not in the picture what so ever

[Ask April Masini]

I didn’t realize that the boyfriend was NOT your girlfriend’s daughter’s father. That is different, and the advice I would give in this situation is [i]not[/i] the same as above.

Since your girlfriend, it now seems, is visiting an ex-boyfriend’s parents in Texas, with her five year old daughter, and probably the ex-boyfriend who lives in the area, too, it doesn’t sound like a trip she necessarily should make unless she’s interested in getting back together with the boyfriend there, and if that’s the case, she probably shouldn’t visit with her child. These are just family friends, in this case, and not blood relatives of the little girl. Very different scenario.

My guess is that your radar picks up a possible romantic reunion between your girlfriend and her ex that’s going to be nurtured by his parents. And complications since the child is going to be there, too. It’s going to be like a big, faux family. And you’re going to be left out. You’re right to be nervous. And, no, you’re not crazy to feel uncomfortable. Your relationship is at risk if she goes.

And…you’re probably right that the child shouldn’t be dragged back into this potential dating situation but the reality is that this isn’t your business as the boyfriend. Again, if you were the fiance or the father, you would have more of a say in this scenario. And if you intend to marry your girlfriend, you don’t necessarily need jewelry to do it.

If you need to make more money in order to be the husband you want to be, get a second job, or a better first one. An engagement ring doesn’t have to be a big, shiny rock — it can be a beautiful pair of elegant diamond chip earrings, with a bigger, better present on each anniversary. Instead of a ring, the engagement present can be a downpayment on a starter home or a condo — or even a lease on an apartment for the three of you. An engagement gift of a ring is a lovely tradition, but it doesn’t have to be the only way to do things.

In other words, if you’ve been dating this woman for a year, decide whether you want to marry her or not, and do one or the other. If you’re just her boyfriend, she has every right to play the field in whatever way she does it. It’s easy to sit here and pass judgment on a single mother’s dating habits, but a lot harder to walk in her shoes. If you want to be the husband and stepfather, step up to the plate and do it. At that point you have every right to ask her not to go on the trip or to accompany her yourself, as a family member.

Hope that helps.

[Ethan Morales]

April’s answer is very clear and grounded in both the emotional and practical realities of your situation. Here’s how I see it: It’s completely normal to feel uncomfortable about your girlfriend and her daughter visiting the ex’s family, especially since it involves the child’s father and grandparents. Your feelings are about concern, attachment, and your place in this family but it’s important to separate your emotions from controlling the situation. Feeling uneasy isn’t the same as having the right to veto the visit.

You’re in a serious relationship, and the child sees you as a father figure but legally and emotionally, you are her mother’s boyfriend, not a parent yet. That distinction matters in terms of decision-making. Since you’re not engaged or married, it’s not unreasonable for her to take the daughter to see her family in Texas, especially when maintaining family connections is important for the child’s well-being.

Even if you feel jealous or excluded, her daughter’s bond with her grandparents and father (if he’s the ex) is meaningful and healthy. Short trips like this don’t diminish your role; they simply maintain the child’s sense of family continuity.

Your discomfort doesn’t automatically mean distrust. It’s more about feeling vulnerable and left out. The key here is to communicate clearly but without trying to block the trip. For example, you can express your emotions honestly: “I feel uneasy about this trip because I’m close to your daughter and I worry about being left out, but I understand the importance of her seeing her grandparents.” This frames your feelings without demanding control.

If you intend to be a permanent figure in this child’s life, your role is about support and stability, not vetoing her mother’s decisions. Eventually, if you marry or adopt, you’ll be fully integrated into these family dynamics but for now, patience and understanding are key.

You’re not being “crazy” or untrusting; you’re human and protective. The healthiest approach is to respect the visit, express your feelings honestly, and focus on the bond you already have with the child. Being supportive now strengthens your relationship with both mother and daughter.

[Serena Vale]

You’re not crazy for feeling this way. Anyone in your shoes would be uneasy. It’s not about trust, it’s about comfort and respect. You’ve built something real with her and her daughter, so it’s only natural to feel protective when the past comes back into the picture.

It sounds like you were honest about how you felt, and she went ahead anyway. That’s the part that stings, not the trip itself, but feeling like your feelings didn’t matter in the decision.

You don’t have to fight over it, but you can tell her calmly that this isn’t about control, it’s about being included and considered. You trust her, but you also need to feel that your voice counts in things that affect you both.

If she can understand that, it’ll make your bond stronger.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve been invested in this family unit, and the fact that the little girl calls you Dad naturally makes you feel protective and connected. Your discomfort isn’t about mistrust of your girlfriend, it’s about concern for the child and your own role within this budding family dynamic. You’re picking up on potential complications, like the proximity to the ex and the possibility of old attachments resurfacing, and that instinct is valid. Feeling uneasy about the child being exposed to a situation that might be emotionally confusing for her is a natural parental instinct, even if you’re not the biological father.

It’s also important to recognize the distinction between your role and her obligations as a mother. Because the ex isn’t the child’s biological father in this scenario, the trip isn’t about maintaining legal or familial ties, but rather about her desire to preserve long-standing friendships. From her perspective, she may see it as harmless and beneficial for the child to maintain connections with people who have been significant in her life. That doesn’t diminish your feelings. it just highlights a difference in perspective.

Your position as her boyfriend gives you emotional investment, but not final authority over these decisions. The best approach is to communicate openly and calmly with your girlfriend about your concerns. Express that your discomfort comes from wanting to protect the child and your sense of family stability, not from a lack of trust in her. At the same time, it’s important to acknowledge her right to maintain meaningful friendships, especially those that include the child’s history and support network. Finding a compromise or establishing clear boundaries for future trips could help ease your anxiety without alienating her.

this situation is a test of your role as a supportive partner while also asserting your feelings. The key is clarity about what you want long-term: if marriage and becoming a full stepfather is your goal, then you may need to start asserting your role in family decisions as that relationship deepens. If you’re not yet ready for that level of commitment, it may be wise to accept certain limitations on your influence for now, while continuing to communicate honestly about your feelings and ensuring that your presence and care for the child is consistent and loving.

[Tara]

You’re threatened. And you’re dressing it up as concern for a child because it sounds nobler than admitting you don’t like the idea of your girlfriend being anywhere near the man who came before you.

You’re calling yourself “Dad,” but the second her past shows up, your confidence collapses. That tells me you’re playing the role, not owning it.
She told you they were going. You voiced your concern. She went anyway. That’s not disrespect, that’s her refusing to rearrange her life, her kid’s connections, and her past relationships to soothe your insecurity. Those people were bonded to her and the child long before you showed up, and you expecting her to sever that because you feel uneasy is pure ego dressed as protectiveness.

You’re not worried about the kid being “torn apart again.” You’re worried about you being replaced. And instead of admitting that, you’re pretending you’re some guardian of emotional stability. Stop lying to yourself.

Here’s the part you don’t want to acknowledge: she gave you a compromise, have them visit PA. But their parents offered to pay to fly them down. Money, convenience, and their desire to see the child outweighed your vague discomfort. And instead of adjusting like an adult, you’re spiraling.

You say you trust her. No, you trust her until she does something that pokes your insecurities. That’s not trust. That’s conditional approval.
She doesn’t have to choose between keeping old meaningful relationships and keeping you. You’re the only one trying to make it a competition.

[Sally]

You’ve stepped into a real family role, and it hurts to feel like your voice doesn’t matter in decisions that big. Wanting to protect a kid and wanting to feel respected as her partner isn’t being insecure it’s being human.

But here’s the harder truth: this trip isn’t really about the ex. It’s about her history, her friendships, and the people who cared for her daughter before you came in. That doesn’t make it easier, but it does mean it isn’t automatically a threat.

What matters most is this: she made plans after you said you were uncomfortable. That’s the part you two need to talk about, calmly, without blaming. Not the trip the feeling of being shut out.

If you’re going to be a family, decisions like this have to include you. Otherwise the resentment just grows quiet and heavy.

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