[kellie]

My long story short as possible:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we’ve been going long distance for a year now with very few visits. Were both 20. I met this other guy at work(doesn’t currently work there anymore) and I’ve been flirting and texting him a lot that I began to have feelings for him. We shared intimate hugs,I said inappropriate things to this guy like ” i cant wait to see you” or ” i like you”. Because he’d just stop by to just see me.. I was acting single & was basically ignoring my boyfriend since I’ve known him. ( not proud to say this now) but I was cheating on my boyfriend ( NO sex though or anything close to it). He kissed me goodbye. I basically had a separate relationship with this other guy that didn’t even last a month. A fling. One huge mistake. I was going to break things off with my bf for this guy because I thought this guy was what I wanted. But when it came close to leave him, I just couldn’t. I told him we might need a break but he wanted me to think about it more. But later that day,I took it further with this other guy and was kissing him and acting like a couple. He asked me out and I said yes. After that day ended I felt so horrible and wrong. This guy wasn’t right for me& I might of just screwed it up with the guy I truly love thousands of miles away. So I told my boyfriend later that all I wanted was to be with him forever and I meant that. And later told the guy that best we take it slow and be friends. ( I lied about saying that because I didn’t know any other excuse,I was being stupid.) But I told him the truth eventually after I came clean with my boyfriend. I continued talking to the other guy because he was my only friend at the time and he was just really nice. But I realized that was wrong of me too and I soon just deleted everything and cut all contact. I haven’t seen or talk To him since last time we hung out as friends. Which was months ago.
That was my series of bad decisions that I very much regret. I was being to stupid and blinded by lust. I hate myself for what I did. I love my bf and I wish something else were to open my eyes. I know for a fact I won’t ever cheat again but I can’t forgive myself. He forgives me though. When I told my boyfriend, I didn’t give him EVERY intimate details because what I told him was hurtful and selfish enough. And telling him would only to relieve my own guilt. I constantly feel like I don’t deserve him. I’m trying my best to make up for what I screwed up. I’ve changed myself completely and I even bought a plane ticket I could barely afford to visit him & I’m giving him every reason to trust me again. My whole perspective of things are different now and I’m stronger For us and the distance. I learned a lot about myself and what needed to be fixed in my relationship.
It’s been 5 months and I still think about what I’ve done everyday. Looking back I don’t even know why I did it and what exactly I was thinking/feelings. Could be because I was lonely and my mindset of me distance was crushing, but I know I just acted towards my feelings when I shouldn’t of.
My bf is treating me better more than ever and trying hard to make things good between us like nothing has happened. And I feel like I just don’t deserve it. Sometimes I wish he’d just be mean to me or leave me because I feel like that’s what I deserve but I don’t want to be without him. When he’s mad at me I feel relieved then try fix what’s he’s mad at me over but when he’s treating me good I feel lucky,good and bad at the same time. He really didn’t get pissed at me or tell me how he felt about the whole thing. Nor did he ask any questions or want to know more info. He’s like over it and I’m not.
Sometimes I feel fine and that I should make this best of things especially when were on the phone and other times I over think and what I’ve done and feel like I screwed up beyond repair.
I LOVE THIS GUY. And I feel like me constantly feeling this way and constantly thinking about what I’ve done will ruin my relationship.
I don’t know what to do ,why can’t I just get over things? Do I need to tell him everything??
Am what I’m feelings normal??

Id really appriciate any advice or feedback!!!!!!!. Thank you everyone.

[Ask April Masini]

Long distance relationships are very difficult, and they’re not for everyone. You really need to take that in, fully, and understand that you were holding yourself and your boyfriend to in-town standards when you were long distance, and you may have been setting yourself up for failure by doing so. In other words, you need to better understand why you did what you did so you can forgive yourself, because your boyfriend has. So here are some things to think about:

1. You were lonely. This is normal. You haven’t mentioned the parameters of the distance — why the relationship became long-distance after living close to each other for several years of dating, and when it will stop being long distance. Those are important. If there’s no end date in sight, it’s easy to be crushed by the feeling that this is how things are going to be, infinitely, and how that’s not a happy feeling for you.

2. You were up front with your boyfriend about what happened without going into detail. That was appropriate. He’s not stupid. He knows there’s more. And he’s okay with what happened, at least enough to stay in the game with you. You don’t have to confess every detail. In addition to which, consider that he may have been in the same situation you were in, on his end. Long distance relationships sometimes require a don’t ask, don’t tell policy — this isn’t for everyone, but it is a tool that some couples use to make things work.

3. Consider that the guilt you’re feeling about what you did isn’t really guilt about what you did — it’s guilt because you don’t want to be in a long distance relationship any more, and you feel badly about taking care of yourself and your own feelings. Break ups between kind people are the hardest. It’s much easier when there’s abuse or a big fight — leaving feels justified. But when circumstances change, and an in town relationship becomes long distance, you may not be as into the relationship any more — even though you love the guy. This is tough to reconcile because he’s a good guy, and you love him, but the relationship, itself, isn’t right for you. 😉

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[kellie]

Thank you for your input!

We had to go the distance because my dad was in the Air Force and we were over seas and so we had to PSC back to the States and in another country is where I met my boyfriend.
Long distance isn’t what I want and it may not be right for me,but he is and I don’t want to break up for that reason. I want to get through the hard times with him and I’m more determined more than ever to make this work. I’m working on being with him again,just the process getting there is really hard.
I’m just scared that ill screw up because I have so much guilt over what I had done and I feel the need to tell him everything that went on to get rid of the Guilt because what I have already told, didn’t help and I’m so selfish for that!! It’s almost like I have no control over my emotions and I’ve looked for advice everrrrrywhere and everyone has no problem with not reading everything and see the words ” I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend ” and judge me right then and there and it makes me feel as though I deserve nothing and that I’m a horrible person AND my relationship will never work out. It damaged me. And it made me lose hope for our relationship even though every relationship is different. I just want to know that my relationship can get through this and relationships do work out when theres infidelity involved and not as rare as people say. 🙁

[Ask April Masini]

Is there a parameter on how long this will be long distance? Or is it indefinitely like this?

[kellie]

I’m planning on going over seas to school next year, around spring

[Ask April Masini]

Okay, so it sounds like you have one more year of this relationship being long distance! Then, you’ll be together. 😀 And… it sounds like you have this very strong urge to confess to your boyfriend, beyond what you’ve told him, so that you can feel better about yourself. In other words, you want him to forgive you and make you feel better. 😕 Things are fine between the two of you, but they’re not fine between you and yourself.

Look, relationships absolutely [b]can[/b] survive infidelity. But it requires both parties to want to work things through, and time. Doing this long distance is complicated. Your communication is already more difficult than if you were in town, and it’s easy to imagine scenarios, like the cheating instances, that may have happened, or may not have happened — when you’re both not together because of the distance. But the bottom line is that it sounds like your problem is not really with your boyfriend — it’s with yourself. You have feelings of guilt about your own behavior that are unresolved, and you want to feel better. This isn’t really about the relationship — it’s about your feelings about you. 😉 That’s why I gave you the advice in the last post I wrote — for you to really slow down, think about who you are, what you did, and why — and get to know you, and what will work for you. Frankly, some of what you write makes it sound like you want to subconsciously sabotage our relationship. 😥 Try working on you — without involving him in this. 😉

I hope you can re-read these posts and get some comfort in them.

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[kellie]

I need to sort out my selfish ways & i agree with you that its about me. I just keep causes me more pain than anyone because hes over it Already and im Not. I really do try to think about WHY, but I honestly don’t know why. Because for a short time I allowed myself to have feelings for someone else but at the same time loved my boyfriend because I just couldn’t leave him. And me not knowing why kills me. I know I won’t do what I did again, but everyone tells me to figure out why and I really don’t have a clue. I have ideas but I’m not sure if that’s the case and they just all sound like excuses. What you’ve said really did help me out,& I really do thank you. But I’m just kind of stuck on this now 🙁

[Ask April Masini]

Be patient with yourself. Not every answer comes when you want it to. Sometimes you’ll be doing something normal and your subconscious will be at work without your realizing it, and you can have an “Aha!” moment when it all becomes clear. It could happen soon — or in years from now. So allow yourself to find the answers, and in the meantime, conduct your behavior in a way that serves your goals. 😉

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[kellie]

I just have a few more questions ,sorry for the long post: 😐 not sure if you’ll have answers for me but I really just need someone to listen & share their thoughts since I have no one else to talk to.

Is it possible that I may never know?? Or is it important that I have to know to move on and repair?

What can I do for the guilt of things I didn’t tell him? and feeling bad when he’s treating me good saying that he’d do anything for me and talking about me behind my back to other people of good things about me when I don’t deserve all those kind words because I’ve done him so wrong. maybe I feel this way because he doesn’t know EVERYTHING about my “separate relationship” & leading them both on?But why am I not glad that he isn’t treating me like crap for my mistakes?

How can I get over that not telling him everything is the best or should I be honest about everything? What should I not tell him?

Will treating him the best he deserves get rid of these feelings??

Why do I feel a sense of relief or I just don’t worry about about what I’ve done when our relationship is on the edge or when we argue and I fight for it back?
Is it really important what I all did and try to understand it when I know I won’t do those things again?

I keep trying to explain my mind set of what I want thinking of the time when I was cheating and I keep bringing it up with different theory’s eachtime and everytime I do it makes things worse but I constantly think about those things and it botheres me not knowing what exactly I was thinking when everything was fine with my bf.
I don’t know why but maybe I like the thrill and drama of almost losing it all and I always take my chances with my relationship and always come close to screwing it up when I really don’t mean and want that.

[kellie]

I also feel horrible about this but he had an suspicion that I was doing simmering wrong or I might leave him for someone else and he was right. He was so scared I was going to leave him and he acted like how I begged i begged him to act for many years, and that’s showing me he loves and appreciates me. It’s cruel of me, but I loved when he acted this way but I felt it as thought it was too late because I’ve found someone else who appreciated me. And I reassured him that I wasn’t going to leave him but I had already been cheating and I continued to cheat after we had that conversation but only that same day, then I broke it off with the other guy. I feel so ashamed of myself for the betrayal. I regret it so much. I was being so selfish to go out with someone else Without talking to my boyfriend first to work things out. But I always brought up what I needed from him several times before and it seems like he doesn’t listen and nothing changes. So I hope this opened his eyes because it did for me.

[Ask April Masini]

At the very end of all these posts is the first time you mentioned that something wasn’t quite right in your primary relationship, and that you hoped that the cheating opened your boyfriend’s eyes to your needs. 😯 Here’s what you wrote:

[quote]I regret it so much. I was being so selfish to go out with someone else Without talking to my boyfriend first to work things out. But I always brought up what I needed from him several times before and it seems like he doesn’t listen and nothing changes. So I hope this opened his eyes because it did for me.[/quote]

This is the first time in all your posts that you’re mentioning that there was a problem in your long distance relationship. Consider that you’re doing here what you did in real life — not being completely honest up front — and finally doing so. 😉 I’m not hurt, but someone else may be by this kind of behavior. 😉

I was going to answer all the specific questions you asked in your second to last post here, but I think the issue you brought up in your very last post is what really needs to be addressed. If you want to work on the long distance relationship than you have to talk about what’s going on there — the cheating was a symptom of those problems, not the cause. 😉

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[Ralph@fun]

Im new to this can someone help on how to post my story

[Ralph@fun]

Im new to this can someone help on how to post my story

[Ralph@fun]

Im new to this can someone help on how to post my story

[Ralph@fun]

Im new to this can someone help on how to post my story

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