[Anonymous]

Hi,
My husband and I have been married for just over 3 years. We were friends for a year and then got together not long after I ended a relationship with my ex, who I had been with for 3 years. After this relationship with my ex, I didn’t want another serious relationship unless it was going to be forever, so maybe I rushed into getting married? At the time I really believed my husband was “the one”.
Over the past year and a half, things have been getting difficult. I won’t go into heaps of details, but to give you an idea:
– my husband began to be verbally abusive and manipulative because he didn’t have the skills to communicate. He now wants to change and is making an effort to do so. It just been a very fast turn around in behavior, so I’m having trouble trusting that it will last. I also question if the abusiveness just reflects a core difference in what we expect from ourselves and each other in the marriage, and maybe different ideas of love and respect?
– my family are really important to me, but he doesn’t like my family, he judges them and forms opinions that I don’t agree with. He stores up things they say, misinterprets them and brings them up as ammunition. When I try to explain my perspective he feels alone and unsupported. He is not used to having any family other than his mother and mine haven’t lived up to his expectation of what a big family is like.
– we are currently living where my husband wants to live and have been here for 18 months, I’m feeling isolated and lonely. but my husband he has made it very clear that he will never move to the town where my family live, he is convinced that he doesn’t like it and would be miserable there. He would rather not be with me, then move there or even try living there short term. I have said to him that I at least need it to be an option in the future, but he says it’s unfair of me to ask him. If I decide I want to live close to my family, he will consider that the end of the relationship. It really upsets me that there’s a limit to his love for me. I just always thought, if you loved someone, you would make some compromises and at least try to put the other person first – or is this actually selfish of me?
– I have been doing the 80% of the work in our joint business. He hasn’t been working for the last 18months, I asked him to get a job and said it was really important to me, but he doesn’t seem to be taking me seriously.
– it is becoming apparent we have very different values and goals in life. for example, I love being around people, having friends and family around me, but he is happy being on his own. I really want children, but he would be just as happy without them. I value working hard and achieving, but his priority is to relax
– We have lost our spark and connection. I have no doubt we can resolve all the surface issues and regain the connection, but I’m worried all these fundamental differences will keep coming up, unless I keep compromising my happiness and values in life to keep him happy.
– I still love him, but I’m not so sure we are right for each other. I don’t want to stay together and keep brushing thing under the carpet only to break up in ten years time. I’m also scared to end the marriage and regret it later, but my concerns stop me from moving forward.

I would appreciate any advice or insight you can give me. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

[Ask April Masini]

Most couples have issues with their in laws, so if you can let go of the fantasy that this is going to be a Norman Rockwell painting and that visits from him to your family will be obligatory and that you may have to do some without him, you’ll be less disappointed. Why can’t you just visit your family rather than move to the same town where they live? It seems like that would be a good compromise. It’s not unreasonable for you to want to move near them, but it’s also not unreasonable for him to not want that. This is one of those problems you CAN make work.

It also sounds like his effort to change what you describe as verbally abusive and manipulative behavior is working. Instead of doubting his clear changes, embrace them. This is a positive sign on his part and a commitment to the relationship. I know you’re worried that the changes won’t “stick” but all change involves three steps forward two steps back. The important thing is the overall trend that you describe as a good one. 🙂

His not working is definitely a concern. Why do you think he stopped working 18 months ago? Men derive a lot of their value from their work, so if he’s not working, he’s not feeling good about himself — guaranteed. 🙁

As for your saying you don’t have the same values in terms of having children and being around people, this is something you should have figured out [i]before[/i] you got married. Surely you had some clue about this prior to marriage, and if so, what was your thinking at that time? Regardless, these are all arenas for compromise, which I think you can do.

Decide to be in the marriage — or not. And then stick to a positive energy towards that goal. The worst thing you can do is do one thing and complain about it incessantly.

I hope this helps — let me know how things go, and do join me on Facebook. I want to hear from you there! The link to get you to AskApril.com on Facebook is: [url][/url]. 🙂

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