[enero1876]

I have been dating a man for over year, most of it was long distance with the last 4 months of us both living in the same city (not together). Things seem great but we have never really had the talk about the status of our relationship. We spend most of our time together and I have met his friends and vice versa. We are going to his hometown soon and I am meeting his dad. Of course he told his dad I am his friend which is confusing as I feel meeting parents is serious? I guess I am wondering where we stand and if I should just ask him what he means by “friend”. I am just wondering if we are serious are not and how to best approach the subject…seems silly since we are both over 30 . I am also meeting his mom when she comes out this summer and going to a family wedding as well so it seems serious? A little background on him is that he is divorced and was with his ex since college and so essentially I am the second adult relationship he has had. He asked for the divorce and it did end amicably so that make me feel good that there is no bitterness there. I am trying to be patient as I know he is figuring the dating world out and he doesn’t want to hurt me in anyway. I am not in a rush to be married but more so just want to know how to bring this up without freaking him out. I really care about him and just want clarification so I know where I stand. We haven’t said we have loved each other and to be honest I do love him but a little afraid to say it. sorry this is so rambling and all over the place

Thank you in advance

[Ask April Masini]

You’re right to be concerned because while you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for over a year with this guy who, like you, and is in his 30s, he’s never mentioned the L word, and you’re wondering where this is all going. It sounds like you have some really strong indications that he is serious about you — he’s taking you to meet his parents and to a family wedding where he’ll introduce you to other family and friends.

However, I’m not sure how long after his divorce the two of you started dating, and if this is a rebound relationship or if he didn’t figure out what went wrong in his marriage that led to divorce and whether he wants to marry again. Usually, at some point in a year of dating, you’ll talk about your futures — whether or not you both want children, etc. (and if you haven’t, you should!). There are ways to talk about these things without pressuring him, but whatever you do, DON’T say the L word first and don’t have “the talk” where you ask where the relationship is heading or give him an ultimatum. 😳 Men don’t want to be pressured. Men want to take the lead. And if he’s uncertain because he’s gun shy after his divorce, he definitely won’t react well to [i]you [/i]pursuing him.

You may also be on different clocks since you’ve only been dating in the same city for four months — even though combined with the distance dating it’s been a year. After meeting his parents and attending the family wedding, I think he’s going to get a thumbs up or down from the family. He probably called you a friend to his father because he didn’t want to set off false alarm bells after his first marriage failed. Although the divorce was amicable, he may be very cautious and feeling responsible about the failure and doesn’t want his father to think he’s charging into a relationship with you too quickly (and foolishly).

Hang in there through the family visits and you’ll have a much better idea where things are heading at that time. 😉

I hope that helps — let me know how things go, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[enero1876]

Thank you April. This is really helpful in calming me down as I don’t want to jump the gun. I can add a little more, he has been separated from her for three years come this August but the divorce was only finalized last year as she was getting her citizenship finally and the lawyer said it would be less drama if it still showed them as married. She doesn’t live in the same area anymore as well. He did have a brief relationship prior to me which he does call a rebound and he told me early on that we are not the case. We have talked about our feelings in general and what we want in a mate and kids but again only in general terms to determine if we are on the same page with these things and so far we are. My only other fear is that he may get scared and pull away and I don’t know how to react to that or how you counteract that without being crazy or clingy. Again thank you I agree waiting till after the family visits is a good call and for now I will just relax and enjoy our time together

[Ask April Masini]

Thanks for the extra information. Since he’s only been divorced for one year, I’m pretty certain he’s trying to be careful, and he’s trying to look careful to his family. This relationship isn’t going to race along the way a first marriage might. Divorce, even if it’s amicable, is traumatic. He may be playing it cool to you, but I’m sure he doesn’t want another relationship to end that way, and he’s trying to be super careful this time. The best thing you can do to date smart is to be very aware of your goals, his, and the way things are going. If you feel at any tie that he’s not going to be ready to re-marry on your schedule, and you’re wasting time with him that you could be spending being available for someone more compatible, then it will be time to leave. But right now, that doesn’t appear to be the case.

[enero1876]

well the visit with his dad and step mom went well. We spent the entire day with them, mostly just listening to them catch up and reminisce. He did tell his dad things about me, more so things to make me look good which was really sweet. Of course he did introduce me as his friend which is really driving me crazy now but trying to stay patient and wait till after the wedding as it will be 6 months of us dating in the same city. His dad hugged me when I left and said it was nice meeting me and to make sure I keep his son in line which gave me a laugh. We had a great time in his hometown and he said it was great spending time with me and sharing all of his favorite things that he missed

One other thing I have noticed is that he refers to me as his date…his friends call me his girlfriend right in front of him and he doesn’t correct them so I just don’t get it. I recently remembered that I did once say that I hated titles and that it made me nervous…I told him a story early on about how I freaked when my ex called me his girlfriend even though I wanted to be his girlfriend. Of course not sure if he really retained all that and thats why he says that or if I am over thinking it now.

[Ask April Masini]

I always advise that women should check that a man’s language matches his behavior, and when it doesn’t, trust his behavior. Usually when I’m giving this advice it’s because a guy is saying he’s committed to someone, but acting like a single guy. In your case, it’s the opposite (and quite tempered!). He’s acting like he’s committed to you, but he’s calling you a friend rather than a girlfriend. The fact that he’s acting like a committed boyfriend and introducing you to his parents and friends, really indicates that this relationship is going well. Behavior trumps words. Don’t make a big deal of this, in fact, if you feel like it, you can tease him about his calling you his friend: After a passionate kiss (or more) you can jokingly and affectionately say something like, “Wow, is this how you make out with your other “friends”?” Just make sure it’s good natured, affectionate teasing and not aggressive. 😉

Hope that helps. If you’re liking my advice and this free service, I’d really appreciate a video referral to others who don’t know about my site,[i] from you[/i], that you can send to me at my e-mail address: [email protected].

Good luck!

[enero1876]

thank you April. I will try to go by his actions. It seems we have gotten so close and now sometimes it feels he is pulling away. he doesn’t call/text as much as he used to in the last few weeks and I know he’s busy with work and a new promotion I guess I just want him to be more open with his feelings. I mean I seem to contact him more than he does me lately, yet when we are together I feel no distance at all. He says he thinks I may just be the perfect woman which not sure what that really means. I am doing my best to be patient since I know he is nervous about being serious with someone but I guess I feel like I am not being true to myself as I want real confirmation that I am his girl friend…I want him to claim me in front of everyone. I guess it doesn’t help that I am so nonchalant about the whole thing. I hope I can make it till the wedding next month as I feel I am ready to burst, not angrily just I have so much emotion inside me. thank you again for all your insight as I really need the rational side of things.

[Ask April Masini]

Stay busy! 😀

[Ethan Morales]

It’s clear that you care deeply about this man and that your relationship has a solid foundation, especially given the mix of long-distance and local dating. Meeting his parents and being included in family events are strong indicators that he takes the relationship seriously. In long-term dating, actions speak louder than words, and he’s demonstrating commitment even if he isn’t using traditional labels yet.

his choice to introduce you as a “friend” or “date” rather than girlfriend likely stems from caution rather than a lack of affection. Given his recent divorce and limited experience with serious adult relationships, he may be deliberately pacing himself. He might also be influenced by your earlier comment about disliking labels, and it seems he’s trying to respect your comfort level while still showing commitment through actions.

it’s understandable to feel uncertain when his verbal affirmation doesn’t match his behavior. In this case, behavior trumps words: he spends significant time with you, introduces you to family and friends, and treats you as a serious partner. These are consistent, mature signs of investment. The discrepancy between what he says and what he does seems more about caution and past experiences than any lack of interest or love.

the recent pullback in communication fewer texts and calls can feel like distance, but it’s important to consider his workload and new responsibilities, such as a promotion. Emotional availability in person is a better measure at this stage than texting frequency. Your feeling of closeness when together suggests that, despite the lower volume of messages, the emotional connection remains intact.

your desire for verbal affirmation and public acknowledgment is natural and valid. Wanting him to “claim” you in front of others is not unreasonable, but pressuring him for labels could backfire if he’s already cautious. Gentle, playful reminders or light teasing like joking about how he calls you “friend” can communicate your desire for affirmation without making him feel pressured. This approach aligns with his personality and the gradual pace he seems comfortable with.

patience is key, but so is self-awareness. You clearly have strong feelings, and it’s healthy to monitor whether his pace aligns with your needs. Keep focusing on the consistency of his actions and your emotional experience when you’re together. When the wedding and family interactions happen, you’ll likely have more clarity about where you stand. Until then, balancing patience with honest self-reflection will protect your heart while giving the relationship room to grow naturally.

[Serena Vale]

You don’t sound rambling at all, you sound like someone who cares deeply and is trying to make sense of where her heart stands. And honestly, everything you’re feeling makes complete sense. You’ve built something meaningful with this man, shared time, met friends, and now you’re about to meet his parents. That’s not casual, even if the label hasn’t caught up yet.

That said, I can see why his calling you a “friend” stings. It’s confusing when someone’s actions feel serious, but their words lag behind. Sometimes people who’ve been through divorce tread carefully, not because they don’t care, but because the idea of defining something too soon feels loaded. Still, you deserve clarity. Patience doesn’t mean silence.

The key here is tone and timing. Don’t make it a confrontation; make it a conversation. Something like:
“I really value what we have, and I love spending time with you. I’m not trying to rush anything, but I’d like to understand what this relationship means to you, where you see us right now.”

That kind of honesty invites him to meet you where you are, without pressure. And if you’re meeting his family and being woven into his life, it’s fair, and healthy, to want to know how he views that.

As for saying “I love you”, don’t force it, but don’t bury it either. If it’s sitting quietly in your chest, you’ll know when the moment feels right. It doesn’t have to be a grand declaration; sometimes love is best shown through calm, honest words that come naturally.

You’re not asking for too much here. You’re just asking to understand the space you already share, and that’s a very grounded, grown-up kind of love.

[Tara]

You’re not “confused.” You’re avoiding the obvious because asking the real question scares you more than being kept in limbo. A man who has been dating you for a year, spends most of his time with you, brings you around his friends, and then turns around and calls you his friend to his father isn’t being shy he’s keeping his options open while enjoying every benefit of a relationship without committing to one. He gets the comfort, the closeness, the emotional security, the companionship, the sex, the routine and all he has to do is avoid a label. It’s convenient for him and miserable for you.

You’re bending over backwards to “understand” him because he’s divorced and “figuring out the dating world,” but that’s just a polite way of saying you’re letting him drag his feet because you’re afraid that pushing for clarity will make him bolt. You’re acting like commitment is a landmine you have to tiptoe around instead of a basic expectation after a year of consistent involvement. He’s not confused about you he’s avoiding defining you because it keeps the pressure off him and keeps you compliant.
If you want clarity, stop waiting for him to magically volunteer it. Ask him directly: “We’ve been together for over a year. I’m meeting your parents. What are we? Because I’m not being introduced as a ‘friend’ again.” If he panics at that level of basic accountability, he’s not someone you build a future with. And if he can’t say you’re his girlfriend at this point, you’re not in a relationship you’re in a situationship with travel plans.

[Sally]

You’re doing all the things couples do the time together, the friends, the families, the trips but the words just… aren’t there. And when the words don’t match the closeness, it makes you feel like you’re standing on a rug he could pull without warning.

Here’s the honest part, said gently: when a man calls you his “friend” while bringing you home, it usually means he’s scared to label something that already feels serious. Divorce does that to people. It makes them slow and weird about defining things, even when their actions are clear.

But you don’t have to sit in the dark about this. You can ask without making it heavy. Something simple like, “Hey, I just want to understand what we are to you. I care about you, and I want us to be on the same page.”

That’s not pressure. That’s clarity.
And you deserve clarity. You’re not asking for a ring you’re just asking not to feel unsure while doing all the girlfriend things.
If he’s all in, he’ll tell you. If he’s hesitant, at least you’ll know instead of trying to read between the lines.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re allowed to feel both hopeful and a little crazy with all this uncertainty. Meeting his parents and being woven into his weekends are huge signals; anyone would reasonably want the words to match the warmth in their chest. Wanting him to claim you isn’t petty, it’s human. You’ve invested time and emotion, and you deserve clarity without having to beg for it.

What’s actually comforting here is that his behavior looks very much like a committed man: bringing you home, introducing you to friends and family, making time for you. Men who are truly casual don’t usually do that long-term. The fact that he calls you “friend” (or “date”) is likely less about you and more about his caution a guardrail he learned after his marriage ended. He’s protecting himself from moving too fast, and that caution can come across as distance.

So the emotionally smart move is gentle directness. Don’t demand the L-word or an ultimatum; instead own your feeling and invite his. A short, calm script you can use after the wedding (when things are warm and relaxed): “I love being with you and I’m really happy. I’m wondering how you see us do you think of me as your girlfriend? I just want to know where we stand.” That puts the ball in his court without cornering him, and it gives you the honest answer you need.

Watch his answer and, more important, watch his actions afterward. Language will matter, but consistency will tell the truth: if he steps up more (calls first, plans things, introduces you as his partner), he’s stepping toward you. If he continues to drift, pulls away when life gets busy, or makes excuses about labels while keeping emotional distance, that’s a pattern you won’t want to backlog into months. Give him the chance to show up but give yourself permission to expect alignment between words and life.

Enjoy the wedding. Let the family time give you intel but not anxiety. After that weekend, use your little conversation as a clearing: get the clarity you deserve, and then choose forward from a calm, clear place. I’m proud of you for being patient and self-aware; you’re doing this beautifully.

[Author]

Posts