[Elizabethk]

Boyfriend (29) and I (23) have been dating for five months now. The relationship started off very intensely and we got serious from the start. He has been an amazing partner and until recently I could not wish for more.
He has a highly demanding job in a leading investment bank. I accepted it considering my own busy lifestyle and we went on with our lives. The last four weeks have been awfully strenuous for us as he’s been working 100+ hours with no weekends. Seeing each other has been impossible and trying to be understanding got harder.

I couldn’t handle the lack of usual amounts of communication any longer and upon having a very hard time with my family, I needed him and his support. He got back to me in the morning and wanted to know more, yet didnt seem too concerned for my feelings. I was emotional and an absolute wreck at that time, and texted later that I understand how demanding work is but that things are different, perhaps he’s not happy with me and maybe we are not right for each other. His response was dry, stating that “I am busy with work and don’t really have any spare time. So things aren’t the same. Maybe we’d be better off taking a break for a while.”
I decided to break the pattern of strongly demanding and emotionally charged conversations that I introduced. Therefore, I joked saying “Maybe. After the break do we go on a date or straight to bed?”, his response was obvious and I could see he was relieved. We sent a few more light-hearted messages.

What shall I do?

[greg93]

let the man do what he needs to do.

been in a similar situation with my exgf, she didn’t listen to me, she kept chasing and I wasn’t into it until I got done with whatever I needed to do. now I’m ready but she was impatient so she met a guy who makes her happy:(

[Elizabethk]

[quote=”greg93″]let the man do what he needs to do.

been in a similar situation with my exgf, she didn’t listen to me, she kept chasing and I wasn’t into it until I got done with whatever I needed to do. now I’m ready but she was impatient so she met a guy who makes her happy:([/quote]

Hopefully he doesn’t take as long as you did in your respective case then.
I will give him space but cannot promise of waiting indefinitely.

[greg93]

[quote=”Elizabethk”][quote=”greg93″]let the man do what he needs to do.

been in a similar situation with my exgf, she didn’t listen to me, she kept chasing and I wasn’t into it until I got done with whatever I needed to do. now I’m ready but she was impatient so she met a guy who makes her happy:([/quote]

Hopefully he doesn’t take as long as you did in your respective case then.
I will give him space but cannot promise of waiting indefinitely.[/quote]

make sure you don’t chase him, that’ll maybe repell him. you can text him once or twice time to time but don’t make him feel that you need him more than he needs you. I mean he really wants you but he’s so occupied with his life – the life that he has without you that impresses you in some ways I guess, what’s more attractive than a man who does everything it takes to go forward with his own business? – it’d just push him away from you at this point.

I needed a month and a half tbh but the back story is I was really hurt by the way she treated me, had to get over it all but I always loved her and I still do.

[Elizabethk]

Sorry to hear things ended up badly, Greg. Hopefully you find your way back together.
In my case, I never treated him badly and overall was understanding and very supportive of the amount of hours he was investing in his job. I will definitely leave him alone and wait to see when/if he would reach out to me. In all fairness, he could just be uninterested. Either way, it is a win/win situation for me as I would understand his true colours.

Not planning on dating anyone in the next month or so but if he doesn’t initiate contact, I would surely keep my options open.

[greg93]

don’t worry, he’ll come back for you 🙂 he’s just busy. and thanks for the wishes, I hope I didn’t mess up everything with her.

[Elizabethk]

Hi April, it would be useful to hear your thoughts on the situation. Thanks

[Ask April Masini]

This isn’t a break. It’s a break up. You’re dating an investment banker with long hours, and you’re someone who needs more attention from a partner. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but nobody is doing anything wrong here — except to expect an apple to turn into an orange. You both are who you are and there’s a major incompatibility here. I think you should start dating other people.

[Elizabethk]

[quote=”April Masini”]This isn’t a break. It’s a break up. You’re dating an investment banker with long hours, and you’re someone who needs more attention from a partner. I’m sorry to be so blunt, but nobody is doing anything wrong here — except to expect an apple to turn into an orange. You both are who you are and there’s a major incompatibility here. I think you should start dating other people.[/quote]

Fair enough. I wouldn’t necessarily call it incompatibility as prior to the shift in workload, we had an amazing relationship. That being said, I am unsure if he simply got bored/lost interest and as work got more intense, started simply burring his head in piles of it to avoid the unavoidable.
I can easily keep my options open but fully disregarding the relationship so promptly would be unlike me. Should I give it a months time before moving on?

[Ask April Masini]

I think you should move on now. Since he suggested a break, there’s no sense in wasting your time. 😉

[Elizabethk]

[quote=”April Masini”]I think you should move on now. Since he suggested a break, there’s no sense in wasting your time. 😉[/quote]

Funnily enough, after two weeks he contacted me today. He seemed genuinely interested to see what was going on in my life. I suppose I would wait and see where things go.

What are your thoughts?

[Lucy31617]

I wouldn’t wait more than 2 weeks to a month. My boyfriend once but i told him he had a couple weeks to figure things out cuz i wasn’t gonna wait around forever. After a weekend without me he said his weekends were boring without me and he missed me. And it helped us work out some issues in the relationship too. So breaks aren’t always bad. But idk about this situation though he work’s banking so his hours might still be crazy long hours a month from now.

[Ask April Masini]

I think my advice is pretty good. If you have any other questions, let me know. 🙂

[Sally]

What happened here isn’t that he suddenly stopped caring. It’s that he’s overwhelmed and doesn’t have emotional capacity right now. When you needed support, he couldn’t show up, and that hurt. When you questioned the relationship, he went straight to distance because that’s the only thing he can manage at the moment.
Your lighter response helped because it removed pressure. That doesn’t mean the issue is solved it just means you stepped out of panic mode.

Right now, the best move is to actually let the break be a break. Not a test. Not a strategy. Give him space and give yourself space too. Stop chasing clarity through texts.
When work eases and you reconnect, you’ll see whether he moves toward you or keeps you at arm’s length. That will tell you more than any conversation right now.

[Author]

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